The Gay Black NYC Writer

"Go The Fuck Back to The Middle East" Hate Crime?

2011-11-22T05:23:00.001-08:00

Last week I woke up early last week to take a nice long walk before heading to work. As soon as I stepped out on the street I hear this women yelling,

"Go The Fuck Back To The Middle East You Mutha Fucker!!",

over and over and over and over and over again.

It was almost like she had the hate speech form of Tourettes.

Every time she yelled I felt like I was being shot in the back. I was standing on the same block that I spent September 12th, 2001 through the 17th with friends. Some of them muslim, me including, consoling each other and lifting our spirits.

I couldn't see who she was screaming at till I turned the corner and saw a dog walker. walking about 10 dogs and he could have been Dominican, Indian, America, Canadian, I thing you get the point.

I know that as they say in "Avenue Q",

"We're all a little bit racist"!

But GD woman you are so in the wrong!

Part of me wanted to fight fire with fire and beat her down with my umbrella yelling,

"Bitch go back to the uneducated rock your crawlled out from under and stick a (*&$(*) in it!"

But as we New Yorkers tend to do in these situations I, Holding my composure trying not to whip her ass, I walked by and minded my own business.

It's becoming more and more difficult for me to walk by such hate with out getting involved. I mean if she were yelling Gay hate speech at a child I think I couldn't stop my self from getting involved but is this any different?

Looking back, maybe calling the police would have been the best thing. I don't know if yelling racist slurs is a crime, (freedom of speech) but, it seemed like she was disrespecting the person she was screaming at, me, the dogs, the human race and herself.

I feel ill just remembering this low point in my life experience.

What would you have done?

"Go The Fuck Back to The Middle East" Hate Crime?

2011-11-22T05:20:00.000-08:00

Rick Santorum Interviews With CaffeinatedThoughts.com

2011-11-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

Shoot em' Up Bang Bang

2011-11-01T01:50:00.000-07:00

It's becoming more and more clear to me that I live and always have lived in a dangerous world. People with in a block of where I lay my head down are being killed every night.

For the past month I've heard gunfights starting at 3am, going off and on till 4am, no cops, no news articles the next day, no break in this new alarming alarm system.

I've been staying in the Bronx, a place that seems to have a reputation of danger, gang violence, and over population. But I've lived in three separate parts of the Bronx, and two of these places I've never seen cops. It almost seems as if some one came into the Bronx with a boat load of guns and semi-automatics and said, "Here Have fun"!

Now if I just didn't experience a gun fight in Brooklyn near Prospect Park/Lefforts Garden, I'd think this was just a Bronx thing.

Crime is New York is up 17% from last year. Every weekend a "reported" 20 people have been shot and killed in the past month. "Reported" means they made the news, they were in neighborhoods, like the West Village, Chelsea, Harlem, Downtown Brooklyn, middle class Queens neighborhoods, or that they happen to an upper middle class family or were caused by a drunk or out of line policeman.

But what about the shootings we don't hear about. I mean as I sit here typing this article bullets are flying not two blocks away and this has been every night, but I have yet to hear it in the news. I have yet to hear Police Cars speeding in to save the day.

So how do we fix this?

Do we even care to?

If you think this doesn't effect you, think about this.....

As this country looses more jobs, and the poor get poorer, and the middle class become homeless

more women get rapped,

more stores get robbed,

more children have nothing to do,

more shootings at night,

and if you think its just going to stay in one neighborhood ....

Your in for a rude awakening!

Life or Death?

2011-10-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

All summer long I was fighting off an illness, that if left untreated would have drastically shortened my life. I was on a strick painfull, anemic causing treatment, that had me in a bed, in a room, alone, for three months straight. During this time besides watching ten seasons of Dallas and the whole series' of Stargate SG1, and Universe, I often spent the day staring at the wall and lots of vomiting.

I also came to the conclusion after the first 30 days that I couldn't take it any more and I knew I had to press on. My doctor warned me that the affects from this treatment have caused such depression in his patients that some have committed suicide or at least attempted too.

"I could never be one of those people", or so I thought.

After the first 30 days I understood exactly what he meant. Being alone in the same room for more than 7 days for me feels like a jail cell. So after 30 days in the same room and being to weak to go anywhere I was beyond cabin fever.

I started to believe that this weakness, that the pain I had to go through, that the poison I had to put in my body, would never end. Think about chemotherapy. If you ever had to watch some one fight for their life, their need to live, fight to come back from a place that is dark and lonely and close to the end, than you may have a glimpse of what I'm describing.

Hopelessness was setting in and I was holding on to one thought, "I know that I have felt that my best life is better than this, and even though I don't feel it now, I know it is possible"

It's fall now and the treatment is over.

I'm 100% cured even after stopping the treatment 3 months early because I just couldn't live a life where the only voice besides mine came from the flat screen.

I couldn't live a life of throwing up constantly even though I haven't eaten all day.

I couldn't live anymore with thoughts of hopelessness, with thoughts of suicide lingering about.

I'm cured, I'm alive and I do thank God and appreciate my life, but this appreciation didn't come so easily. Even though I've been off treatment for almost two months, there have been lingering side affects. The depression is not as bad as it was but I'm no where near as that zest for life for what the future holds as I use to be.

I must admit everyday I find that I'm more grateful than the last.

But it took an event to jolt me back into the realization that life is worth living.

I spent the night with my best friend and her son, whom I lived with for the first 5 years of his life, (hes now 10) and around 3am, Gunshots!

I woke up thinking it was a dream, but the loud POP and POWs were not stopping at all, in fact, the noise was getting louder and louder, closer and closer, we all huddled together on the floor incase any bullets came through the window and then the noise just stopped, but the silence was deafening.

I was in complete shock, I mean living in the bronx for years I've heard a gun go off once or twice, but it never sounded as if it was happening less than 100 feet from where I was sleeping, and this sounded even closer than that.

After about 10 minutes we were still on the floor and just as we were about to get up we heard about ten minutes of none stop shooting, bullets hitting brick, louder and louder as the the shooting went on.

Ten minutes is more than enough time in this situation to realize how valuable life is, even if its as "Dramatic" as my ex would say, as mine. (If I didn't live it, I wouldn't believe it lol)

It took seconds for me to know that even if I don't feel that drive for life, there could be no gift as precious as life.

I was with the closest people in my life in New York, and I prayed that we get through this, and that I want to live, and deal with the fact that it was a hard year, and deal with the feelings that may not be any where close to joy, but as Ms. Jackson if your nasty says,

"Sometimes, you have to experience the pain to get to the joy"

And so I sit here today, healthy, alive, and ready to keep on keepen on!,

Appreciating the gift of life, appreciating my friends and family who's support has help me feel beter and better day by day. I even appreciate lesson's learned from mistakes that I've made and the things I've lost from making them, because it's all brought me to this point here,

and that is the knowledge that life may not always be a pint of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Toffe Crunch (mmmmm my favorite) but there will be many pints in my future as long as I am here to enjoy them, and if you know me you know that I love love love Ben and Jerry (a little too much)

I think I feel a smile coming on! Yep there it is!

Starr Fucking

2011-10-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting on the D train heading up to the place where all the boys are hot but the place I'm staying is a shit hole and I notice this woman is staring at me in my denim jeans white v-neck and electric blue with lime green trim Jacket ( got at this AMAZINGLY LOW PRICED store in east Willy's burg!)

And she gets out of her seat and sits next to me, we smile at each other and I ask her if she has enough room and she says she's fine she's getting off in Harlem and I start to wonder where have I seen this Gay loving curly/somewhat dreaded haired black woman before, and I thought what Oprah, but what Gay loving black famous woman was on Oprah???

So I figured out who she was, and after pulling out my notebook and free writing session totally for her benefit, (and she was reading it out the corner of her eye too) She stood up at 125th street and said, keep it, honey if I can make it on my shitty writing you will go way farther she winked and swing her big ass round almos clocking me in my fore head and got off the train

The Wedding of a lifetime part II

2011-04-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

As the world gets ready to witness Princess Diana's Legacy become a Husband. I think about my current relationship and how committed I am to it.

Of course my relationship consist of me and myself, and the willingness to accept who I am.

As I listen to the chatter of Celebrity wedding advice, people on the street talking about the love of their partners or lack there of I must remind myself :

No Matter What!

For richer or for poorer

For better or worse

in sickness and in health

I am committed to living my best life,

I am committed to the principals of

honesty, humility, compassion, and the

willingness to arrest behaviors that contradict this value

system I aspire to.

Now, I grew up in a small town with a mother who treated Christianity how junkies treat crack (So I believed at the time), and a father who's lessons always invoked TheHoly Qu'ran.

As a gay kid the message of my parents beliefs got lost in their inability to deal with a gay child

(I dont blame them at all)

But what I didn't realized is through all the whining about church, and the praying five times a day a foundation was laid, and

it doesn't mean I have to adopt either of my parents religions

but after living a life without the chore principals that were bred in me as a child I realize that they living a life with

Honesty

Humility

Compassion

Willingness

Openness

Acceptance

gives my relation ship with my self a chance!

I've lived a life divorced from myself, hiding from my true feelings believing I wasn't worth it.

Today I know that I'm worth it, and I believe you are too and I hope that you can/do learn to actively love yourself too.

Life for the past month hasn't been easy for me, and the whole time I've been wallowing in self pity repeating words like

I can't

What's the point

And I got side tracked from My true self!

I was forgetting that no matter how I feel,

especially when I don't feel like it

I must remember to get up and go for it.

To remember how I want to live and do it.

That's the best way to love me for me.

I think that would be my advice to Will and Kate! any couple. like Ru says,

"If you can't love your self................"

Cold hearts Hot topics

2011-02-24T13:14:00.000-08:00

The funny thing is this is only the second assault on my senses of the day!

I woke up at three o'clock this morning and couldn't sleep. I forced myself not to get up and eat or start reading a book because I knew I needed more sleep to function in the morning!

I woke up two hours late! I took a breath and decided to let go of any discomfort that would manifest itself in me yelling at anyone who walks to slow or cuts me off or stands in front of the entrance to the subway on their Gosh Darn Cell phone.

I breathed got dressed and walked to the subway. Noticing my tension and low tolerance for the irritating I reminded myself that the "MORNING RUSH" is an explosive place and any sudden movements breezes or touches could set more than just me off!

So I went to switch trains accidentally stepping on the back of this man's shoe making it come off and I saw him clench his fist and scream "GOD DAMB!"

I was already past him racing to the A train on the other side of the platform about to say sorry (I did loud enough for anyone only a centimeter away to hear) and he looked back wondering who was the culprit! So now I'm on the packed A train Sardine's over stuffed in Tin and not 30 seconds after grabbing one of three seats eyed by those on the platform before the train doors even open, This women in dreads explodes on this (please dont fight back) tall scrawney man in a business suit.

"DONT TOUCH ME! DONT TOUCH MY PERSONAL THINGS! DONT TOUCH ME

"WELL MOVE LADY"

"DONT TALK TO ME DONT TOUCH ME! I WILL NOT MOVE, IF YOUR UNCOMFORTABLE THEN GET YOUR ASS UP"

"YOU MOVE'

his hand comes up up up

"Mr. If you touch me or my clothes or the air one foot in front of me I'm gonna SMACK YOU UPSIDE YOUR HEAD"

The air was sooooo think and people were soooo uncomfortable that no one knew what to do!

I thought this was the perfect time for those people who sing for money to just break out in song to cut the tension but instead we were all stuck together.

The Her still next to him, hoping that that was the end of it. hoping that he would just let her get out her yell and not respond and help with the escalation.

Hoping that the ignorant people who keep talking about the situation like the two people can't here them would shut up.

I was behind the women taking a stand only after hearing the man comment on how much space she was taking.

Its Rush hour dude get over it!

And after that thought shoot she should get over it too!

But mostly I was reflecting.

In her

" loud assaulting, confrontational,

"Don't fuck with me today cause I am not the one" attitude"

I felt assaulted, I felt her irritability on top of my own and it completely diffused mine and brought me to a place that made me feel helpless and fear wondering if we would all make it off the train with out the cops or a beat down or a race riot.

And that was only the first hour of being awake this morning!

I get the paper when I get off the train and the photo of a SoHo Billboard

"The Most Dangerous Place for and African American is in the womb"

Is the womb the number one killer of African Americans?

Do they have a horrible education system in the womb?

Is SoHo the most African American fluent neighborhood in New york?

Is there an Abortion clinic in SoHo that only aborts African Americans from all over America every time one gets pregnant so that we finally kill those runaway slaves once and for all heheheh!

Am I going insane!!!!!!!!

if you have a chance to click here

The PATH to Friendship!

2011-02-23T04:51:00.000-08:00

My good friend Frank has introduced me to a Secret Society!

PATH (application on my IPhone)

Path is somewhat like twitter, the difference is its pictures!

first you take a picture, you say what it is (THing), then where you are (Place) and it shows your pic time place and thing on a grid with your friends shared pics, thing and place. So through out the day where ever are in the world you can share a joke, or a drink or a

"Did you see Miss thing with the Silver Red and Shit green Hair holding 300 barbie dolls on the train?"

