Every day since I've been sober and clear headed (7 months and 3 days) I've been trying to make sure that the people places and things in my life share my desire for actively loving myself. I want no part of the destructive behaviors of the past and I'm willing to do what is necessary to keep my self alive without those behaviors and the negative impact they create.
But I've been faced with challenges. Duh, right? Such is life a big challenge filled with contradictions. I don't want to use drugs but i can't seem to forget the hot sex and the amazing high that went with using them.
I often wonder how fucked up it is that in my sobriety the only memories about being high are the hot sexual experiences and not the times where I was naked running through the streets cause the random stranger who I got high with kicked my out of his house and wouldn't let me get dressed.
It's hot and every one seems to be running around NYC naked reminding me of the days when I came to this city feeling lonely and wothless, bringing a different guy home with me every night trying to fill that void. ( no one ever could go figure)
I am constantly bombarded with the destructive coping mechanisms that I no longer choose to use to get by and I have to start to realize that I'm human, and Rome wasn't built in a day. I am doing the work to actively love myself and I must surrender myself ever day.
What's the point of this rant? I feel that I'm holding on to something that I desperately need to let go of and i don't know how to do it, and by typing this entry i think I just realized that it took years to get to this point and I must congratulate myself for my accomplishments and stop beating myself up for wanting validation from the outside world.
I do believe that I am worth being loved. And I do want others to as well, I just have keep letting myself know that I am worth it and stop waiting for the world to show me that I am. The world has it's on esteem issues/problems to deal with.
I love you Shareef
Darling, I feel you!
ReplyDeleteIt's been about the same amount of time since I used. I am so much happier and things are going so much better for me now. But...there's always a but...
I don't remember how to have sex without drugs. I mean, I know how to do it, I just can't seem to work up much desire. My libido is gone. I'm just not interested.
I had my doctor run all the hormone and vitamin tests on me and everything is normal. So whatever it is, it's all in my head.
Like you, I only remember the positive aspects of cracked-out sex. It's the hardest part of all this for me. I didn't have any trouble stopping. I don't have much trouble staying clean. But I really want my sexuality back, and I haven't a clue how to get it.
I just keep going to my shrink every week and hoping that time will heal even this.
Strength and tenacity to you, my dear!
Well, Two things worked for me. Bikram Yoga Blasted my libido past the stars. Luckily having sex all the time when I was using made me not want to jump into every guy I see and I've been able to control this new found Labido but Natural Highs from exercise Especially from Bikram is the best way to get that drive back.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is learning the difference between Sexual Compulsion, the need to just get off, and Sex and intamacy. THis is the work I find myself contantly facing when dealing with sex. But I'm contantly reminded that it's a good thing not to have a sex drive for ahwhile so I can start focusing on me and less time on ass!
I miss ass! And I'm learning to love me!