As i sit on the computer of my Thanksgiving Day Dinner Host (without having asked I might add) I'm thankful that
a. I haven't been caught and yelled at (though as long as I stay off Facebook I think all should be fine.)
b. that now that I have been caught I haven't been kicked off
c. That gays still can make laugh more than cry
d. That a really great friend was able to join me for this "Family" event
Moving on...
I'm Thankful and Grateful for my Life, and my families, both families of choice and families of origin.
I'm Thankful that for the gift of love and passion and the desire to share these things with the world.
But most of all I'm thank full for my higher power, the energy that flows through me to you, that guides me to a net when I fall that has given me the will to live and survive all that life brings.
I wish you love peace and pore cloggless hair grease!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!
Daniel Juva, Jeremy Wynn, Scott Rowan, Tyler Clemente!
Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!
My first breath of the day was light and the air flowing through my lungs had smooth travel and I felt happy to be alive.
My second breath of the day after opening my eyes from a nights sleep I felt my heart sink and my lungs contract as memory of the life I've chosen to live came flooding back like a tsunami surging through my mind and flooding my heart with sadness.
Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be alive but as in every natural disaster there are those of us who don't make it.
Their are those of us who look next to ourselves and the people that were beside us before the storm have vanished with out warning or so we tell ourselves.
You called me from 34th St Penn Station to ask me if it was ok to come to my house
to love me and show me how you loved me.
And it was that love that you turned for that your life churned for.
It was this love that was void from your life left solid ice hearted wholes while whole hearted you said to me I want a boy
Friend is what I needed especially when confronted by the youth and brains the beauty only God could bestow and gift me with the presence
Brought you from your mothers whom to me through New Brunswick New Jersey
through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station.
Not only on the phone did you beg and plead that I be there be the one you need
To hold you console you, to help take the pain of life away if only for those ten minutes
instigated by naked thrust and fearful pounding hate with the hammer between my legs
nailing the pain of self hate and the ounce of love we had from our worlds deeper and deeper inside you as if love feeling love could only happen when we reach the bottom of our pit in life.
Our pit in life is bottomless!
Bottomless pit
Yet still we throw ourselves at each other at any brother willing to fill that void that the trillions before never seemed to
though not for lack of trying life denying that we were worth trying to figure out for ourselves our personal wealth that till your dying breath seemed non existent.
"Shareef I hope you don't think I'm stalking you I just really had a great time with you
and I don't want to be Alone and I don't want to keep
shoot fuck stabbing numbing smoking chucking Toilet life worthless living in the gutter that I was bullied thrust ed disgusted with self leads me to use and abuse and never learned self love just to shove it inside in every home hole and creves to be born yet never live I need you or the thought of the you to save me from myself please Shareef take the subway to Penn Station meet me at the train cause if I try to cone to you I may not make it, for I was born with an empty tank no love felt filled
No love felt
filled
But I'll take what I can get what I can disguise as love masqueraded as self worth paraded as pride what I only know
will hide me from the natural disaster that has brought me from my mothers whom to you through New Brunswick New Jersey through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station
Taken me through the tunnels of
My mind to the rats who's life was never enough for themselves yet I throw myself freely at every rat that comes along for that one second that I feel.
"he loves me, I'm worth it"
For just one second that rat who defiled me treats me like a broken Rolex tossed in the gutter abandoned by it's owner who once thought it to be the most precious thing to poses.
Brought me to you and Shareef you are not here though to me it was never clear that you to were drowning in life in search of the love at the bottom of your pit Bottomless
You to would love yourself with any rat in the sewer that would feed on you and they would feed on you until you were unrecognizable skinny un-pretty cracked chained and broken unable to give me or them the love you gave up on giving yourself
Shareef you gave up.
Gave up!
So I sit here now with the love In a syringe and a bottle of morphine taking a clue from you but mostly from myself that if I want to get to the bottom there's only one way to get there
My second to last breath of the day I felt pain I felt worthless I felt insane I felt love. Love you all those I leave behind who will forever keep trying to let me know that I had the love I could never feel myself
My last breath I feel calm at peace as I for the first time know that the love In the syringe could never be enough and I swallow myself into the pit to be with love forever and ever
Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!