The thing is I only have ten to fifteen friends. So you may ask what's the point?

Well, I think it's nice to be on a social network where I'm not overwhelmed by so much chatter, or friends who aren't really friends, which I don't mind, but with in one day in New York one can accrue ten new facebook friends and there is sooooo much info on a facebook page that going to see what my friends are doing on PATH

My ten friends is so much more fun and relaxing and I feel like its a twitcation!

And so now I love it so much I'm ready to share my Path'ology with the rest of my friends!

It's FUN! so if you have or dont have an IPhone, cause you can join Path online at Path.com

join put my name in and join the party!

Do You have Lumbar Support?

2011-02-14T04:26:00.000-08:00

My friends Vicki and Frank owned a VW Bug once and they use to always comment on how it had Lower back support Aka "Lumbar" Support!

Ever Since then Lumbar has been the code word for I got your back among my friends.

Today marks a very important day in Lumbar Support! I say to the idiots, and yes I judge you as idiots who don't realize that just like Valentines Day is a made up holiday so is your every holiday that exist, so is your religion so is the word "Monday"!

Instead of saying "Fuck Valentine's day" just because your alone, or fighting with your partner or don't want to admit your feelings to yourself.....

How about give yourself some Lumbar Support!

If you haven't figured it out by now, YOU are the Best Valentine your ever gonna get!

And If you aint lovin you No one else will!

Love & Peace

HIV Trials-and tribulation vaccinations

2011-01-21T03:35:00.000-08:00

Last night I was approached by a man in a bar

(I was there for a drag show)

about a clinical trial for an HIV negative healthy men 30-51 trail vaccination study. When I discovered the aim was to find HIV negative men for this study I told him to look for the U-Haul trucks for the kids who just moved here yesterday.

Of course I exaggerate on the amount of gay men who are living with HIV in New York City, but I do have personal experience to shed light on my thought process no matter how close or unclose it is to reality.

When I moved to New York City eleven years ago I was a kid with a goal! To find myself! and I tried to find myself in a different person each night (for the first year anyway)!

I don't ever remember asking any trick I brought home if he knew weather or not he was HIV positive or not. I would just go into a bar pick the Ten hottest guys in the room and work my way down the list until someone was drunk enough, picked me as one of their ten, and was willing to take/come home with me.

Once or twice in my first year of

"dating-emotion=sex-with a 10% chance of a friendship

or remembering the guys name",

A person would tell me that they were HIV positive. I would say ok lets where a condom or ok then I'll be the top/giver/"the male sexual role" and we wont have to worry about it

(NOTE:You can get HIV from being a Top!!!!)

After awhile I started to notice that;

A. I wasn't using condoms all of the time.

B. When ever HIV status was brought up it was by a guy who didn't want to use condoms but wanted to make sure that I was negative and usually the person would let me know that they get fucked on a regular basis,

C. People who have a high number of partners ejaculate inside of them have a higher chance of contracted HIV

D. I was meeting more and more HIV positive sexual partners from ages of 18 on up in New York City, to the point that they let me know that they assumed every one was HIV positive as did I eventually

E. It became apparent to me that after living in NYC for two years It was rare to meet some one that was HIV negative that has lived here for more than two years.

This just represents my experience.

My early years were very high risk and I must acknowledge people like my cousin who just moved here from The Down South! He and his group of friends live and support each other in using protection keeping themselves save free of disease and they discuss topics of relationships/sex passions and beliefs on a regular basis living a Healthier New York life than I knew how when I first got here.

(Having friends to talk openly with about sex risks and relationships is a very Healthy Choice)

In my sixth year here I became HIV positive, though I told the guy who was promoting the study that I was not eligible because I was 51 years old and the cut off point was 50. And I totally thought that this was inevitable! I thought to myself that there is so much risky behavior and I was the best example of that, that I didn't know what it meant to not live in the shame that I was brought up to feel around sex and my sexuality.

JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO BARE BACK

DOESNT MEAN YOU CANT PROTECT YOURSELF

WITH

QUESTIONS,

DISCUSSIONS WITH YOUR SEX PARTNER,

AND LEARNING HOW TO HAVE

FEEL GOOD SAFER SEX!

I like other young gays, even those who were brought up with accepting parents still grew up in a world where being gay was a shameful thing that was suppose to be hidden and exercised out of ones self and behavior and many of us acted out using sex as a way to be free.

Some of us had an early sexual education that made us confused or boundariless when it comes to sex on top of being gay and we learn to hid who we are and or go to the other extreme and in our pride/anger at the world we in every way we can figure out FUCK the world.

With all of the teen suicides and the cyber bullying I hope that there is a way for my generation to reach out to the kids who even after Tyler Climente and the, "IT GETS BETTER" campaign still have no concept of support or the idea that life can go on beyond the closed minded ness of your family or your town,

beyond the abuses your friends and worst of all family,

it truly does get better and in most cases family and friends will be exposed to more and will come around.

(we can hope)

Love & Peace

What Are You Thankfull for????

2010-11-25T14:23:00.000-08:00

As i sit on the computer of my Thanksgiving Day Dinner Host (without having asked I might add) I'm thankful that

a. I haven't been caught and yelled at (though as long as I stay off Facebook I think all should be fine.)

b. that now that I have been caught I haven't been kicked off

c. That gays still can make laugh more than cry

d. That a really great friend was able to join me for this "Family" event

Moving on...

I'm Thankful and Grateful for my Life, and my families, both families of choice and families of origin.

I'm Thankful that for the gift of love and passion and the desire to share these things with the world.

But most of all I'm thank full for my higher power, the energy that flows through me to you, that guides me to a net when I fall that has given me the will to live and survive all that life brings.

I wish you love peace and pore cloggless hair grease!

Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!

2010-11-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

Daniel Juva, Jeremy Wynn, Scott Rowan, Tyler Clemente!

Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!

My first breath of the day was light and the air flowing through my lungs had smooth travel and I felt happy to be alive.

My second breath of the day after opening my eyes from a nights sleep I felt my heart sink and my lungs contract as memory of the life I've chosen to live came flooding back like a tsunami surging through my mind and flooding my heart with sadness.

Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be alive but as in every natural disaster there are those of us who don't make it.

Their are those of us who look next to ourselves and the people that were beside us before the storm have vanished with out warning or so we tell ourselves.

You called me from 34th St Penn Station to ask me if it was ok to come to my house

to love me and show me how you loved me.
And it was that love that you turned for that your life churned for.

It was this love that was void from your life left solid ice hearted wholes while whole hearted you said to me I want a boy

Friend is what I needed especially when confronted by the youth and brains the beauty only God could bestow and gift me with the presence

Brought you from your mothers whom to me through New Brunswick New Jersey

through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station.

Not only on the phone did you beg and plead that I be there be the one you need

To hold you console you, to help take the pain of life away if only for those ten minutes

instigated by naked thrust and fearful pounding hate with the hammer between my legs

nailing the pain of self hate and the ounce of love we had from our worlds deeper and deeper inside you as if love feeling love could only happen when we reach the bottom of our pit in life.

Our pit in life is bottomless!
Bottomless pit

Yet still we throw ourselves at each other at any brother willing to fill that void that the trillions before never seemed to

though not for lack of trying life denying that we were worth trying to figure out for ourselves our personal wealth that till your dying breath seemed non existent.

"Shareef I hope you don't think I'm stalking you I just really had a great time with you

and I don't want to be Alone and I don't want to keep

shoot fuck stabbing numbing smoking chucking Toilet life worthless living in the gutter that I was bullied thrust ed disgusted with self leads me to use and abuse and never learned self love just to shove it inside in every home hole and creves to be born yet never live I need you or the thought of the you to save me from myself please Shareef take the subway to Penn Station meet me at the train cause if I try to cone to you I may not make it, for I was born with an empty tank no love felt filled

No love felt
filled

But I'll take what I can get what I can disguise as love masqueraded as self worth paraded as pride what I only know

will hide me from the natural disaster that has brought me from my mothers whom to you through New Brunswick New Jersey through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station
Taken me through the tunnels of
My mind to the rats who's life was never enough for themselves yet I throw myself freely at every rat that comes along for that one second that I feel.

"he loves me, I'm worth it"

For just one second that rat who defiled me treats me like a broken Rolex tossed in the gutter abandoned by it's owner who once thought it to be the most precious thing to poses.

Brought me to you and Shareef you are not here though to me it was never clear that you to were drowning in life in search of the love at the bottom of your pit Bottomless

You to would love yourself with any rat in the sewer that would feed on you and they would feed on you until you were unrecognizable skinny un-pretty cracked chained and broken unable to give me or them the love you gave up on giving yourself

Shareef you gave up.

Gave up!

So I sit here now with the love In a syringe and a bottle of morphine taking a clue from you but mostly from myself that if I want to get to the bottom there's only one way to get there

My second to last breath of the day I felt pain I felt worthless I felt insane I felt love. Love you all those I leave behind who will forever keep trying to let me know that I had the love I could never feel myself

My last breath I feel calm at peace as I for the first time know that the love In the syringe could never be enough and I swallow myself into the pit to be with love forever and ever

When your child doesn't want to (BLANK) Anymore! AGAIN! or Discipline

2010-11-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

I was recently having a conversation with a mother about her son's seventh or eighth activity that he is getting tired of doing because it's become less fun and more work. Her son is no interested in something new that he hasn't tried yet.

This reminded me of an episode of the Cosby Show where Vanessa wanted to play an instrument after Clair and Heathcliff spent time and money on

Dance lessons and she quit

Guitar lessons and she quit

clarinet lessons and she quit

in the end they told her this was the last time she would have to practice and be disciplined

During this conversation we both agreed that it is good to foster a kids curiosities while they try and learn and decide what best fits them, but after our conversation I wondered:

Isn't discipline trying something and seeing it through?

Should discipline be taught and where do we learn it from?

The willingness for parents to foster a child's flakiness speaks to the way the parents were raised.

But rarely do I perceive Parents asking themselves:

Do I want a child to learn how to have a goal and do what it takes to make that Goal come true?

Or

Do I want a child that grows up like me and dares to dream at a young age yet is never taught or shown or given the skills to make that dream come true?

I here the parents around me wanting to have birthed the next Micheal Jordan, or Mos Def, or Muckuly Culkan, or Serena Williams, or Bill Gates even but with out realizing that they had parents who held them up when they felt like quitting and reminded them of their strengths in their fields when they wanted to give up.

Are you willing to settle for a child who grows up and lives the "Coulda Woulda Shoulda life" or that learns early in life:

Strong work ethic

Punctuality

Thank you letters

Discipline?

just something to think about when your throwing out the soccer ball that hasn't been kicked in two years, or the Karate outfit that cant be passed down or the trombone that has become a coat hanger.

Love ya much

"Forever" is just a Fantasy ?

2010-11-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

I still hold on the the fantasy of "Forever" when my perception of reality is that life is a Day at a time process of commitments.

How does this affect society's "IDEAL" of marriage?
When entering into a relationship do we live in the fantasy or pledge to try?

Sunday Night October 31st episode of Brothers and Sisters was profound!

If you haven't seen it you should (nbc.com, ch131.com)!

It shows a couple who are married and are gay going through the trials of life that affect every human being regardless of what civil/religious liberties this country offers them.

Brilliant!

It also shows a women who when telling her child she was going to Marry her boyfriend was asked how long they were going to be married, and she was alarmed at this.

My personal opinion is that when your mind enters into the place where your heart takes you, It is best to ask yourself,

ESPECIALLY BEFORE YOU SAY I DO

:
1.Do I love this person whole heatedly with out fear or judgment?

2. What are my deal breakers in this relationship and do I love this person enough to work through them before we get married?

3. Have I sat down with this person and made a verbal contract/interview of what you think you want and actively listened to what they want and are you willing to give it to them even at times where you don't feel like it?

At this moment I am doing extensive work on myself so I am abstaining from active pursuit of those who give me

Butterflies Inside (M.J., RIP)

In my last two experiments (relationships) my intent was to be open and honest and to learn about my partner with out judging or putting stipulations or expectations.

In one relationship I coupled a person who never heard of anyone being open and honest and not

creating DRAMA

when something goes wrong.

In the other I had a willing participant to try and see what happens.

What I learned:
Every one comes with their own baggage and when entering into a relationship you have to check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure that your not overwhelmed with

1. Your own

2. Your Partners

3. The baggage you create together

Forever to me is until you both loose the strength to carry on.

From my last experience I gave up and I was in denial about it. I was holding on to something and working so hard to keep it that I neglected to work on my self at all.

And working on one self is the

Reality of Forever!

No for the marriage part. This concept of entering into a contract is romantic and beautiful but ask yourself Have I been here before?

And what happen and what was my part in it?

My Perception of others relationships (Including my own) is that it is hard for us to look past the pain of the end of the affair to the healing and moving forward. We are so use to cutting off the thought and memory of what did work for fear of the feelings that came from what didn't work

and we rarely acknowledge our roles in the good and bad nor are we willing to listen to exes about their perception of our part in the good or the bad

and if we did

if we were able to hear and actively listen to how our partner perceives our actions to be

would have an idea of who we are

In a relationship and compare it to who we want to be

and figure out how to get there.

