Fun for me use to be going dancing at least once a week.
"I take my problems to the dance floor"!
I'd go on stay-cations with friends to towns close by with ice cream factories, watering holes, beaches and Historic castles. Now, my fun consists of walking across central park or finding my favorite tv show online for free.
There is little excitement in crossing the park every week no matter how stress releasing it is. I am on the hunt to re-discover what I enjoy. I am making a list of activities (healthy) that are free around the tri-state area and those that may cost a paycheck or two. The purpose is to balance my life and my thoughts with happy, joy, fun, smile educing activities that will create positive memories and experiences.
To much of my life has been spent thinking and , dwelling on the negative. I've spent days obsessing on what's wrong and how I was ill effected by it. I've gotten so use to living this way that when something like a play of mine wins a contest my happiness last for about five minutes then I'm back to thoughts what is wrong with my life.
Now that I'm aware of this, I choose now to actively do things everyday, and every week that focus on the good. I am setting aside one to two hours a day to celebrate life, re-training myself to live in the joy and experience that so eventually that is the place I can go to when my mind falls into the negative abyss.
Now I'm off to Therapy with friends visiting from Switzerland!!!!
Love&Peace!!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
8 months of Sober Sex
It's kind of fucked up that this season, Fall, is a trigger in its self. The cool temperature, the clean cold smell in the air, the number of boys roaming the city streets rising because college is in session. My mind wants me to go out and hunt and devour each one of them if not five partners in one day.
Today that part of me is not in control, but the thoughts seem to be getting stronger, now that I've typed that they seem to have died. One second after, I realize that I'm not that guy any more. I just thought of the endless searching for a moment and a feeling of validation that never can happen when it's searched for especially when looking outside ones self.
What an unsatisfying way to live, what a human way to live. I've said yes to everything that has given me opportunity to, and the things that sabotaged the life I "wanted" to live I've said yes to more, a thousand times more. I have no need for those things, I believe the purpose of needing someone else or something else to make you feel whole, was to show me over and over that it doesn't work but also to remind me what happens when I'm not willing to look at myself. I am by no means over it. Life is work and everyday I have to remind myself of that.
I am an addict. I daydream almost everyday about using and going on a sexcapade. Fortunately the flashbacks that I have remind me of the things that go wrong when getting high: like being to fucked up to realize you just spent your rent money to get your guest high and your cleaning your bathroom when you thought the point was to get high and fuck but you can't seem to do either so you start beating yourself up and become evil towards anyone in a ten mile radius.
My issue is being human, and feelings of loneliness, and temptations of drugs when confronted with hot boys. My fear of going home with a guy I meet that I'm attracted to having drugs has kept me from having sex, and from having enjoyable sex the few times I let myself. I'm finding that in my 8 months of sober sex, my body is going biserk not knowing what to do when in a sexual situation. It's the first time sex has become a trigger since the first three months (I'm also cautious about sex becoming an escape). So a take my shaking body to a meeting. My sponsor told me that the 9th month is a hard one. It's even harder when it falls on the holidays that's another blog entry entirely...
Today that part of me is not in control, but the thoughts seem to be getting stronger, now that I've typed that they seem to have died. One second after, I realize that I'm not that guy any more. I just thought of the endless searching for a moment and a feeling of validation that never can happen when it's searched for especially when looking outside ones self.
What an unsatisfying way to live, what a human way to live. I've said yes to everything that has given me opportunity to, and the things that sabotaged the life I "wanted" to live I've said yes to more, a thousand times more. I have no need for those things, I believe the purpose of needing someone else or something else to make you feel whole, was to show me over and over that it doesn't work but also to remind me what happens when I'm not willing to look at myself. I am by no means over it. Life is work and everyday I have to remind myself of that.
I am an addict. I daydream almost everyday about using and going on a sexcapade. Fortunately the flashbacks that I have remind me of the things that go wrong when getting high: like being to fucked up to realize you just spent your rent money to get your guest high and your cleaning your bathroom when you thought the point was to get high and fuck but you can't seem to do either so you start beating yourself up and become evil towards anyone in a ten mile radius.