My first breath of the day was light and the air flowing through my lungs had smooth travel and I felt happy to be alive.
My second breath of the day after opening my eyes from a nights sleep I felt my heart sink and my lungs contract as memory of the life I've chosen to live came flooding back like a tsunami surging through my mind and flooding my heart with sadness.
Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be alive but as in every natural disaster there are those of us who don't make it.
Their are those of us who look next to ourselves and the people that were beside us before the storm have vanished with out warning or so we tell ourselves.
You called me from 34th St Penn Station to ask me if it was ok to come to my house
to love me and show me how you loved me.
And it was that love that you turned for that your life churned for.
It was this love that was void from your life left solid ice hearted wholes while whole hearted you said to me I want a boy
Friend is what I needed especially when confronted by the youth and brains the beauty only God could bestow and gift me with the presence
Brought you from your mothers whom to me through New Brunswick New Jersey
through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station.
Not only on the phone did you beg and plead that I be there be the one you need
To hold you console you, to help take the pain of life away if only for those ten minutes
instigated by naked thrust and fearful pounding hate with the hammer between my legs
nailing the pain of self hate and the ounce of love we had from our worlds deeper and deeper inside you as if love feeling love could only happen when we reach the bottom of our pit in life.
Our pit in life is bottomless!
Bottomless pit
Yet still we throw ourselves at each other at any brother willing to fill that void that the trillions before never seemed to
though not for lack of trying life denying that we were worth trying to figure out for ourselves our personal wealth that till your dying breath seemed non existent.
"Shareef I hope you don't think I'm stalking you I just really had a great time with you
and I don't want to be Alone and I don't want to keep
shoot fuck stabbing numbing smoking chucking Toilet life worthless living in the gutter that I was bullied thrust ed disgusted with self leads me to use and abuse and never learned self love just to shove it inside in every home hole and creves to be born yet never live I need you or the thought of the you to save me from myself please Shareef take the subway to Penn Station meet me at the train cause if I try to cone to you I may not make it, for I was born with an empty tank no love felt filled
No love felt
filled
But I'll take what I can get what I can disguise as love masqueraded as self worth paraded as pride what I only know
will hide me from the natural disaster that has brought me from my mothers whom to you through New Brunswick New Jersey through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station
Taken me through the tunnels of
My mind to the rats who's life was never enough for themselves yet I throw myself freely at every rat that comes along for that one second that I feel.
"he loves me, I'm worth it"
For just one second that rat who defiled me treats me like a broken Rolex tossed in the gutter abandoned by it's owner who once thought it to be the most precious thing to poses.
Brought me to you and Shareef you are not here though to me it was never clear that you to were drowning in life in search of the love at the bottom of your pit Bottomless
You to would love yourself with any rat in the sewer that would feed on you and they would feed on you until you were unrecognizable skinny un-pretty cracked chained and broken unable to give me or them the love you gave up on giving yourself
Shareef you gave up.
Gave up!
So I sit here now with the love In a syringe and a bottle of morphine taking a clue from you but mostly from myself that if I want to get to the bottom there's only one way to get there
My second to last breath of the day I felt pain I felt worthless I felt insane I felt love. Love you all those I leave behind who will forever keep trying to let me know that I had the love I could never feel myself
My last breath I feel calm at peace as I for the first time know that the love In the syringe could never be enough and I swallow myself into the pit to be with love forever and ever
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
When your child doesn't want to (BLANK) Anymore! AGAIN! or Discipline
I was recently having a conversation with a mother about her son's seventh or eighth activity that he is getting tired of doing because it's become less fun and more work. Her son is no interested in something new that he hasn't tried yet.