Then we can commit to today

Love Ya much

Relapse!!!!!!?

2010-11-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

This morning I answered the door and My overly attractive Ecuadorian/American Ex roommate was standing in front of me looking as hot as ever. He walked in and took off his coat and his body drew saliva from my mouth. There was something about him that heightened my senses each and every one, like a double fudge brownie just out of the oven.

To Good To Be True?

He sat down in front me and pulled out...

DRUGS!

My heart raced my head sinned my mouth shouted

NOOOOOOO!

My body ached and Shaked and went out of control

I was fighting and I was loosing I was tempted with things that looked good on the outside,

but I know where the movie ends

and I usually get to that horrible place in less than 20 minutes

When every thing I have gets destroyed

But I was compelled to slam my self into the depths of hell

and then I started jumping quaking trying to make my body stop reaching for what it was use to

to try to make my body forget this feeling

I jumped soooooooo High that I crashed into my mattress

I woke up in a dark room only to realize it was

just a dream but I didn't know for sure. I was crying and scared and I got dressed and went straight to a 745am meeting.

This was my first using dream in a year. It was totally unexpected totally to real and totally telling of how cunning and crazy addiction can be.

In other news somewhat simular

We Get to Decide Our Future Tomorrow!

It is of the most importance that we vote to not

Relapse

DO NOT RELAPSE TO THE BUSH REPUBLICANS

But more importantly VOTE !

for some reason This country is easily persuaded by lies and money and we are on this wave of electing people that have

No experience,

No Education

No Sense

and No Answers to their complaints of whats wrong with (Obama) as appose to(the Country)

We seem poised for a relapse to put in congress the ideas that have made the richer more rich and the poor very poor.

I live in a state where to leave the house everday cost over $11.

I live in a country that is in dept to a country who hasn't deployed it's army since WWII and yet they are on the road to becoming the richest most powerful country in the world (China)

If we spent as much money on education that we do on Fighting ghost .........

Share the wealth!

Here is the point:

You dont have to vote for the asses of the long nosed nut eaters

their are other candidates

Its time we google, facebook, bing every candidate go to their head quarters check out things like

what legislation have they proposed since being in office?

What is their voting record?

and vote responsibly

you might like some one you never even thought about

This way if you are one who decides to send our country to relapse to the policies that brought us to this depression you would have made an educated vote that I can believe in.

Love ya much!

SCARY!!!!!

2010-10-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

As this long Halloween weekend approaches I sit hear thinking of things that I'm scared of like stepping in

poop

when it is raining outside and not noticing until I"m with a large group of people.

But other things came to mind.

It scares me to live in a world that is so sick with greed and selfishness and hate that we are lied to as young kids as if it were to protect us.

It scares me to know that there is some kid out their being bullied by a future self identifying homosexual because of both were taught to hate themselves

It scares me to know that China owns most of the world including the country we live in.

(Where do you thing we get the money from to have a Trillion Dollar Debt)

It scares me when I hear people complain about paying taxes and at the same time complain about roads, and services, and unemployment checks running out and the lack of funding for education yet they want the money to come from thin air.

Who Pays For IT?

Obama is starting to scare me a little but The Power hungry wanna be Kandidate Kings Krapublicans

and the Tea party is NOT THE WAY to go!!

It scares me that I may never find a woman who is willing to go through life with me fathering her child.

It scares me that I forget that I'm HIV positive and there are young kids as young as 13 year old and younger who right at this moment are having unprotected sex with some one who is positive.

But all this is what drives me to live and do everything I can to make my world and the world of those I love (especially those who read this blog).

In other news, I have yet to be invited to a Halloween party???????

Election Selection & The KKKrazy's

2010-10-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to news of the KKKrazy's (Tea Party Supporters) were caught on tape at a rally beating up a girl who was an Obama Supporter.

AND
Nevada Republi(K)an (K)andidate Sharon Angle's new add. showing how we we have to protect our white kids against the big bad scary Spanish speaking Mexicans. (with pictures not with words)

You might say,

"What's this world coming to?"

Well, honey if you think this is a new thing you must be living in a bubble.

First. The Fighting, CNN articles on the even call it "Voter Passion",

I call it UN-educated Insanity!

I believe when we let states set education standards and the states in the middle move more and more away from science and math and art and language and geography and ....

And move towards Christian Sunday School classes and moral based lessons we are breading the Tea Party future members who are afraid to live with darker collections and aren't educated to know that the land they live on was taken at gunpoint from the Fore-Fathers of the Spanish speaking mostly American Citizens they fight so hard to devalue, discriminate and disenfranchise.

It is our fault that we believe that just because we don't hear about cross burnings and hatred that it ended with the death of Dr. Martin Luther King.

It is our fault for letting our Gov't be run by Haliburton Executives, and then complain that we have no jobs, (if you worked for those rapist you'd be in the money(wikipedia KBR))

It is our fault for letting our Gov't spend Billions on wars that keep us poor and Dick Cheney rich,

Instead of putting billions of dollars into educations so that we have soldiers who know not just how to shoot a gun but who develop the skills and knowledge to know when to shoot and how much restraint to use when the do, and are educated enough to know how to negotiate and compromise before getting in to the

"Who's Dick is bigger contest"
or WAR,

I haven't even decided if I'm voting yet, though I tell my self it is my duty to practice what I preach.

I think we must ask ourselves what kind of future do we want for our selves and our children and how can we best effect change?

The system may be decades from change, but Hey their is a black First lady any thing can happen.

Purple Against Homophobia WED OCT.20

2010-10-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

"October 20th, 2010, people across the world will wear purple in honorof the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks due to homophobic abuse. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase,Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. "

(Daniel Juva, Scott Rowan)

"The event is now extending to 4 other lesbian/gay teenagers, Zach Harrington, Eric Mohat, Meredith Rezak, and Jennifer Eyring."

Gather anything purple on October 20th and wear it for the day. It doesn't matter where you live. Any walk of life is welcome to join in this movement. It doesn't matter what faith, homeland, ethnicity you are from. It is a day to unite.

(the words are from Nolen Ramirez)

invite people to the event, spread the word.

"DADT" If you ASK me I'ma Tell you

2010-10-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling with this a little

I think we should stop women from serving in the army it happen way to fast! And this whole thing with whites serving with blacks, I mean come on we need to think about this.

What would happen if two humans work side by side fighting for the same cause?

well if one has a tan and one doesn't well they might Com bust!

My LGBT sisters and brothers are up in arms over the decision of the Obama administration to appeal Judge Phillips ruling to essentially "kill" "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" because of its violation of our first amendment rights.

And in this case the President is not legally obligated to appeal but is given 60 days to make a decision, and in fact Mr. Obama has decided to appeal saying, it was his duty as President to challenge any rulling that goes against congress.

Most of my thinking sides with this:

REALLY????!!!!

Hey Barack!

WHAT THE FUCK

You say you want something then you get it now you don't "really" want it anymore

DADT is a bullshit policy that promotes hate, bullying and HELLO Suicide ect..

Come one will the world explode if people find out that the person they've become friends with and trust with their life has a life out side of their job to defend the country that happens to include same sex love?

(STAY WITH ME)

IF you want to do it slowly why don't we just segregate the races and the sexes and take a year of survey to find out how to desegregate and integrate them together in the safest way to bring them together

WOULD THIS BE THE EXACT SAME THING!

As I think more an more about the administrations reason for wanting the congress to repeal DADT, I tell myself that they are coming from a place of

HARM REDUCTION.

Think about how hard it was to come out of the closet or for your friends to tell you about the secret (for those who had one) they've been carrying around for years.

Think about Milk, a movie where some one who couldn't accept his sexuality shot and killed some one who lived their life openly.

would it not make sense to enforce harm reduction policy and tutorials to the Armed Forces so the persons who are carrying guns and have issues with finding out that their fellow soldier is gay don't go on a shooting spree.

I mean they are fighting for a country that actively facilitates Hate.

My personal opinion has changed back and forth through out typing this article, but I think when it come right down to it (This Article)

Squash DADT and teach Harm reduction! Policy is just words on paper but Change comes from Action !

I leave you with this. Tolerance

In general usage, tolerance is a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose beliefs or personal characteristics (race, religion, nationality, etc.), differ from one's own.

In social, cultural and religious contexts, tolerance and toleration are terms used to describe attitudes which are "tolerant" (or moderately respectful) of practices or group memberships that may be disapproved of by those in the majority.

I don't need your permissive attitude I need you to love.

Alleviate Hate!

Nigger/Faggot

2010-10-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!

Here is one of the first lies we are taught as children to shield us from "Inevitable" pains of life.

The Truth will set you free.

A family member of mine was in disbelief that she was called the "N" word and then asked what era do we live in.

My Aunt Betty taught me that just because it's not said to your face, that doesn't mean it's not being said.

This Fall seems to be the season where hate is coming to another head in our country, with the highly everyday occurrences that

I as a "gay" "black"

man see every day. with the highly publicity of gay bashing and bullying and the

KKKandidates

of the tea party and the disrespect that is well apparent to me towards our President towards our countries foundation of freedom of religion, I would hope that those who want change will actively pursue it, as did the Generations before us!

Freedom till death do we two part!

But what of these words, Nigga, Fagot?

I grew up hearing the pain of the life in the 60's from my 90 year old Great Grand Mother and my Grandmother and her siblings who Marched on Washington for Jobs and Equality.

I see how the Generations after me took ownership of the word Nigga and use it in their culture (many "race"'s I've heard use it as a term of endearment).

But tell this to my Nana and she'd turn in her grave if she hasn't already one hundred times over. To her it was like being whipped with chains all over again! I am sensitive to this.

At the age of 15 I was exposed to ACT UP, (dot org) and I heard our "LGBT" family own and use the word faggot in the same way! Most members of the group, my roomate included went even had the word tatood on thier body's.

As a strong believer that

Secrets=Death,

I feel that trying to put a word in the closet is just

living in the lies,

and secrets that drive our world into

underage prostitution,

child molestation,

and denial.

All of these things are diseases that the world refuses to talk about.

Oprah talked about molestatin and other taboo's in the 80's but how much did that week change how we live life today. Mothers continue to let boyfriends they've known for less than a year watch their children with complete trust (yes not every ones a child predator but how do you think child predators get child access moms? Boyfriends are not Babysitter!!!) I digress?

The Point? Taboo subjects live and grow cancerous especially when we keep them in the dark.

I believe as long as we continue to not scold every one who uses any form of the "N" word, (Negro is it's root word) The blacks, the whites the reds and the browns, and are highly ignored yellows (mmhhmm) people for using the word when they are with in hearing distance we have no right to scold anyone for using it, especially if we have used it ourselves jokingly (in the private of our own home/friends). (or in our blogs to get a point accross that migh be missed)

Bottom line is we have no control how these words have grown and will evolve in our society, and honestly

it's not the words that hurt us

it is the unwillingness to DO(an ACTIVE word) something to change the intent behind these words!

this Nigga/faggot is out!

GAY BASHING!!!! It happens every day!

2010-10-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

This seems to be the year of the Gay Bashing Revolt. From the government's Don't Ask Don't Tell, to Gay Teen Bullies pushing our young ones to end their lives.

This week in NYC, we've been waking up everyday to news stories of severe Gay Bashing. Cowardly acts committed most likely by closeted (practicing) homosexuals.

I do think it is a good thing that the spotlight is lit on the struggles of the Gay community and I hope that we can emphasize,

Pushing for Equality for All human beings!

Not limited Period!

That means the Mexican immigrants who were here before we robbed Mexico of their land to form the western states who are persecuted and looked down on by a government of a whole state deserve all the rights as the unwilling uneducated racist people who created discriminatory laws.

That means Transgendered and persons struggling with gender Identity are people/human born with the same rights and liberties as all female and males on this earth

(most stronger and more deserving than most of us could ever be)

That means that black men Are GAY

Church Ladies: Lord Have Mercy

(BLACK CHURCH)
but that's another blog entery.

Black Men Are Gay , not all of them but ALL OF THEM deserve to be shown (Employers, Arizona and all you white men who say, "Shareef our company could use a guy like you" and then never call back when you get my resume) the same rights and liberties as every one else.

Fighting for Civil Rights did not die with MLK people!

THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION!

We MUST put our money where are mouth is!
walk the walk!

I suggest donating to a gay youth group in the name of a family member or a friend as a Holiday Gift this year, sending $100 or more the struggling organizations who tackles these issues everyday when the news is focused on something else and we are battling our own struggles in life so that they can continue to fight for our right to be able to live our lives.

Some off the top of my head

The Attic Youth Center in Philadelphia Atticyouthcenter.org

The LGBT Community Center in New York City (Lesbian,Gay,Bi-sexual,Transgendered) Gaycenter.org

Gladys Production the theater company I work for who's goal is to promote equality for all through its productions about Gay teen Suicide, and loving ones self. Gladysproduction.webs.com

Glsen- Gay,Lesbian and Straigh Education Network Glsen.org

Any amount of money from one dollar or more would help these organizations, educated those that were raised to hate, and those that are just ill informed.