My issue is being human, and feelings of loneliness, and temptations of drugs when confronted with hot boys. My fear of going home with a guy I meet that I'm attracted to having drugs has kept me from having sex, and from having enjoyable sex the few times I let myself. I'm finding that in my 8 months of sober sex, my body is going biserk not knowing what to do when in a sexual situation. It's the first time sex has become a trigger since the first three months (I'm also cautious about sex becoming an escape). So a take my shaking body to a meeting. My sponsor told me that the 9th month is a hard one. It's even harder when it falls on the holidays that's another blog entry entirely...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Lets go OUUUUUUT Tonight!
It's Tuesday Morning, I'm eating a cabbage salad with Agave Mustard dressing. Mariah "Wants to know what love is" in the backround.
What is love? Love is looking in the mirror everyday and seeing that person who has brought you to this point, That brought you through the pain and the heart ache, That kept you alive no matter how down you felt and you smile because your alive for another day. And no matter what, you have another chance to do anything you want anyway you want. Kay I'm sick of this song now.
As a single gay man in NYC I use to go out at least three times a week searching for some one to take home conquer. This hunt was exhilarating. Then came online hook up sights, which carried new easy access along with many health and safety dangers. I just read an article about a Guy who hooked up with people on Craigslist and another gay male hook up sight and would pretend to be a cop and make his hook ups go to ATM's and give him hundreds of dollars in exchange for not arresting them. That's sad and funny too.
In the past couple of months hooking up randomly hasn't worked that well for me, unless it was with some one I knew. I don't know if this is an age thing or the fact that I am no longer looking for validation through sex or searching for myself outside of myself.
What's my point? I want to force myself to go out and meet people. Not just for sex, but to make acquaintances. My friends have been doing their best to get me out this week. I think it's time to say yes again.
I may be afraid of rejection though I'm not sure if that's keeping me inside everynight. I want to be able to let my self have funny but I am constantly on guard for the drug addicts and cum dumpsters (syphilis inhabitants) I think these are my two biggest fears. Another one may be that in my 20's I had more money and a better wardrobe. Now I own two pairs of jeans and some shirts. Any one giving away any clothers?
What is love? Love is looking in the mirror everyday and seeing that person who has brought you to this point, That brought you through the pain and the heart ache, That kept you alive no matter how down you felt and you smile because your alive for another day. And no matter what, you have another chance to do anything you want anyway you want. Kay I'm sick of this song now.
As a single gay man in NYC I use to go out at least three times a week searching for some one to take home conquer. This hunt was exhilarating. Then came online hook up sights, which carried new easy access along with many health and safety dangers. I just read an article about a Guy who hooked up with people on Craigslist and another gay male hook up sight and would pretend to be a cop and make his hook ups go to ATM's and give him hundreds of dollars in exchange for not arresting them. That's sad and funny too.
In the past couple of months hooking up randomly hasn't worked that well for me, unless it was with some one I knew. I don't know if this is an age thing or the fact that I am no longer looking for validation through sex or searching for myself outside of myself.
What's my point? I want to force myself to go out and meet people. Not just for sex, but to make acquaintances. My friends have been doing their best to get me out this week. I think it's time to say yes again.
I may be afraid of rejection though I'm not sure if that's keeping me inside everynight. I want to be able to let my self have funny but I am constantly on guard for the drug addicts and cum dumpsters (syphilis inhabitants) I think these are my two biggest fears. Another one may be that in my 20's I had more money and a better wardrobe. Now I own two pairs of jeans and some shirts. Any one giving away any clothers?
Sunday, September 6, 2009
New York City
I live here but I don't feel like I do since I'm in an outer borough. There is something about living on the overcrowded island of Manhattan that makes me breath in New York City in a much more full bodied more complete experience.
