I discovered that my fear of being alone and unwanted was stronger than my desire to stay clean. But more importantly I stopped lying to myself about the fact that I had been living alone all along. I would grasp at the idea that some one being close to me, could make me feel good about myself. But we have to feel good about ourselves before any one else can. and I didn't.
Last week I had a drug relapse, long before that i had multiple occasions of acting out through sex I felt myself slipping further and further into my addiction. I noticed that I was doing things I didn't want to do, with people I didn't want to be with. I was loosing control.
In my personal life i was holding on to something that was never there to begin with. I was relying on the hope that happiness would come, but I didn't believe it really would, that love would come though sometimes looking back I wouldn't call it love at all.
I am 32 years old. I am and, I will learn again how to be enough for myself. I will forgive, understand and let go of my mistakes. I will tread lightly in matters of the heart. And I will do the work and try every suggestion to stay healthy clean and loving myself.
It hurts to be where I am today. But i except it. I learn from it and I move on. this is my process. One Day at a Time!