If you can volunteer that's great too, talk about at your next dinner party or family function the issues that have affected every family in NYC, let your gay nephew, niece, ect. know how much they are loved because they are loved for the indevidual that thay are.

This year a $100 donation to your local Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender youth organization will go do more good than spending one day a year on a holiday at the over staffed soup kitchen. (But Id suggest doing both and doing both often like commiting to $10 a month for a year.)

THE WORLD CANT CHANGE UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT

This week would be an awsome time for all of us to show our support for

"All persons are created equal"

by wearing a pin for Comming OUT Day, Sunday October 10th
That Says

I"M GAY

(al la I'm Micheal Jordan 2005)

Your love can make it better

2010-10-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a hard week!
Yes it has, from flashbacks of feeling worthless and alone, to friends of mine who took their own life.

I'm listening to Pandora and as I typed the last sentence and a tear is rolling down my face and Erika Badu is saying "Your love can make it better" over and over, and I hear my Nana in my head saying "God works in mysterious ways" and I smile cause I know that those people that we have lost in our lives, did not die in vain. They live in our fight for change!

The live in the hearts of every one.

Your love can make it better!
Wow, my love for myself, your love for yourself, your love for others.

Tonight I'll be heading down to Washington Square park 9pm NYC for a "Glow light Vigil" ( no candle burning aloud) Hosted by the NYU LGBT group.

I ask you two things:
1. Love

2. At 9pm, if you are not capable to donate

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=1062&participantID=118600

or come to the park tonight, then at 9pm light a candle, say a prayer, have a moment of silence for those who have moved on and those who we have yet to reach out too.

The Social Network

2010-10-03T11:34:00.001-07:00

As a writer, I was cumming in my pants. Go see it.

the end!~

It's time for a Revolution "homosexuals are People too!"

2010-09-29T20:53:00.001-07:00

I am mad and I'm not going to take it anymore! I from this moment forward, though I might have been doing this already, devote my life to promoting Life to Gay kids and adults everywhere!

Yes Dan Savage is right "It does get better!" It will get better. For those who have yet to discover how to reach out. I'd like to do what ever I can with the help of every one who is committed to the cause to reach out.

Two kids (that we know of thanks to facebook,) killed themselves were pushed beyond shame to the point of no return two more needless deaths in a society that openly and passionately condemns homosexuality.

This is so beyond The fuck ups in Washington and the election year manipulation of DADT, or the other unconstitutional anti civil, anti freedom, anti every man laws on the books in all fifty states.

Honestly, the next kid I here call some one a faggot on the street will get a lesson, I don't care if he's 40 and coming out of the New York Sports Club as big as Mike Tyson.

It's time to educate not just to tolerate but to alleviate hate!

Who is with me?

At thirteen years old. I struggled with knowing I was different, I was called a sissy, by adults, a faggot by school mates, mostly behind my back and I had a family that like most families thought that this was my one way ticket to hell and I was worth less because of being gay.

I took pills one morning and tried to end my life. I was committed to it being over. By the grace of Allah (yes Allah you idiot uneducated tea party kkk, racists) (alot is going on in this country) I lived through it. I didn't want to at the time but the God (of my understanding) had a plan for me and here I am today fired up and not just angry but in pain.

It hurts to here about the thirteen year old boy who shot himself in Houston TX. this morning. It hurts to here about a young gay man jumping off of Manhattans highest bridge because of his Homophobic roomate who broadcasted his sexual exploration to the world.

We must be reasponsible for the un educated around us. We must fight for the the freedoms and rights of every man woman and child and not let insensitive uneducated comments or actions take place infront of us around us, ect.

can you really take another senseless death

(in loving memory of Daniel Juva)

Breast!!!! They've Gone to far!!!!

2010-09-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

I began the week laughing while watching a re-run of SNL, I was told about Sesame Streets obsession with Katty Perry's Breasts (esess) and I Thought,

"What four year old is going to lunge at Katty Perry's Breast???"

I was reminded of the my "Opinion" that as we grow older we as adults become very narrow minded. We as adults teach our children to make "BIG DEALS" out of what would be as noticeable as the color or the wall behind Elmo.

Hey Sesame St. Why are you so Breast focused shouldn't you be more in the mindset of the children you entertain? How many kids just had them in there mouth, How many kids have mothers with "Big Ones"? We don't care and those of you who do need to start dealing with your issues

Now if you live in New York City or have a million magazine subscriptions you might have had a glimpse at the new ABSOLUTE VODKA campaign and the 20 breast that are suppose to represent your thirst.(86st 4/5/6 train station)

Now my first thought is wow that's a lot of cleavage, then, where are the pecs, and after that, what are they doing? I mean billboard after billboard looked like the cover of Hustler Magazine,

Why aren't Parents up and arms about this!?

Political Activism

2010-09-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

This week i found myself particularly angry at how politicians were calculating moves and votes and what to do next, not because it would be better for the country but because it would be better for their re-election campaigns.

This calculating and manipulating is nothing new from are supposed leaders, but when as it usually does, attributes to nothing getting done, new laws that amount to minimal changes to old ones, and stalemate.

So what do we do? Do we get all KKKrazy and march with the tea party putting new calculating manipulating people in office?

Well, unfortunately yes!

We fight to put 2008 Obama like people in office that have a fire for change. But we must learn that getting fired up over a politician and putting our full support behind them isn't just a one time thing. We must hold our leaders ACCOUNTABLE!

We must make ask ourselves first, "Even if it hurts is it the best thing for the country?" (Letting the tax cuts expire)

and let our elected officials know how we feel because i we don't we then forfeit our chance to effect the change that we want.

Think about that!

2010-07-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Ever since the time I went from a drug experimenter, to a drug addict, the only thing I could trust myself to do was anything that would bring me more drugs.

I purposely cut off every one who I loved and cared for me for fear my addiction would break our relationship. I have put a strain on, been cut off from, and banished even from friends who have never experienced my addiction side effects.

My last stint off the wagon was was pretty hardcore. I probably only used less than ten times (crystal- meth) since last October but the amount was way way over board. And I would wish I was sober ten minutes after each "flight" and leAve and or kick hook ups out no more than twenty minutes after they had arrived. I would then get In Bed for two Weeks or more only leaving to go to the bathroom and then when I slept.

I'd have nightmares and flashbacks of childhood trauma. My bed was the only place I could trust myself not to have addict behavior. But the come down dreams brought up in vivid detail every thing I was running away from.

As I lay there for weeks on end I wouldn't have to block out my inner voice telling me the right next thing to do. I knew and have lived in this moment many times before and it wasn't time for listening to lectures from myself to myself it was time to plan and take action. The only thing my inner voice would say is

"Your still wallowing In self pity while there are people dying everyday who don't have right now to do the next right thing."

They lost their battle against addiction and never got the chance to learn how to live in recovery and deal with the crazy sober people who might have helped drive them to use In The first place ( I.E. Un-accepting parents, family secrets, ect. Ect.) I ask my self,

"is it the disease of addiction that's untrustworthy or is it me? And are my relapses helped by my lack of trust in myself?"

Not trusting myself is another way of expecting myself to fail.

And failing is not an option!

This morning I found out that a young gay man that I mentored for over two years killed himself. The last time I spoke to him he was crying on the phone and he believed that there was no other option than to die or use , and he knew that they both were the same thing.

I live today,

sober

as much for him as I do for myself! I've been where he was a couple of times in my life. And only by the grace of that multiple named high power that some call GOD others Allah ect

. I am here today and I know who am and the direction I must take to do the next right thing just for today!

I trust me to work it cause it only works when I do!

Brothers and Sisters

2010-07-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

For some reason I decided to watch the finale of "Brothers and Sisters" I knew how it was going to end but up until this night I had yet to go through the journey of how theses characters got to that ending.

Sooooooo much was packed into this episode from a former addict learning to love and trust his partner to a man finding out he is HIV positive to a grown child dealing with the a mother who spends more time telling others how to live that she hardly spends time on her own. (To the death of Rob Lowes career)(I mean did he not learn anything from leaving West Wing and headlined his own drama that lasted three episodes)

Uhg, needless to say I was crying in the end, this family drama resonated for me because I'm spending quality time with my family. I've been here for two weeks. That's about the amount of time, if you put my one day visits together from the past 20 years that I've spent here over all.

I realized that I've always felt alone in life even surrounded by family and friends. Very rarely did I ever feel understood or genuinely cared for, but I know for certain that I am loved and cared for and an apple right next to the family tree! Now the way in which this love is displayed I can see now reflex how my family was taught to show love and growing up in the mid 1900's for a black family on the North/South border I dont think that learning how to show some one love was a high priority when you got to fight to get what you can get and bite your tongue so you don't end up in jail and do your chores so you don't have to go out back to find a switch on the tree.

Finding a switch on the tree out back> This was love> God said don't spare the rod!

Having parents who teach you the right way to live by always letting you know when your doing the wrong thing.

But we knew and my elders knew that our family would be there to fight who ever messed with us, to stick up for us, and pick us up when we were down. But they would let us know we got learn to stick up for ourselves and take care of ourselves.

Tough Love.

I get it, but sometimes, I need a love that isn't so tough, sometimes I need sensitivity and understanding, sometimes I need support for the things I've done right instead of constantly being reminded of what's wrong in my life. '

I must admit I've shut my family out most of my life. And though I still believe it was the only way for me to not have killed myself as a child (not for lack of trying) With out my family I would be lost, I couldn't possible understand who I am, and how to get to the positive side of my journey.
Their door is always open!

And though that tree in the back is gone, no one in this family is too old to be put across a knee.

I can see where I get most of my traits, and I understand a bit better who I am from where I come from.

The First Punch

2010-07-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

I dont have Tv at home so in Lancaster Ive been re-introduced to LOGOTV by my Aunt Carla. A women who's love of men is almost as potent as mine. (or use to be LOL). I'm watching a story about a boy in the UK living in a small town (like Lancaster PA) and is teased for his feminine ways. His peers thought it would be funny to vote him queen of the town fair and he won and they teased and teased but with the love of his mother and with strength with in his self he road in the parade and the teasing stopped for five minutes.

Growing up in a small town I remember being teased in the third grade for what some of my mothers 'Man friends' use to call sissyfied (usually when she left the room). The class was on a trip to the Charles Chips Factory and three boys who tried to make my life hell by teasing me (I dont remember it affecting me till this field trip.

"Your a Girl" they screamed across the yellow bus seats.

This was an hour bus ride of hearing how much of a girl and how "gay", (A word a did not understand till the ninth grade).

As soon as the bus stopped in the Charles Chips Factory

something swelled up inside of me

and I looked at those three boys

watched their mouths move to the tune of what a girl I was

and My fist started to swell

Little Third Grader Shareef threw one punch at the fist boy who ducked and my fist landed on the the boy with the braces on his legs (Like Forrest Gump).

Mrs. Manners (our third grade teacher) came to the middle of the bus where we were sitting
grabbed my ear pulled me to the back of the bus and said,

"You Hit the crippled boy! Shareef Jenkins your going to sit here for the whole entire trip, and I'm calling your mother!"

Shareef strikes back! what I thought I did. I remember just reacting and throwing a punch. But I wasn't reacting to what was being said I was reacting to the fact that I was being taunted and by three boys who were making me very aware that I was in some way different than them.

At that point I didn't know how I was different, I don't think I even believed that I was different. I don't think I even had a concept of the difference in Skin color. But I knew that I was being disrespected in some way and

I WAS a MAD third grader AND I JUST WOULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

and I exploded with rage.

Just telling the story I can still feel the passion that I had that day.

When we got back I was to be suspended from school for three days, But having a black mother who sticks up for her "sissified" chile (mostly by denying his sissyfiedness)

She marched in the principles office and demanded to know how if it takes two to tango why would you only reprimand one?

"Discrimination!" and "My lawyer.."

words that a black parent in a white school should have readily at there disposal especially in a circumstance that it is actual and factually the situation.

I learned a couple of things about myself that day in the third grade. I looked at myself in the mirror for the fist time and started to look at the boys around me for the first time and asked myself how am I different and why, and I never thought twice about defending myself when I "FELT" not petty teasing but when I felt that I was being violated by some one from that moment on I retaliated and I couldn't control it.

But what fascinates me about the kid on Logo and the battles in my child hood was violence was never the first or fifth choice in my retaliation especially after I was less ignorant about who I was and what the word "Gay" meant.

Thats another story!

Back to work

2010-07-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

With the biggest learned life lesson being, "The place your most afraid of going, usually is the one and only place that can heal yourself" I decided to go to Lancaster Pa., the place I was born staying with the family that answers the the question, "Who am I and Where do I come from".

What a sentence that was!

Today is day 11. I do not recomend sobering up with family I think its forced me to face some things head on and really ask myself how far am I willing to go this time. My sponsor would say "One day at a time Shareef" and I get it it makes sense, but part of my healing is bringing myself physically to the place where the root of my pain began. And not only the root but the history and domino effect passed down from generation to generation so I can learn, "What ab out my negative living was learned at home and what part did I get from the world?" And then I'll have a better idea of how to deal with living with my self as myself.