It's the corner stores, Bodega's on every block that are open 24 hours a day it's the constant influx of people from all walks of life a that are walking down the street searching for themselves and loosing themselves to the temptations all around.
There is something deep with in the heart of Manhattan neighborhoods that affect all who enter even those who don't live there. Its that thing that releases fear and inhibition, that lets you open up to a perfect stranger. It lets you feel joy in giving directions, or telling tourist your favorite movie theater with the most comfortable seats or off-off-off Broadway finge show, and the best place to get fallafel.
The New York feeling that brings a group of people stuck on a train together in sharing stories about their life is what I'm typing about. Manhattan brings out a feeling of togetherness. We look into the eyes of the people around us in the city who feel alone and are yearning to find themselves through connections with those around us, we look into their eyes and we know In this big big city we are not alone!
It's the corner stores, Bodega's on every block that are open 24 hours a day it's the constant influx of people from all walks of life a that are walking down the street searching for themselves and loosing themselves to the temptations all around.
There is something deep with in the heart of Manhattan neighborhoods that affect all who enter even those who don't live there. Its that thing that releases fear and inhibition, that lets you open up to a perfect stranger. It lets you feel joy in giving directions, or telling tourist your favorite movie theater with the most comfortable seats or off-off-off Broadway finge show, and the best place to get fallafel.
The New York feeling that brings a group of people stuck on a train together in sharing stories about their life is what I'm typing about. Manhattan brings out a feeling of togetherness. We look into the eyes of the people around us in the city who feel alone and are yearning to find themselves through connections with those around us, we look into their eyes and we know In this big big city we are not alone!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I sit in isolation
It's Saturday, a holiday weekend. It started off perfect with me going to Philadelphia for the first night of the Philly Fringe Festival. I got to enjoy a show and had the rest of the night to devour Rita's water Ice, and anything else I chose to get my hands on. I made plans to hang out with an older friend I use to use drugs with a long time ago forgetting that's how we met. He blew me off to find drugs and I realized that the next time I remember something like that maybe I ought to ask if the person is still using before continuing the conversation.
I'm back in New York City listening to the cars pass by on the highway people heading to Manhattan for a night of fun with their friends and partying the night away. And I sit alone in my white box I call home isolating myself from the world when I know it's a dangerous and unhealthy thing to do and still all the strength it would take to get up and go to a meeting or to a yoga class seems so daunting that I make every rationalization why it's ok to spend the day in bed getting up for food every once in awhile.
It would be ok if I really didn't wish I was out there with my friends living it up, or at the barbecue ten blocks away that I blew off for my self pity party. I feel myself slipping almost every other week, and some how I manage to pull myself back up, not with out pain and sweat!
The thing is when I'm doing the work, going to yoga going to meetings hanging out with loved ones and focusing on my needs I feel so good, and happy and sad, now I just feel sad. I think some goodness and happiness is a better way to live than just sadness alone. OI!
Anyway, I'm isolating. this is the point. It's not good. But it sure is Easy. I just have to remind myself that If i want the joy I've got to do the work.
peace
I'm back in New York City listening to the cars pass by on the highway people heading to Manhattan for a night of fun with their friends and partying the night away. And I sit alone in my white box I call home isolating myself from the world when I know it's a dangerous and unhealthy thing to do and still all the strength it would take to get up and go to a meeting or to a yoga class seems so daunting that I make every rationalization why it's ok to spend the day in bed getting up for food every once in awhile.
It would be ok if I really didn't wish I was out there with my friends living it up, or at the barbecue ten blocks away that I blew off for my self pity party. I feel myself slipping almost every other week, and some how I manage to pull myself back up, not with out pain and sweat!
The thing is when I'm doing the work, going to yoga going to meetings hanging out with loved ones and focusing on my needs I feel so good, and happy and sad, now I just feel sad. I think some goodness and happiness is a better way to live than just sadness alone. OI!
Anyway, I'm isolating. this is the point. It's not good. But it sure is Easy. I just have to remind myself that If i want the joy I've got to do the work.
peace
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)