Last night I was approached by a man in a bar
(I was there for a drag show)
about a clinical trial for an HIV negative healthy men 30-51 trail vaccination study. When I discovered the aim was to find HIV negative men for this study I told him to look for the U-Haul trucks for the kids who just moved here yesterday.
Of course I exaggerate on the amount of gay men who are living with HIV in New York City, but I do have personal experience to shed light on my thought process no matter how close or unclose it is to reality.
When I moved to New York City eleven years ago I was a kid with a goal! To find myself! and I tried to find myself in a different person each night (for the first year anyway)!
I don't ever remember asking any trick I brought home if he knew weather or not he was HIV positive or not. I would just go into a bar pick the Ten hottest guys in the room and work my way down the list until someone was drunk enough, picked me as one of their ten, and was willing to take/come home with me.
Once or twice in my first year of
"dating-emotion=sex-with a 10% chance of a friendship
or remembering the guys name",
A person would tell me that they were HIV positive. I would say ok lets where a condom or ok then I'll be the top/giver/"the male sexual role" and we wont have to worry about it
(NOTE:You can get HIV from being a Top!!!!)
After awhile I started to notice that;
A. I wasn't using condoms all of the time.
B. When ever HIV status was brought up it was by a guy who didn't want to use condoms but wanted to make sure that I was negative and usually the person would let me know that they get fucked on a regular basis,
C. People who have a high number of partners ejaculate inside of them have a higher chance of contracted HIV
D. I was meeting more and more HIV positive sexual partners from ages of 18 on up in New York City, to the point that they let me know that they assumed every one was HIV positive as did I eventually
E. It became apparent to me that after living in NYC for two years It was rare to meet some one that was HIV negative that has lived here for more than two years.
This just represents my experience.
My early years were very high risk and I must acknowledge people like my cousin who just moved here from The Down South! He and his group of friends live and support each other in using protection keeping themselves save free of disease and they discuss topics of relationships/sex passions and beliefs on a regular basis living a Healthier New York life than I knew how when I first got here.
(Having friends to talk openly with about sex risks and relationships is a very Healthy Choice)
In my sixth year here I became HIV positive, though I told the guy who was promoting the study that I was not eligible because I was 51 years old and the cut off point was 50. And I totally thought that this was inevitable! I thought to myself that there is so much risky behavior and I was the best example of that, that I didn't know what it meant to not live in the shame that I was brought up to feel around sex and my sexuality.
JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO BARE BACK
DOESNT MEAN YOU CANT PROTECT YOURSELF
WITH
QUESTIONS,
DISCUSSIONS WITH YOUR SEX PARTNER,
AND LEARNING HOW TO HAVE
FEEL GOOD SAFER SEX!
I like other young gays, even those who were brought up with accepting parents still grew up in a world where being gay was a shameful thing that was suppose to be hidden and exercised out of ones self and behavior and many of us acted out using sex as a way to be free.
Some of us had an early sexual education that made us confused or boundariless when it comes to sex on top of being gay and we learn to hid who we are and or go to the other extreme and in our pride/anger at the world we in every way we can figure out FUCK the world.
With all of the teen suicides and the cyber bullying I hope that there is a way for my generation to reach out to the kids who even after Tyler Climente and the, "IT GETS BETTER" campaign still have no concept of support or the idea that life can go on beyond the closed minded ness of your family or your town,
beyond the abuses your friends and worst of all family,
it truly does get better and in most cases family and friends will be exposed to more and will come around.
(we can hope)
Love & Peace