I'm contemplating no sex for a year, "One Day at a time"! may just 90's.

My last attempt at being completely sober lasted for 9 months and I did a multi-prong system, therapy, Na, and CMA meetings, and service, and regular outings with my sober friends.

There is a power greater than me that has let me know over this last binge that I am worth it, I'm hear for a reason and I have yet to complete my destiny.

So ya better watch out cause I'm going back to work (on myself)

Regan's Vegitable

2010-03-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

Ketchup! Ketchup!

Ever since I was a little boy I have loved ketchup. My mother used to always say, "Would you like some fries with your ketchup?" When ever I'd visit my Aunt Judy & uncle John I would learn to bring my own catch up and before that go crazy wondering how any house hold could not have this essential ingredient in their Frigidaire.

I just bought a bottle yesterday and as I chomp down on my Cookies and Cream breakfast I look at the bottle on the table and its about empty! How could I have devoured a whole bottle in less than 48 hours. I can't be the only one who thinks ketchup is a must on burgers, dogs, fries, eggs, poor peoples spaghetti, poor peoples cheesy grits, and baked potatoes.

Is this a man thing?

Is this cultural?

Is this Ronald Regan's fault for making ketchup a vegetable and a necessity for school lunches in the 80's?

2010-03-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

my heart is damaged, but don't blame the one before

this is the way it was raised to feel most comfort

but every time my heart gets to comfortably damaged

God sends a message!

Do you know what she says?

" I don't know why those girls from Danity Kane didn't just tell Puffy to fuck off and went to Jay-Z got a new name and kept on keepin on!"

and then she would say

"Ms, Shareef, it aint over till I say it's over Ms. Thang! I got plans for you

I GOT YOU BABE

Now dont cry Ms Shareef a change is comming and out of all this crazy unhealthy dead man walking in gay man self hatred non coping cause your out of stength and love for yourself and nobody else is telling you that they love you so if you haven't told yourself in months Ms. Thang than you dont need to wonder how you end up in these cycles of self lovelessness."

Yes I thought God was a bit more butch but her lipgloss was classic.

and just like that the computer just started playing music it just out of the blue played a gospel song with a House drum and base beat saying

"Lift your hands in Praise, your life is in my hands, a change is a comin"

a tear

lots of tears

next song

"He ate my heart, He ate my heart, He ate my heart, Madge 2.0?

Yes the new Madge Ga Ga

and my heart began to fill with streangth

and I turned to the mirror

"That boy is a monster..."

I thought thought that maybe I would blog/journal the truth about my daily life, the depression, the drugs, the sex, the high risk life where my thoughts are constantly thinking of my family my "wife" n "Kid" and if I dont medicate scold myself for not picking up the phone.

I thought that if I could be completely honest about my life to the world that I could start being honest with myself, but I think about the people "in" my life that would be affected by the way I live my life being published for their friends to see, and so I've been blocked.

But
A CHANGE IS A COMMIN!

There's a She Wolf in the closet
I'm letting her out so she can breath!

The Most Important Meal

2010-02-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

My first memories of "family"all revolve around breakfast time, Holiday brunches at Aunt Betty's or Fish and omelets at my Dads, it was the most important time of the day because it was the beginning and set the tone for what type of day it would be.

Unfortunetly when I go shopping I find that i spend alot of time getting breakfast food and only come home with two meals worth of dinner food, and thanks to going to dinners after after parties in the 00's and 90's I've found that Breakast makes a great dinner too.

The point is, It taste good, blue berry pancakes with peanut butter, butter and syrup, maybe even a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And if that makes you smile and a smile starts off your day then on days where you miss it have breakfast for lunch and restart your day!

I'm eating pancakes right now!

todays rant

2010-02-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

We live in a world where women or slaves,

Children are used for sex

and Men Rule the Caves

Homos are shot dead or hung by thier own hand

little girls are made pretty and thrown at old men

Where a President can have color and still nothing gets done

Where plastic rules the ocean, forrest burned by the sun

Little black boys are told how smart they are as they clean your bathrooms

and little black girls dont give a fuck as they love push and groom

and where do we all end up in a world with such doom

I try to look on the bright side though get trapped in this gloom

If its love that makes this world go round then why can't I feel it

I see it, I hear it, but never feel its spirit.

I give and I gave when I had nothing left to give

and still I'll keep giving till in the ground I live

till my world can evolve beyond the hatred of myself but to the love

that we all deserve that fills life with such wealth.

For another day God willing we will have to "Do it Now" with speed
to give our selves what the Beatles sing "Love is all you need"

Disappearing Acts

2010-01-20T19:54:00.000-08:00

Disappearing Acts, I love the tittle, best describes me in relationship to any one I care about. A six year old boy who's life i once was apart of every day for over four and a half years asked me after not seeing me for seven months, "Where were you all that time?".
The answer? Getting high and feeling like shit, well that's 40% of the time, the other 60% is sitting in my room, giving up on trying to live but listening to the voice in side (Cause I can't shut it up) tell me that I'd be an idiot to believe that happiness is out of my grasp and you know exactly what you need to do to have the life that you want.

It sucks to live in a place that sucks for so long that you get use to it and feel uncomfortable when anything about what sucks changes.

It sucks to live in a place that sucks and the only thing that keeps you there is you not getting up.

I hate living in a box cutting myself off from the world leaving my apartment once a week to get food, talking to another human being only through texting, getting high one weekend a month doing laundry every other month, waking up past out on the floor that I've mopped ten times in two days, shivering cause I wont put on dirty clothes but I have no clean ones, on the floor surrounded by pictures of the life I forget I once had getting wet from the over use of dish liquid on the floor, freezing cause even though it's 40 degrees outside some crack head left the windows open and passed out in the middle of my floor naked

Now naked open honest and truthful until i pass out and wake up again two days later wishing i wasn't so mean to some 23 year old white boy with an amazing ass, mean to some trick i picked up at some tricks house who managed to get me out of the house with the offer of cabfare and crystal meth and needles and blood and the desire to not care if death wants to pay a visit cause you already dead living dead living

and I wake up in the middle of the floor cold shivering goose bumps, bumps from chemicals pumped into my viens, bumps from my head making a violent plunge to the floor,

The floor is so wet and cold and the mouse is in the trash and I'm breathing and Ahh, I am alive, thank God,

And the voice says, "Then why the fuck do you keep on killing yourself?"

I don't want to be alone but I keep abandoning myself, cause I don't know how to feel comfortable loving myself with out some one else to actively reminding me that I'm worth loving, so I get sober for ten months every other year and I get in a relationship and once I can't keep lying to myself about how I don't need him even though I'm with him I realize I need him like a hit, or i'm naked freezing in the middle of my floor after two days of crazy multiple partnered unsafe unloving self hating disease spreading soul killing sex

Deeper.

My earliest child hood memory, three guys shoving there dick in my mouth at the age of two.

Live in father figure like to to pretend I was a gulf ball on a regular basis with his club

I don't really have accessible feelings about those things, but I'm sure they have something to do with the way I live my life.

Ah, being the oldest of 4/2 (mom/pop) brothers and sisters and not knowing anything about thier lives for the past 20 years. And every time i see them I come home and relapse And I never see it coming...

I've dissapeared I'm not high today, but I'm in my box not taking calls not going out wishing I was cuddling, with Hunter, hish it was 1999. That's where I'll be when I clothes my eyes, untill I reappear

Life is what you make it!

2010-01-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

That is what they say. And I believe it. I tested the theory last year by giving up partying every night to become a "Broadway Produced" playwright with in a year. But right now is all that matters, and right now I'm in my self imposed prison getting up to eat and shit and occasionally watch tv on my "how do I still have the internet with out the bill being paid" computer. "They" call it depression, I call it self reflection and it happens at least twice a year.

A time where I look a round my room and realize my life is as clean as my apartment and I dont let myself leave until every inch is sparkling. I must learn to balance relationships and how to not loose touch with the world when in this process. This is not easy when part of the process is cutting myself off from the rest of the world. Especially knowing in most studies of animals the loner animal dies the soonest. But still here I am alone taking my good old time cleaning my life and why not. I don't want to miss anything, its my life after all

The last day of the year

2009-12-31T10:02:00.000-08:00

Alll night I'd hear cars and cars beeping and honking and it seemed like it was new years eve. I figure people were trying to travel before the snow hit the streets, getting ready for the time to celebrate a year the lived through. This year was full of "Life" for me. I've felt every emotion possible I believe. Now the goal of next year is to learn how to "sustain" positive emotion, lifestyles, interactions, and relationships.

Productive or so it seemed

2009-11-11T21:51:00.000-08:00

First thing I did when I opened my eyes at 8:30 am this morning is tell myself that I have to move on regardless of what this flu is making me feel like. I can't live like a heterosexual young bachelor who puts dirty dishes in the refrigerator instead of washing them and to keep away the roaches, who takes a pile of clothes to be washed and brings home ten pillow cases no underwear three t-shirts and lots of no matching socks, who sees a mess on the floor and treats it like furniture that was strategically placed on the day he moved in and must not be moved. No, I had to wake up ignore the fever ignore the nausea I had to take care of what needed to be done!

Laundry it's been three weeks, and my current sick-bed sheets were so sweaty that they refused to get dry. My prescription was three blocks away and the laundry-mat in between here and there. And yet here I was in bed, fever down to 100, staring at a pile of clothes and a piece of paper that might make this flu die quicker and bring me back to my life of choosing to make myself sick on purpose or not, not this getting sick on a whim just because nature is taking it's course.

I open my eyes and i said, "Self don't disappoint me today, before you eat drink or piss, get dressed put the clothes at the door, get that Rx and grab your quarters. You may feel like shit but spending the rest of your flu recovery in clean sheets and knowing that you have clean clothes to put on when this is all over will make up for the pain I'm about to make you go through!"

And out the door I was drowsy, dizzy, and I did it, I did it. and crashed as soon as I got the clothes upstairs popped my Tamiflu and put on new sheets.

The mind used the strength of my body that was always there. In Bikram Yoga some instructors talk about how we tell ourselves what we can't do more than letting ourselves do what we have yet to discover we can. I know I can do anything I put my mind to and so much more that I have yet to discover if I am willing. Today I was willing to go through what ever discomfort lay ahead of me.

Today is how I must live the next chapter of my life. Get up and do what needs to be done. Every time I use to come home from a binge when I was using a year ago, I would come home to the radio on and the same song would be playing each time I'd walk through the door, it was this Gospel tune on a Dance radio channel and It would say it's not to late, it's never to late, you are more than you allow yourself to be, better it's never to late to come home. And each time I would here this song it would scare the living daylights out of me but I knew it was a sign telling me it was time to break free to open my eyes and tell myself we're going to do what needs to be done. Today when i turn on the radio I'm haunted by this song that I first heard during my first year of my addiction, a song mixed by Danny Tenaglia called "Do it Now!"
Can't be more direct than that.

cold, fever 102, at home with the flu

2009-11-10T22:31:00.001-08:00

My new york experience has been dwindled down to my sweaty bed sheets and a bucket for puke. I haven't had the flu in years but some one inside my head kept forgetting to ask my doctor for the shot. Falling sick brings out the poetic side in me say my friends that keep texting to see how I'm doing, texting because the energy it takes to talk makes my fever rise.

So what does one do confined to a bed for two weeks, half wishing they would expire and the other half in a dazed dream with flying daisy petals and memories of good times with the last guy who had me at hello.?

I'm drinking liquids. lots of liquids. and listening to the cars go by on the Bruckner expressway imagining that I'm listening to the waves of the Atlantic ocean washing away this years pains and mistakes and waving in strength and hope for a better life to come once I can stand up with out having the world spin in a thousand different directions.

The Flu couldn't have picked a worse time. I was suppose to move this week, I was suppose to run away from my life here in New York and begin a whole new mess of problems and happiness in Philadelphia. But it looks like I may loose that opportunity. And that's ok. (throwing up) cause this feeling I get from the flu is not pleasant it's not fun. Sitting idle in one place for more than a day brings up every possible thought that I would rather block out, have electrocuted out, or even erased from memory. But I have to learn to live with it.

I have to learn to live with me and all that is my life the good the bad the painful and the happy trips to IKEA. So, There is one good aspect of this freakin flu. I'm forced to be with me all day every day and to deal.

Now the couple arguing outside is a different story some man is about to have his head busted in by a broken beer bottle.

Winter

2009-11-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

I woke up today freezing in my sheets wondering where did that man go that was suppose to keep me warm at night. I mean I'm paying him enough the least he could do is turn the heat on before he leaves. (kidding.)

In my life growing up gay and living through November through January was and still proves to be the toughest time of the year to go through. It's a time that is all about togetherness and family. A time when love is spread through out the world. But when you grow up being shunned for what you are and going through fights with lovers because they too are not use to being cared for at this time of the year, it can make it hard to know what to do with yourself other than random sex and drug use or escaping through television.