This reminded me of an episode of the Cosby Show where Vanessa wanted to play an instrument after Clair and Heathcliff spent time and money on
Dance lessons and she quit
Guitar lessons and she quit
clarinet lessons and she quit
in the end they told her this was the last time she would have to practice and be disciplined
During this conversation we both agreed that it is good to foster a kids curiosities while they try and learn and decide what best fits them, but after our conversation I wondered:
Isn't discipline trying something and seeing it through?
Should discipline be taught and where do we learn it from?
The willingness for parents to foster a child's flakiness speaks to the way the parents were raised.
But rarely do I perceive Parents asking themselves:
Do I want a child to learn how to have a goal and do what it takes to make that Goal come true?
Or
Do I want a child that grows up like me and dares to dream at a young age yet is never taught or shown or given the skills to make that dream come true?
I here the parents around me wanting to have birthed the next Micheal Jordan, or Mos Def, or Muckuly Culkan, or Serena Williams, or Bill Gates even but with out realizing that they had parents who held them up when they felt like quitting and reminded them of their strengths in their fields when they wanted to give up.
Are you willing to settle for a child who grows up and lives the "Coulda Woulda Shoulda life" or that learns early in life:
Strong work ethic
Punctuality
Thank you letters
Discipline?
just something to think about when your throwing out the soccer ball that hasn't been kicked in two years, or the Karate outfit that cant be passed down or the trombone that has become a coat hanger.
Love ya much
This reminded me of an episode of the Cosby Show where Vanessa wanted to play an instrument after Clair and Heathcliff spent time and money on
Dance lessons and she quit
Guitar lessons and she quit
clarinet lessons and she quit
in the end they told her this was the last time she would have to practice and be disciplined
During this conversation we both agreed that it is good to foster a kids curiosities while they try and learn and decide what best fits them, but after our conversation I wondered:
Isn't discipline trying something and seeing it through?
Should discipline be taught and where do we learn it from?
The willingness for parents to foster a child's flakiness speaks to the way the parents were raised.
But rarely do I perceive Parents asking themselves:
Do I want a child to learn how to have a goal and do what it takes to make that Goal come true?
Or
Do I want a child that grows up like me and dares to dream at a young age yet is never taught or shown or given the skills to make that dream come true?
I here the parents around me wanting to have birthed the next Micheal Jordan, or Mos Def, or Muckuly Culkan, or Serena Williams, or Bill Gates even but with out realizing that they had parents who held them up when they felt like quitting and reminded them of their strengths in their fields when they wanted to give up.
Are you willing to settle for a child who grows up and lives the "Coulda Woulda Shoulda life" or that learns early in life:
Strong work ethic
Punctuality
Thank you letters
Discipline?
just something to think about when your throwing out the soccer ball that hasn't been kicked in two years, or the Karate outfit that cant be passed down or the trombone that has become a coat hanger.
Love ya much
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"Forever" is just a Fantasy ?
I still hold on the the fantasy of "Forever" when my perception of reality is that life is a Day at a time process of commitments.
How does this affect society's "IDEAL" of marriage?
When entering into a relationship do we live in the fantasy or pledge to try?
Sunday Night October 31st episode of Brothers and Sisters was profound!
If you haven't seen it you should (nbc.com, ch131.com)!
It shows a couple who are married and are gay going through the trials of life that affect every human being regardless of what civil/religious liberties this country offers them.
Brilliant!
It also shows a women who when telling her child she was going to Marry her boyfriend was asked how long they were going to be married, and she was alarmed at this.
My personal opinion is that when your mind enters into the place where your heart takes you, It is best to ask yourself,
ESPECIALLY BEFORE YOU SAY I DO
:
1.Do I love this person whole heatedly with out fear or judgment?
2. What are my deal breakers in this relationship and do I love this person enough to work through them before we get married?
3. Have I sat down with this person and made a verbal contract/interview of what you think you want and actively listened to what they want and are you willing to give it to them even at times where you don't feel like it?
At this moment I am doing extensive work on myself so I am abstaining from active pursuit of those who give me
Butterflies Inside (M.J., RIP)
In my last two experiments (relationships) my intent was to be open and honest and to learn about my partner with out judging or putting stipulations or expectations.