This year I challenge you to call your family, every family member you ever cared about and say hi, I miss you, I love you, and happy holidays. I plan to do this to create new memories and new emotions to go with this holiday season and the ones to come.

That man that's suppose to keep me warm has never existed for for me unless I count myself. And really that 's all I have to count on. So turn on the heat and the love and have a warm happy holiday season.
I gotta make some calls!

Two men of Verrona

2009-11-03T05:42:00.000-08:00

I spent the entire weekend at home only setting foot outside to greet guest at the door. It feels like I've traveled all over the city because of the lives and experiences my guest have enlightened me with. I met a Dominican American man who's intelligence and wisdom is more captivating than his beauty, and an Italian American man who with his mother owns a struggling cleaning business in the Bronx. We all seem to have one thing in common we are preyed upon by rich white men. We all have high standards for ourselves and live by a code of personal values. We all are judged based on what we appear to be rather than who we really are.

Carlos, grew up in New York city in the time where police targeted gays and transgendered citizens on the regular. He learned at a young age that many his looks could pay a mortgage, for an education, and even a trip around the world, but his brain could take him even farther.

When Carlos walked in the door I could instantly tell that he had the smarts to get what ever he wanted. I understood that like me walking beside a car on the upper east side that people would bolt the locks on anything they deemed valuable. He was an older man who looked 19 clear clean skin, 6'2" who's smile makes you say yes to everything. Carlos opened his mouth and the stereo types just fell by the waist side. He's lived on his own since he was 13, which is part of my story as well. He also had plenty of transsexual mother figures as did I. He was all about being real and being himself and being so over what people wanted him to be. His realness stopped me in my "hiding from the world" tracks, and made me want to go on with the struggle of the human condition, listening to his story made me want to face the pain of and joys of life head on. But then he left and there I was alone left with a powerful gift his wisdom and story of hope and strength.

Giovanni lives in the house he grew up in in the Bronx. His mother sold the house to him to keep it in the family. Together with his mother they live the "American Dream" owning a cleaning business that pays for the house and other living expenses but since the recession started business has been diving down fast. Just like Carlos, Giovonni who has a dark completion smooth tattooed skin boyish features and a supper toned body, has been approached by older rich white men since the age of thirteen while strolling down New York streets. He's learned how to use what he's got to get what he wants. I'm talking about his brain.

These men have been harassed many times been in interview situations, and even been sexually harassed by police officers who would threaten arrest unless they gave them a blow job among other things. And in living a life where they were constantly harassed because of their looks they learned to adapt and use what people labeled them to be from their looks to their advantage. They realized that most of these people didn't think that they had a brain to use so they showed them just how business minded they were by knowing the law and how much time an officer receives from harassment. By making friends with these men and educating them on the fact that they were real people and if you think you can buy real people you gotta have a lot of money!

I can't elaborate on the specifics of Giovanni and Carlos's stories in order to keep thier anonymity, but I can tell you that they have the smarts to live in a dog eat dog world and come out on top. That being human they too feel pain and have been stuck on the never ending drug to numb pain rollercoasting merrry-go-round. But they also have come out on the other side of things and are over putting on airs for people or getting paid to be something they aren't.

Meeting these two has inspired me to keep pushing on.
Love&Peace

Rebirth

2009-11-02T21:04:00.000-08:00

I've just awakened from a day of sleeping in. Midnight on the hour. I look beside me on the floor there is a melted pint of Haggen Daz strawberry ice cream oozing out of the lid. Donut holes surround my head and a spoon of peanut butter lay on my chest.

I remember having a craving but not actually satisfying that craving. Kind of like my craving to live a normal healthy life. A life where I can be myself and do and say as I feel with as much truth and courage given to my by my higher power.

I picked up the Ice cream now shake, put the donuts in, and grab the peanut butter spoon, and all is gone in 60 seconds.

So now what?

Today is the day that I am calling Day 1. The day where I choose to face life head on. A day where I except the consequences of my actions. The day where I let the sun shine through and fell it's burn and light.

I've lost a person very special in my life, myself and I'm not giving up on him!

Relapse is part of my story

2009-10-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

I discovered that my fear of being alone and unwanted was stronger than my desire to stay clean. But more importantly I stopped lying to myself about the fact that I had been living alone all along. I would grasp at the idea that some one being close to me, could make me feel good about myself. But we have to feel good about ourselves before any one else can. and I didn't.

Last week I had a drug relapse, long before that i had multiple occasions of acting out through sex I felt myself slipping further and further into my addiction. I noticed that I was doing things I didn't want to do, with people I didn't want to be with. I was loosing control.

In my personal life i was holding on to something that was never there to begin with. I was relying on the hope that happiness would come, but I didn't believe it really would, that love would come though sometimes looking back I wouldn't call it love at all.

I am 32 years old. I am and, I will learn again how to be enough for myself. I will forgive, understand and let go of my mistakes. I will tread lightly in matters of the heart. And I will do the work and try every suggestion to stay healthy clean and loving myself.

It hurts to be where I am today. But i except it. I learn from it and I move on. this is my process. One Day at a Time!

Take my problems to the Dance floor

2009-09-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

Fun for me use to be going dancing at least once a week.

"I take my problems to the dance floor"!

I'd go on stay-cations with friends to towns close by with ice cream factories, watering holes, beaches and Historic castles. Now, my fun consists of walking across central park or finding my favorite tv show online for free.

There is little excitement in crossing the park every week no matter how stress releasing it is. I am on the hunt to re-discover what I enjoy. I am making a list of activities (healthy) that are free around the tri-state area and those that may cost a paycheck or two. The purpose is to balance my life and my thoughts with happy, joy, fun, smile educing activities that will create positive memories and experiences.

To much of my life has been spent thinking and , dwelling on the negative. I've spent days obsessing on what's wrong and how I was ill effected by it. I've gotten so use to living this way that when something like a play of mine wins a contest my happiness last for about five minutes then I'm back to thoughts what is wrong with my life.

Now that I'm aware of this, I choose now to actively do things everyday, and every week that focus on the good. I am setting aside one to two hours a day to celebrate life, re-training myself to live in the joy and experience that so eventually that is the place I can go to when my mind falls into the negative abyss.
Now I'm off to Therapy with friends visiting from Switzerland!!!!
Love&Peace!!

8 months of Sober Sex

2009-09-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

It's kind of fucked up that this season, Fall, is a trigger in its self. The cool temperature, the clean cold smell in the air, the number of boys roaming the city streets rising because college is in session. My mind wants me to go out and hunt and devour each one of them if not five partners in one day.

Today that part of me is not in control, but the thoughts seem to be getting stronger, now that I've typed that they seem to have died. One second after, I realize that I'm not that guy any more. I just thought of the endless searching for a moment and a feeling of validation that never can happen when it's searched for especially when looking outside ones self.

What an unsatisfying way to live, what a human way to live. I've said yes to everything that has given me opportunity to, and the things that sabotaged the life I "wanted" to live I've said yes to more, a thousand times more. I have no need for those things, I believe the purpose of needing someone else or something else to make you feel whole, was to show me over and over that it doesn't work but also to remind me what happens when I'm not willing to look at myself. I am by no means over it. Life is work and everyday I have to remind myself of that.

I am an addict. I daydream almost everyday about using and going on a sexcapade. Fortunately the flashbacks that I have remind me of the things that go wrong when getting high: like being to fucked up to realize you just spent your rent money to get your guest high and your cleaning your bathroom when you thought the point was to get high and fuck but you can't seem to do either so you start beating yourself up and become evil towards anyone in a ten mile radius.

My issue is being human, and feelings of loneliness, and temptations of drugs when confronted with hot boys. My fear of going home with a guy I meet that I'm attracted to having drugs has kept me from having sex, and from having enjoyable sex the few times I let myself. I'm finding that in my 8 months of sober sex, my body is going biserk not knowing what to do when in a sexual situation. It's the first time sex has become a trigger since the first three months (I'm also cautious about sex becoming an escape). So a take my shaking body to a meeting. My sponsor told me that the 9th month is a hard one. It's even harder when it falls on the holidays that's another blog entry entirely...

Lets go OUUUUUUT Tonight!

2009-09-29T05:09:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday Morning, I'm eating a cabbage salad with Agave Mustard dressing. Mariah "Wants to know what love is" in the backround.

What is love? Love is looking in the mirror everyday and seeing that person who has brought you to this point, That brought you through the pain and the heart ache, That kept you alive no matter how down you felt and you smile because your alive for another day. And no matter what, you have another chance to do anything you want anyway you want. Kay I'm sick of this song now.

As a single gay man in NYC I use to go out at least three times a week searching for some one to take home conquer. This hunt was exhilarating. Then came online hook up sights, which carried new easy access along with many health and safety dangers. I just read an article about a Guy who hooked up with people on Craigslist and another gay male hook up sight and would pretend to be a cop and make his hook ups go to ATM's and give him hundreds of dollars in exchange for not arresting them. That's sad and funny too.

In the past couple of months hooking up randomly hasn't worked that well for me, unless it was with some one I knew. I don't know if this is an age thing or the fact that I am no longer looking for validation through sex or searching for myself outside of myself.

What's my point? I want to force myself to go out and meet people. Not just for sex, but to make acquaintances. My friends have been doing their best to get me out this week. I think it's time to say yes again.

I may be afraid of rejection though I'm not sure if that's keeping me inside everynight. I want to be able to let my self have funny but I am constantly on guard for the drug addicts and cum dumpsters (syphilis inhabitants) I think these are my two biggest fears. Another one may be that in my 20's I had more money and a better wardrobe. Now I own two pairs of jeans and some shirts. Any one giving away any clothers?

New York City

2009-09-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

I live here but I don't feel like I do since I'm in an outer borough. There is something about living on the overcrowded island of Manhattan that makes me breath in New York City in a much more full bodied more complete experience.

It's the corner stores, Bodega's on every block that are open 24 hours a day it's the constant influx of people from all walks of life a that are walking down the street searching for themselves and loosing themselves to the temptations all around.

There is something deep with in the heart of Manhattan neighborhoods that affect all who enter even those who don't live there. Its that thing that releases fear and inhibition, that lets you open up to a perfect stranger. It lets you feel joy in giving directions, or telling tourist your favorite movie theater with the most comfortable seats or off-off-off Broadway finge show, and the best place to get fallafel.

The New York feeling that brings a group of people stuck on a train together in sharing stories about their life is what I'm typing about. Manhattan brings out a feeling of togetherness. We look into the eyes of the people around us in the city who feel alone and are yearning to find themselves through connections with those around us, we look into their eyes and we know In this big big city we are not alone!

I sit in isolation

2009-09-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday, a holiday weekend. It started off perfect with me going to Philadelphia for the first night of the Philly Fringe Festival. I got to enjoy a show and had the rest of the night to devour Rita's water Ice, and anything else I chose to get my hands on. I made plans to hang out with an older friend I use to use drugs with a long time ago forgetting that's how we met. He blew me off to find drugs and I realized that the next time I remember something like that maybe I ought to ask if the person is still using before continuing the conversation.

I'm back in New York City listening to the cars pass by on the highway people heading to Manhattan for a night of fun with their friends and partying the night away. And I sit alone in my white box I call home isolating myself from the world when I know it's a dangerous and unhealthy thing to do and still all the strength it would take to get up and go to a meeting or to a yoga class seems so daunting that I make every rationalization why it's ok to spend the day in bed getting up for food every once in awhile.

It would be ok if I really didn't wish I was out there with my friends living it up, or at the barbecue ten blocks away that I blew off for my self pity party. I feel myself slipping almost every other week, and some how I manage to pull myself back up, not with out pain and sweat!

The thing is when I'm doing the work, going to yoga going to meetings hanging out with loved ones and focusing on my needs I feel so good, and happy and sad, now I just feel sad. I think some goodness and happiness is a better way to live than just sadness alone. OI!

Anyway, I'm isolating. this is the point. It's not good. But it sure is Easy. I just have to remind myself that If i want the joy I've got to do the work.
peace

Life and loving myself.

2009-08-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

Every day since I've been sober and clear headed (7 months and 3 days) I've been trying to make sure that the people places and things in my life share my desire for actively loving myself. I want no part of the destructive behaviors of the past and I'm willing to do what is necessary to keep my self alive without those behaviors and the negative impact they create.

But I've been faced with challenges. Duh, right? Such is life a big challenge filled with contradictions. I don't want to use drugs but i can't seem to forget the hot sex and the amazing high that went with using them.

I often wonder how fucked up it is that in my sobriety the only memories about being high are the hot sexual experiences and not the times where I was naked running through the streets cause the random stranger who I got high with kicked my out of his house and wouldn't let me get dressed.

It's hot and every one seems to be running around NYC naked reminding me of the days when I came to this city feeling lonely and wothless, bringing a different guy home with me every night trying to fill that void. ( no one ever could go figure)

I am constantly bombarded with the destructive coping mechanisms that I no longer choose to use to get by and I have to start to realize that I'm human, and Rome wasn't built in a day. I am doing the work to actively love myself and I must surrender myself ever day.

What's the point of this rant? I feel that I'm holding on to something that I desperately need to let go of and i don't know how to do it, and by typing this entry i think I just realized that it took years to get to this point and I must congratulate myself for my accomplishments and stop beating myself up for wanting validation from the outside world.

I do believe that I am worth being loved. And I do want others to as well, I just have keep letting myself know that I am worth it and stop waiting for the world to show me that I am. The world has it's on esteem issues/problems to deal with.
I love you Shareef

A Moment of Silence My wrightings for tonights performance of Meditation on a theme

2009-08-13T12:32:00.001-07:00

You were in and out of my life,
Bringing me to tears,
stab me in the back,
and in the front at my heart
goes out to you as I struggle for pieces of myself
to keep for myself
fighting myself to stop throwing myself at you.

You act like this is a game
to tell me you love me,
and fuck many others
then reem me out when I fuck another

I'm silent as you tell me
who you are and what you believe and my eyes here
the contradictions of your actions to your words.

Just mean what you say and say what you mean and be done with it!
or please take a moment of silence!

My Interveiw for the Philly Fringe Blog about my play "Getting Your Life"

2009-08-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

Live Arts & Fringe Festival Blog
Getting Your Life: Shareef Hadid Jenkins Q&A
Posted At : August 11, 2009 3:15 PM | Posted By : Live Arts Festival & Philly Fringe
Related Categories: Theater

Playwright and actor Shareef Hadid Jenkins's struggle with addiction to crystal methamphetamine ultimately cost him his business and his home. A Philadelphia native and a graduate of Temple University, where he studied theater and play writing, he moved to New York City in 2000, although Shareef says, "Philly's a better place to grow what I write, to workshop it, and get enough actors interested in what I write in order to flesh it out."

He started a theater company called Gladys Productions, trying to bridge the gap between New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. by connecting playwrights and actors across the three cities and leveraging their connections into multi-city exposure for new work. Through Gladys Productions, Shareef produced his play The Three Mothers of Zachary at the 2009 Philadephia GLBT Arts Festival, and way back in the 2000 Philly Fringe, his work Fall Into The Trap.

Now clean for nearly seven months, Shareef blogs about his life and work at shareefhadidjenkins.blogspot.com. He says, "I am a black gay writer who is going through addiction recovery. It's my musings, issues of what I deal with in recovery and leading my life so far, because life is work, and it's ongoing."

Shareef's 2009 Fringe play, Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual draws heavily from his experiences growing up as a gay teen in Philadelphia. Tomorrow night at 7:30 pm, at the Laurie Beechman Cabaret at the Arts Bank (601 S. Broad Street, Philadelphia), he'll preview a scene from the show as a part of the ongoing First Person Salons series.

I called him on Friday, and Shareef took a break from rehearsing Getting Your Life to tell me a little more about his show.

Walk me through the title: Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual. Crystal Meth?
It's a character, sort of like this vice, this crutch, this wheelchair people use when they know they can walk but don't feel they can. We can't give ourselves love, so we use this as love—it's our substitute for love. It's just something the people in this play do. Instead of brushing their teeth, they use crystal meth; instead of eating, they use crystal meth.

2 Boys?
John is a dealer. He has something that's happened in his family that he can't face. He's been on the streets for a long time, knows the streets, deals drugs himself. He wants to get high, play, make money, feed his addiction, and that's where he is, and he's content that way. Until he meets Omar.

Omar was raised by this drug dealing transsexual, who kept the drugs away from him growing up. The play starts after he leaves for New York City, finds drugs on his own, and he comes back into this transsexual's life. She thought she could save them.

John meets Omar, and all [John's] beliefs about drugs—that there are no friends, that feelings aren't real—are questioned. In Omar he finds friendship, a companion, and love. And Omar finds life through this drug that makes you so addicted that you forget about love and everything else. He doesn't understand that the drug is taking away his life.

There's a love story between Omar and John, and they sort of figure out, or they attempt to figure out, life in the midst of being addicted and the lies that come with being addicted.

A transsexual?
The transsexual is there to be the mother of it all, but is somebody who's lived a very painful life and has been through it all. People accept her craziness, but she has her own issues with addiction. Most of her craziness comes from drugs, but most people think it comes from the pain of being a male-to-female transsexual.

When I see or meet transsexuals, I think they have so much courage and strength to go through that kind of life. It's hard enough being gay, but to go out into the world every day and have people stare at you, and the insecurity of always asking, "Are people staring at me?" To have that kind of mother figure, gave me the strength and belief that I can do anything. But I also had to realize that this person that I thought was so strong also has weaknesses that she can't deal with.

How closely is the play aligned with your own experiences?
That's a very hard question. I lived with a transsexual who sold drugs. The one thing that she tried to instill is that you need to live your life regardless of drugs. If you can't live with the drugs, you'll have to live without them. Some things aren't real with drugs; the only thing that's real is how you feel about yourself. I tried to put that in the play.

I belong to this group of writers in New York. Every other week we put on 10-minute pieces; stories, monologues, et cetera. It's called "meditation of theme." I had a theme to put on and I wrote the part of the transsexual. That's the part I'll be doing on Wednesday at First Person Arts. I thought about this woman who was a part of my life and taught me a lot about life.

She told me things that were true, and did things that weren't nice that showed me the ways of the world. She was evil. She would tell me things, and if I didn't get it, she'd show me: if I had a boy over, she'd offer him drugs to show me he's more interested in drugs than me. It was her way of showing me that this is the reality of the situation.

Tell me about your experience with crystal meth.
It's all in the play, actually. In Philadelphia I lived for a period of time with a transsexual who was a crystal meth dealer. I met her through a boy I was seeing, who I'd do anything for. He used crystal meth, and introduced me to it, and I paid for his habit, his habit became my habit.

I had a modeling agency in New York, and I used all the time, people were concerned. One day I found myself in the bathtub pouring bleach on myself trying to get the bugs away. I left my condo, left my business, and lost everything because of my drug use. I went back to Philly to clean up.

I've been working on this script for the past six years. Every time I've gotten clean I've written about it, but by September I'd be using again. But this year I got clean for myself, and now I can put it on.

What was it that pushed you to stay clean?
The last two years of my addiction I didn't use that much. I isolated myself from people I used with. I only used when my body was craving so bad I couldn't stand it. I used when I wanted to die if I didn't.

My father called and told me that my brother had a baby—but it turned out that [the baby was born] three months before. I didn't know my brother was going to be a father, I didn't hear about the baby's birth, I had no idea. I was blaming everybody else because I wasn't a part of their lives, but at that moment I realized that I was the reason I wasn't part of their lives.

I think the baby sort of woke me up. I want to be a part of this newborn's life. When I talk to my brother, he talks about his daughter. It means a lot to me, being a gay man that wants to have children some day.

I want to have joy in my own life. Whatever pain and fears I have I have to face them and do the work that's necessary to survive. In the past I've stopped using because I had a boyfriend who didn't use and wanted me to stop. This time around I gave up my drug. I realize that I have no power over it, and I put my life in the hands of the universe.

Why are you taking on the issue of crystal meth use and abuse in the gay community? Right now, it's the number one drug in America. It's the one that we're fighting the most, it's the one that's paid for the most, it's the one that's used the most. It's been part of the gay community for a long time.

When I was 13 years old, I was kicked out of the house, living on South Street. I had friends who were using crystal meth who were 15, 18, 20, but I had no idea. When I lived with the transsexual, she had been selling crystal meth since the late 80s.

I don't know why it's as big as it is now, other than the drug is so addictive. It's so hard to get off of it. Scientifically coke and meth ignite that part of your brain that makes you feel love.

In the gay community, there's a group of people who are abandoned and rejected, and it's hard to learn how to love yourself when nobody else does. It is talked about so much now because so many people are affected by it. Not only are they affected by it, it leads people to have unsafe sex over a long period of time which has spiked the HIV numbers in our community. I worked as a counselor at the Mazzoni Center, and the number of kids who would be HIV positive was staggering; I guess now, the majority are crystal meth users.

What do you hope to accomplish with the play? For people who aren't in the gay community or people who are and don't understand the effects of meth, I want them to see that there's hope. That the people they love who are lost in it do still feel, and do still think about them.

It's part of life that people don't know exists: a world they don't know exists, a language that goes on that people haven't heard. [The play] opens your eyes to what's going on right beside you or underneath you, that is unhealthy, that we ignore, or turn a blind eye to, or just don't know.

Shareef's play Getting Your Life is up September 11 through September 13 at the William Way Center as part of the 2009 Philly Fringe. For more information on Shareef's work with Gladys Productions, visit their website.

--Nicholas Gilewicz

Life in Recovery 6 month aniversary

2009-07-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

Growing up as a "Gay Black Man in America" means that my adult hood has become my recovery. From my first memory I've had to deprogram myself from the thinking taught or absorbed from the people around me. It felt rebellious but I was compelled to rage against

the notion that "God hates Fags" (God=hate?)

that All children were molested and that's the way it will always be, (watch Oprah)(Things must change)

that families should keep secrets, (Secrets are lies that lead to death of ones soul)

that college is a necessity, (Library is free)

that Love is all you need, (and some Sense)

that parents should be listened to always (They rarely know what their doing)

In my journey I remember being in horrible situations or witnessing people including myself hurt others in the most devious ways and I would look up to the sky and around at mother nature and ask "Is this what life is about? Pain?"

The next step for me was to numb that pain with drugs. From ecstasy to cocaine, to crystal-meth.

And so I live my life in Recovery. Today it's been 6 months of sobriety. As I attempt to celebrate I feel the pain of my brothers and sisters in this human race who are suffering. I understand that the best thing I can do for them is to take care of myself. To actively show myself that I love myself.

It's funny that after reminding myself that I must be active about my love, a weight just lifted from my heart.

I am on a journey in this life of Recovery to be better, to live better, and to do better. And so I begin my day on this my 6th month mark living my life to the fullest. Being completely open to the universe and all that it has allowed me to be.

Love & Peace

To

Getting it Done

2009-07-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today July 8th 2009. I began the day with a home made smoothie, went to the gym and realized I had a couple hours left to write a play. I'm proud to say with one hour and fifteen minutes to spare I "Got it Done". But I still wonder with only eight pages to write how it could have taken all day.

Any other day I would wake up starring at the clock thinking of reasons I can't work out. I.e., my back hurts, I have to raise money for my play or I should write something new for my blog, but today those things I try not to put off were easy to accomplish because I had to write a play today. The fact that I was facing this deadline made it harder for me to sit and complete. And eight pages of dialogue isn't asking for much.

Knowing from past experience how daunting the pressure of deadlines are I canceled everything else I had scheduled and anything else that had stress and incorporated stress relievers like the gym and smoothies. These things helped me let some of that stress go. I felt little pressure taking one hour to write each page.

My goal was to make myself open to inspiration with minimal distraction while at the same time allowing myslelf time to answer text and emails. to take a two mile jog and get fresh air. focusing my quality time when I sat down on that one page with out my mind exploding with thoughts of my other undone task which I remember right now. So I'm going to pick one and do my best to
"Get It Done"

Peace & Love!
Shareef

The Truth will set you free!

2009-07-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

Is withholding information that is not known about or ever asked for Lying? Even if you feel ashamed about what your keeping from the other person?

I was discussing with a friend of mine this question as it applies to "More than Friends" relationships. My friend believes that with holding information is not lying and I use to agree until I read the book, The Vevet Rage by Alan Downs PhD.
Information withheld is a lie, a secret is a lie. Actively taking time to not give information is working towards negativity. And this negativity will fester and grow and poison your relationship.

I have many secrets, things I have not told my partner. I think about them everyday. Some things we have discussed are ok not to talk about, like the sex we have with other people. But if he' asks I have always told the truth.

The subject of "Truth" is a big one for me. When thinking about starting a blog I thought most about my immediate friends and family and if my writing about my feelings that may have been set off from my relationships will upset them or harm them in anyway. My therapist says if it's helping me that's what I should consider first.

And I believe if it helps me than I should continue to blog with the honesty of the moment I'm typing. Letting you know that tomorrow after much thought and after getting it out to you. I may change my mind about things. I may have a revelation that makes me see my errors in judgment or my simple truths. I may be having a shared experience with some one else in the world who am letting know, you are not the only one. I may have just discovered my goal in that last sentence, my truth.

And yes I do feel a little bit freer

Peace & Love

What's Going On

2009-06-25T05:20:00.000-07:00

As a writer my thought process for writing is mostly stimulated by what catches my eyes and ears and holds my attention for long enough to develop into strong feelings. Love seems to be the dominating theme in my life this year. The love for my family,I've spent every weekend in the past two months at with my father, the love for my friends, I'm hosting a dinner party where every one from Australia to Boston comes to my place for a bi-anual dinner party, and love for self, I'm drug free and committed to doing what I was born to do write.

We live in a world where I've found in my thirty-two years that love does conquer all. But this is only true when we love ourselves. I've spent years trying to love myself when for most of my life I was told I was not good enough by my parents who used God as their excuse to not give me the love I was worth. I searched for this love through sex, through work, and through very unhealthy behaviors like drugs. Today I am grateful that the God of my understanding has given me the sight to see my worth and the courage to actively show it. Not everyone is this lucky.