In one relationship I coupled a person who never heard of anyone being open and honest and not
creating DRAMA
when something goes wrong.
In the other I had a willing participant to try and see what happens.
What I learned:
Every one comes with their own baggage and when entering into a relationship you have to check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure that your not overwhelmed with
1. Your own
2. Your Partners
3. The baggage you create together
Forever to me is until you both loose the strength to carry on.
From my last experience I gave up and I was in denial about it. I was holding on to something and working so hard to keep it that I neglected to work on my self at all.
And working on one self is the
Reality of Forever!
No for the marriage part. This concept of entering into a contract is romantic and beautiful but ask yourself Have I been here before?
And what happen and what was my part in it?
My Perception of others relationships (Including my own) is that it is hard for us to look past the pain of the end of the affair to the healing and moving forward. We are so use to cutting off the thought and memory of what did work for fear of the feelings that came from what didn't work
and we rarely acknowledge our roles in the good and bad nor are we willing to listen to exes about their perception of our part in the good or the bad
and if we did
if we were able to hear and actively listen to how our partner perceives our actions to be
would have an idea of who we are
In a relationship and compare it to who we want to be
and figure out how to get there.
Then we can commit to today
Love Ya much
How does this affect society's "IDEAL" of marriage?
When entering into a relationship do we live in the fantasy or pledge to try?
Sunday Night October 31st episode of Brothers and Sisters was profound!
If you haven't seen it you should (nbc.com, ch131.com)!
It shows a couple who are married and are gay going through the trials of life that affect every human being regardless of what civil/religious liberties this country offers them.
Brilliant!
It also shows a women who when telling her child she was going to Marry her boyfriend was asked how long they were going to be married, and she was alarmed at this.
My personal opinion is that when your mind enters into the place where your heart takes you, It is best to ask yourself,
ESPECIALLY BEFORE YOU SAY I DO
:
1.Do I love this person whole heatedly with out fear or judgment?
2. What are my deal breakers in this relationship and do I love this person enough to work through them before we get married?
3. Have I sat down with this person and made a verbal contract/interview of what you think you want and actively listened to what they want and are you willing to give it to them even at times where you don't feel like it?
At this moment I am doing extensive work on myself so I am abstaining from active pursuit of those who give me
Butterflies Inside (M.J., RIP)
In my last two experiments (relationships) my intent was to be open and honest and to learn about my partner with out judging or putting stipulations or expectations.
In one relationship I coupled a person who never heard of anyone being open and honest and not
creating DRAMA
when something goes wrong.
In the other I had a willing participant to try and see what happens.
What I learned:
Every one comes with their own baggage and when entering into a relationship you have to check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure that your not overwhelmed with
1. Your own
2. Your Partners
3. The baggage you create together
Forever to me is until you both loose the strength to carry on.
From my last experience I gave up and I was in denial about it. I was holding on to something and working so hard to keep it that I neglected to work on my self at all.
And working on one self is the
Reality of Forever!
No for the marriage part. This concept of entering into a contract is romantic and beautiful but ask yourself Have I been here before?
And what happen and what was my part in it?
My Perception of others relationships (Including my own) is that it is hard for us to look past the pain of the end of the affair to the healing and moving forward. We are so use to cutting off the thought and memory of what did work for fear of the feelings that came from what didn't work
and we rarely acknowledge our roles in the good and bad nor are we willing to listen to exes about their perception of our part in the good or the bad
and if we did
if we were able to hear and actively listen to how our partner perceives our actions to be
would have an idea of who we are
In a relationship and compare it to who we want to be
and figure out how to get there.
Then we can commit to today
Love Ya much
Monday, November 1, 2010
Relapse!!!!!!?
This morning I answered the door and My overly attractive Ecuadorian/American Ex roommate was standing in front of me looking as hot as ever. He walked in and took off his coat and his body drew saliva from my mouth. There was something about him that heightened my senses each and every one, like a double fudge brownie just out of the oven.
To Good To Be True?