With the death of Michael Jackson I ask myself why is it to this day that the black community is so un-excepting of homosexuals to the point of death to the point of after death. Growing up gay in the time that Michael did with a father who beats all of those feminine qualities out of you, I can understand how you could loose your sexual identity in the harsh realities of the world you were brought up in. But when is enough enough?

Disclosure

2009-06-02T03:46:00.000-07:00

Disclosure has become a big word in my life. As a Gay young child how could it not. At a very young age I was considered a sissy, a male with too many feminine attributes. I quickly learned how to hide my natural feminine instinctive personality traits. Some things you could just know about me by watching me for ten minutes. Not that I condone making assumptions but some times if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, girls even if he sticks it in hard he just might be a duck!

Now in my adult life this word "Disclosure" has taken on a whole new meaning. in college I worked in sex education going around to college campuses and clubs, and even bath houses spreading the word of how to use a condom and it's pros and cons. Provoking discussions about how to talk to your sex partner about Std's and HIV. I was regurgitating information that I still believe to be good information today but I was not speaking from experience. I was 20,21 years of age. I never asked a trick if he was positive before shoving my cock down his throat. I never went with a boyfriend to get tested before having a three to twenty four hour sex session. I did however use condoms never realizing that it was possible not to, until I didn't have one that is. I have only used condoms a handful of times after that.

I am confident that every sex partner that I have had sex with who is/was HIV positive let it be known most times in the first five seconds of an encounter. My job as a sex educator gave me a cloak of denial, and I'm still figuring out what that means to me so bear with me. I was an information giver, you know, these are the facts that we know help you contract the Virus like High Risk Activity!

Not using condoms and having intercourse, Having multiple sex partners, Those sex partners having HIV and not using condoms. Having seamon or bloood or Breast milk of some one else enter your body (And this is where my denial started)

" Shareef, I'm Positive!" They would say, and I'd respond,

"Well, since I'm the top, there's nothing to worry about. there's no seamon or blood or breast milk in your ass right!"

This type of dangerouse rationalization to give my self permission to recieve validation through sex (I know that's a big sentence but never the less true), led me through ten years and way over thousands of partners from Denver to New York, to London and beyond. For Ten years and multiple HIV negative test results I was free. I was able to have unprotected sex with who ever I wanted even HIV positive men and not get infected. This was great news to me.

On a trip back to the place I spent my teen years when I was in my mid twenties, I started hooking up with old friends. We'd meet for coffee or for dinner, or I'd just stop by to see how they'd grown up from teens to adults. One by one every single gay male friend that I talk to would disclose to me that they were HIV positive. They would tell me a story of drug use, (crystal -methanphetimine mostly) and unprotected sex with just about every guy that picked them up or that was in the building be it clubs, sex clubs or who ever was on the street and willing. I never put it together the drugs and the sex. I was passing the crystal meth pipe during the whole time they were telling me their stories. Some of them new that I wasn't experinced with the drug and would tell me to run as fast as I can, saying that this life of sex to drugs to HIV is not something I want or should have to deal with. This never registared to me. I didn't have to deal with what they had to deal with I was a top. I've been negative fro over 20 years after over a thousand partners there was no way I could be them.

Of course I thought about these friends constantly. It could happen to me I would think and I'm in to much pain to deal with it. So I did more drugs and i refused to get an HIV test for about two years after hearing the warnings from friends who have lived the life and were now dealing with the consequences. I the sex educater couldn't deal with the reality of sex. I was ashamed of being gay because I didn't have the acceptance of my family. I directed my anger through activism and volunteerism wanting so bad and trying so hard to give my self the love that I didn't get from my Parents. But the void was huge and Sex and drugs was what I used to fill it. HIV I decided I believed it was inevitable for me to get someday and that was that. I did however stop using drugs and having sex for two years after the tenth friends HIV disclosing story.

It would be five years, multiple negative HIV test results and two relationships before i went back to the sex and drugs void filling way of life though I did only have three regular sex partners instead of a didferent ass every three hours. One moring i recieved a call from one of these partners saying that He tested positive for syphlis and that I should be treated. So I went in and had blood drawn and was asked if I wanted to get an HIV test.

I couldn't imagine why I would need to. I mean I've fucked by now hundreds of thousands of guys since the age of 15 to my 30th year and I was done with validation through sex with multiple partners by this time. I realized that untill I actively show myelf that I love myself by ending my drug use and facing my pain, untill I am albe to give myself the authentic validation that I craved no one else could make me feel anything. Yet, i still told myself that if I wasn't positive by now there was no way I could be. I was informed that Syphilis was in blood and seamon and just like HIV is passed from person to peron this way.

"But I'm a top", I'm thinking but I let him swipe my mouth. and thirteen minutes later I was givien my positive results.

My "Denial Reflex Mode" went to high gear. It was like I didn't hear him. This wasn't happening I'm going to go to work and everything will be normal. I left the clinic and walked twenty New York blocks to work, and kept walking ten more blocks to the closest drug dealer and took a needle of crystal meth for the first time to my arm in an attempt to kill myself. Instead i was High as Fuck and the pain hell I was gone. For about six months I was part of the walking dead only coming out at night and focused on not feeling any pain and if we did we'd fuck and shoot the pain away.

Today. I am HIV positive Drug free and have only been in two sexual situations, and in both I've disclosed my status holding back tears. its been over two years since the day of my diagnosis, and very scary I might add. Scary because I was ignorant to what kind of life I had to live. My only experience with HIV was having a cousin who died with in a year of his diagnosis.

I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't talk to them with out crying. After 30 years they were talking to me again telling me the love me no matter what and I was no longer angry at them for my life. I had failed. I had flashbacks of my Mom and Dad screaming at me when I was thirteen,

"Your going to get AIDS if your gay, is that the life you want?"

No it isn't, it never was, but what does a 13 year old do with that. i didn't even know what AIDS was exept one of those words that went with sissy and gay during playground and step father teasing sessions.

But I had HIV and I was afraid of loosing their love again.

Disclosure.

To whom is it important to me to tell that I am HIV positive?

It feels like carring not just the world but the universe on my sholders. Will anyone love me again? Should I ever have sex again? What if I get sick? What if I die?

I told my mom and she displayed even more love. I haven't told my dad yet, hoping that he'd hear it from my mom even though they haven't been married to each other since I was three. I live with the pain of his Muslim heart being torn in two. And me being cut off from his love again. I think about my distant family not letting me hold their babies or not hugging me to say hello.

Sex was off limits for months. I get horny often times jerking off ten times in one session, then not for weeks. I don't think this is healthy but this is what I've been doing when "I get that feeling" untill I learn how to say before it goes any further "I'm HIV positive" Unill I get used to it, i may never get use to it. And so I publish my soul, not knowing if it's the right thing to do or not, but knowing it's how I feel it's where I am as I type with tears flowing. And I will survive!

Peace&Love

The Desire

2009-05-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Today i felt the desire to live, to want, to want a life with better choices, better surroundings, more love and more understanding. Today I felt the need to upgrade every area of my life.

This desire is of everything from the way I look for love to the neighborhood I want to live in, to the furniture I'd like to own, to the friends who's energy would be most positive in my presences.

For the past ten years I have lived a life searching for myself and finally "I find me" All the negative ways to get here is how I lost myself or was blind to the person inside of me.

I've always wanted to feel that passion for life again that purpose of self again. And I felt it strong today.

Today I was in the space where my words will be spoken from the mouths of great Actors. Today I realized that I can be something better than I have chosen to be in the past. I want this to be true in every aspect of my life. So I challenge myself today to be honest about my feelings and not apologize for them. To know the difference between what I know, what I think and what I feel and leave the rest up to God and the universe!

I had a boyfriend once

2009-05-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

I had a boyfriend once! he was 24 and I 29. This meant nothing to me untill I started noticing common threads between him and the 24/25 year olds I dated in the past. I was attracted to his ability to talk about how he felt and though it seemed this came with ease and that it was honesty at it's best, I soon came to realize it was just talk.

If anything I've learned in life it is that the way one describes them selves to you is the very opposite of the experience you will have with them. The sentences that start out with:

" I live like this...." or "I dont do this..."

these are just examples of the person they wish to be, the person they see themselves as, and in some cases the person they want to run too when living in denial of who they really are.

I have a curse! The curse of making anyone I'm with feel like they are the only one! This can make one feel special in the beginning of a relationship with me, but have the Glenn Close (clingy and obsessive) affect when the reality sets in that you still don't know me and you wonder if your all I think about. This is where the destruction begins.

On the one hand I think to myself; what an ego to think that everything I do is about you. Or any communication that we have means that i can't breath with out you.

On the other I realize this can make one feel caged even when I say words like:

"Do what ever makes you happy" or "You are free to fuck who ever you want you are your own person" and "When your with me your with me, and if you want to be elsewhere than be elsewhere" (Its really a waist of time to just be with a person cause your afraid to hurt their feelings)

But the reality of the situation is, no matter what contract I set with a 24/25 year old in my 100 experiences they always agreed to live free and take it slow but their actions were panic, and scared and they couldn't handle having feelings for me and being ok with sleeping with other people without thinking about how it would affect me.

Maybe I was giving them a relationship and calling it a friendship. Honestly I do want to be the only guy. I mean who doesn't but i dont expect that right off the back. I'm willing to work for it, to court it, to show you why I am the best choice in a lover, to give you the freedom to test everyone else in the world (respectfully, safely and there is a limit they can always show me that i'm worth more than their companionship) and one day the conversation about "us" and our contract(or lack there of) will organically be revealed.

This is not a complaint or a judgment but rather an observation based on over 100 case studies (relationships)

One thing that I would always forget when in the middle of a new "thang" with a guy this age is. The life experience of having been that age and the knowledge of the thought process they go through and knowing when they feel uncomfortable, or when they do what they don't want to do to not hurt my feelings (they say, yet it seems to by more guilt and less about me).

I just want to tell them it's ok to be yourself and respect me but dont think your protecting me by lieing.

I know today that weather your 25, 15, or 35, we all have our on process to live, our own paths to work through. And it's about that personal journey and making decisions to the best of your ablility with the life experience that you have. My past relationships and how I perceive them or deny them is not really important. What is important is that I know

"Its not about me."

So, I must let it go!

So I do

Love Peace and Blessings!

Life at this Moment

2009-05-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up and the world inside me was spinning. I found myself running and running. I was running so fast in my dream that i ran out of it and when my eyes opened to the morning sun my thoughts were at warp speed. This week I've been drug-free for 115 days. I've been attempting new friendships that remind me of what life was like before bit the forbidden fruit. I'm getting more than just a reminder. I'm feeling the good the bad and the ugly residue of the life I let before 115 days ago.

I started the week with my father's birthday. Now this was very important to me because for the pas two years My family wasn't the slightest bit on my radar and hardly before that. I was living on my own by the age of 15. But this year I didn't want a week to go by without saying hello. In my thirty two years I've never seen my Dad on his birthday. So I got up at 6am and traveled three states to say Happy Birthday. I just wanted to be active about my love. with in the same amount of time a hospital in the same town was closing the eyelids forever of my Gay uncle who like me shut out his family. Who like me had a vice that leads to death. Who like me knew that it could kill him and couldn't get past the pain, couldn't get to the other side of survival. Though I like to say he survived the best way he knew how.

I didn't realize how much this effected me. These parallels in our lives my Uncle and I. I've only talk to him Three times in my life once for every decade I've been alive. I had a million questions. Like what happen then for him to choose the life he led. I knew this question would never be answered verbally, and that I could answer it myself with my life experiences. But he came before the gay brother to my grandmother. The only example of myself that I knew about in my family. The one to be proud of for taking all the hits of discrimination in our on family to better prepare them to love me. And now he's gone. And I'm not ok. That was just Sunday. The first day of the week.

Tuesday I'm freaking out and I don't know why. My thoughts run and hide in a new friendship that has come to mean a lot to me. Tuesday night I think, say, feel a thousand negative thoughts that I attributedto things mostly not based in reality. And have less to do with my friend than the morning and fear growing inside me. My friend and I attempt to have a discussion and I have no words I understood nothing out of his mouth and then I respond in freak-out speak.

And now at this moment as I am typing I realize that This is about Loss. The Loss of life, the loss of hope. I lost my childhood I lost my family I lost myself and I am afraid of loosing friends, family, and myself again so much that this week its freaking me out. And I help. I've set up a support system very strong. But they can't stop the pain.

Wednesday, I get the news that a friend who I was very close to died of pneumonia. He to left his family and was an addict and this helped with the quickness of his death.

This morning I felt the death of my uncle, I felt the death of my friend. I feel the fear of loosing myself and It Hurts. And I choose to not let them die in vein in my life. I will remind myself of their life lessons and I will not repeat their mistakes to the best of my ability with the help of Almighty God. And I will get through, work through and breath through the grief. I choose to live today, with the pain in my heart that time will ease, with the tears running down my face. With the loss of friends past and future I will survive today!

Love, Peace and Blessings! (Live long and prosper)