He sat down in front me and pulled out...
DRUGS!
My heart raced my head sinned my mouth shouted
NOOOOOOO!
My body ached and Shaked and went out of control
I was fighting and I was loosing I was tempted with things that looked good on the outside,
but I know where the movie ends
and I usually get to that horrible place in less than 20 minutes
When every thing I have gets destroyed
But I was compelled to slam my self into the depths of hell
and then I started jumping quaking trying to make my body stop reaching for what it was use to
to try to make my body forget this feeling
I jumped soooooooo High that I crashed into my mattress
I woke up in a dark room only to realize it was
just a dream but I didn't know for sure. I was crying and scared and I got dressed and went straight to a 745am meeting.
This was my first using dream in a year. It was totally unexpected totally to real and totally telling of how cunning and crazy addiction can be.
In other news somewhat simular
We Get to Decide Our Future Tomorrow!
It is of the most importance that we vote to not
Relapse
DO NOT RELAPSE TO THE BUSH REPUBLICANS
But more importantly VOTE !
for some reason This country is easily persuaded by lies and money and we are on this wave of electing people that have
No experience,
No Education
No Sense
and No Answers to their complaints of whats wrong with (Obama) as appose to(the Country)
We seem poised for a relapse to put in congress the ideas that have made the richer more rich and the poor very poor.
I live in a state where to leave the house everday cost over $11.
I live in a country that is in dept to a country who hasn't deployed it's army since WWII and yet they are on the road to becoming the richest most powerful country in the world (China)
If we spent as much money on education that we do on Fighting ghost .........
Share the wealth!
Here is the point:
You dont have to vote for the asses of the long nosed nut eaters
their are other candidates
Its time we google, facebook, bing every candidate go to their head quarters check out things like
what legislation have they proposed since being in office?
What is their voting record?
and vote responsibly
you might like some one you never even thought about
This way if you are one who decides to send our country to relapse to the policies that brought us to this depression you would have made an educated vote that I can believe in.
Love ya much!
To Good To Be True?
He sat down in front me and pulled out...
DRUGS!
My heart raced my head sinned my mouth shouted
NOOOOOOO!
My body ached and Shaked and went out of control
I was fighting and I was loosing I was tempted with things that looked good on the outside,
but I know where the movie ends
and I usually get to that horrible place in less than 20 minutes
When every thing I have gets destroyed
But I was compelled to slam my self into the depths of hell
and then I started jumping quaking trying to make my body stop reaching for what it was use to
to try to make my body forget this feeling
I jumped soooooooo High that I crashed into my mattress
I woke up in a dark room only to realize it was
just a dream but I didn't know for sure. I was crying and scared and I got dressed and went straight to a 745am meeting.
This was my first using dream in a year. It was totally unexpected totally to real and totally telling of how cunning and crazy addiction can be.
In other news somewhat simular
We Get to Decide Our Future Tomorrow!
It is of the most importance that we vote to not
Relapse
DO NOT RELAPSE TO THE BUSH REPUBLICANS
But more importantly VOTE !
for some reason This country is easily persuaded by lies and money and we are on this wave of electing people that have
No experience,
No Education
No Sense
and No Answers to their complaints of whats wrong with (Obama) as appose to(the Country)
We seem poised for a relapse to put in congress the ideas that have made the richer more rich and the poor very poor.
I live in a state where to leave the house everday cost over $11.
I live in a country that is in dept to a country who hasn't deployed it's army since WWII and yet they are on the road to becoming the richest most powerful country in the world (China)
If we spent as much money on education that we do on Fighting ghost .........
Share the wealth!
Here is the point:
You dont have to vote for the asses of the long nosed nut eaters
their are other candidates
Its time we google, facebook, bing every candidate go to their head quarters check out things like
what legislation have they proposed since being in office?
What is their voting record?
and vote responsibly
you might like some one you never even thought about
This way if you are one who decides to send our country to relapse to the policies that brought us to this depression you would have made an educated vote that I can believe in.
Love ya much!
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