First thing I did when I opened my eyes at 8:30 am this morning is tell myself that I have to move on regardless of what this flu is making me feel like. I can't live like a heterosexual young bachelor who puts dirty dishes in the refrigerator instead of washing them and to keep away the roaches, who takes a pile of clothes to be washed and brings home ten pillow cases no underwear three t-shirts and lots of no matching socks, who sees a mess on the floor and treats it like furniture that was strategically placed on the day he moved in and must not be moved. No, I had to wake up ignore the fever ignore the nausea I had to take care of what needed to be done!
Laundry it's been three weeks, and my current sick-bed sheets were so sweaty that they refused to get dry. My prescription was three blocks away and the laundry-mat in between here and there. And yet here I was in bed, fever down to 100, staring at a pile of clothes and a piece of paper that might make this flu die quicker and bring me back to my life of choosing to make myself sick on purpose or not, not this getting sick on a whim just because nature is taking it's course.
I open my eyes and i said, "Self don't disappoint me today, before you eat drink or piss, get dressed put the clothes at the door, get that Rx and grab your quarters. You may feel like shit but spending the rest of your flu recovery in clean sheets and knowing that you have clean clothes to put on when this is all over will make up for the pain I'm about to make you go through!"
And out the door I was drowsy, dizzy, and I did it, I did it. and crashed as soon as I got the clothes upstairs popped my Tamiflu and put on new sheets.
The mind used the strength of my body that was always there. In Bikram Yoga some instructors talk about how we tell ourselves what we can't do more than letting ourselves do what we have yet to discover we can. I know I can do anything I put my mind to and so much more that I have yet to discover if I am willing. Today I was willing to go through what ever discomfort lay ahead of me.
Today is how I must live the next chapter of my life. Get up and do what needs to be done. Every time I use to come home from a binge when I was using a year ago, I would come home to the radio on and the same song would be playing each time I'd walk through the door, it was this Gospel tune on a Dance radio channel and It would say it's not to late, it's never to late, you are more than you allow yourself to be, better it's never to late to come home. And each time I would here this song it would scare the living daylights out of me but I knew it was a sign telling me it was time to break free to open my eyes and tell myself we're going to do what needs to be done. Today when i turn on the radio I'm haunted by this song that I first heard during my first year of my addiction, a song mixed by Danny Tenaglia called "Do it Now!"
Can't be more direct than that.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
cold, fever 102, at home with the flu
My new york experience has been dwindled down to my sweaty bed sheets and a bucket for puke. I haven't had the flu in years but some one inside my head kept forgetting to ask my doctor for the shot. Falling sick brings out the poetic side in me say my friends that keep texting to see how I'm doing, texting because the energy it takes to talk makes my fever rise.
So what does one do confined to a bed for two weeks, half wishing they would expire and the other half in a dazed dream with flying daisy petals and memories of good times with the last guy who had me at hello.?
I'm drinking liquids. lots of liquids. and listening to the cars go by on the Bruckner expressway imagining that I'm listening to the waves of the Atlantic ocean washing away this years pains and mistakes and waving in strength and hope for a better life to come once I can stand up with out having the world spin in a thousand different directions.
The Flu couldn't have picked a worse time. I was suppose to move this week, I was suppose to run away from my life here in New York and begin a whole new mess of problems and happiness in Philadelphia. But it looks like I may loose that opportunity. And that's ok. (throwing up) cause this feeling I get from the flu is not pleasant it's not fun. Sitting idle in one place for more than a day brings up every possible thought that I would rather block out, have electrocuted out, or even erased from memory. But I have to learn to live with it.
I have to learn to live with me and all that is my life the good the bad the painful and the happy trips to IKEA. So, There is one good aspect of this freakin flu. I'm forced to be with me all day every day and to deal.
Now the couple arguing outside is a different story some man is about to have his head busted in by a broken beer bottle.
So what does one do confined to a bed for two weeks, half wishing they would expire and the other half in a dazed dream with flying daisy petals and memories of good times with the last guy who had me at hello.?
I'm drinking liquids. lots of liquids. and listening to the cars go by on the Bruckner expressway imagining that I'm listening to the waves of the Atlantic ocean washing away this years pains and mistakes and waving in strength and hope for a better life to come once I can stand up with out having the world spin in a thousand different directions.
The Flu couldn't have picked a worse time. I was suppose to move this week, I was suppose to run away from my life here in New York and begin a whole new mess of problems and happiness in Philadelphia. But it looks like I may loose that opportunity. And that's ok. (throwing up) cause this feeling I get from the flu is not pleasant it's not fun. Sitting idle in one place for more than a day brings up every possible thought that I would rather block out, have electrocuted out, or even erased from memory. But I have to learn to live with it.
I have to learn to live with me and all that is my life the good the bad the painful and the happy trips to IKEA. So, There is one good aspect of this freakin flu. I'm forced to be with me all day every day and to deal.
Now the couple arguing outside is a different story some man is about to have his head busted in by a broken beer bottle.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Winter
I woke up today freezing in my sheets wondering where did that man go that was suppose to keep me warm at night. I mean I'm paying him enough the least he could do is turn the heat on before he leaves. (kidding.)
In my life growing up gay and living through November through January was and still proves to be the toughest time of the year to go through. It's a time that is all about togetherness and family. A time when love is spread through out the world. But when you grow up being shunned for what you are and going through fights with lovers because they too are not use to being cared for at this time of the year, it can make it hard to know what to do with yourself other than random sex and drug use or escaping through television.
This year I challenge you to call your family, every family member you ever cared about and say hi, I miss you, I love you, and happy holidays. I plan to do this to create new memories and new emotions to go with this holiday season and the ones to come.
That man that's suppose to keep me warm has never existed for for me unless I count myself. And really that 's all I have to count on. So turn on the heat and the love and have a warm happy holiday season.
I gotta make some calls!
In my life growing up gay and living through November through January was and still proves to be the toughest time of the year to go through. It's a time that is all about togetherness and family. A time when love is spread through out the world. But when you grow up being shunned for what you are and going through fights with lovers because they too are not use to being cared for at this time of the year, it can make it hard to know what to do with yourself other than random sex and drug use or escaping through television.
This year I challenge you to call your family, every family member you ever cared about and say hi, I miss you, I love you, and happy holidays. I plan to do this to create new memories and new emotions to go with this holiday season and the ones to come.
That man that's suppose to keep me warm has never existed for for me unless I count myself. And really that 's all I have to count on. So turn on the heat and the love and have a warm happy holiday season.
I gotta make some calls!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Two men of Verrona
I spent the entire weekend at home only setting foot outside to greet guest at the door. It feels like I've traveled all over the city because of the lives and experiences my guest have enlightened me with. I met a Dominican American man who's intelligence and wisdom is more captivating than his beauty, and an Italian American man who with his mother owns a struggling cleaning business in the Bronx. We all seem to have one thing in common we are preyed upon by rich white men. We all have high standards for ourselves and live by a code of personal values. We all are judged based on what we appear to be rather than who we really are.
Carlos, grew up in New York city in the time where police targeted gays and transgendered citizens on the regular. He learned at a young age that many his looks could pay a mortgage, for an education, and even a trip around the world, but his brain could take him even farther.
When Carlos walked in the door I could instantly tell that he had the smarts to get what ever he wanted. I understood that like me walking beside a car on the upper east side that people would bolt the locks on anything they deemed valuable. He was an older man who looked 19 clear clean skin, 6'2" who's smile makes you say yes to everything. Carlos opened his mouth and the stereo types just fell by the waist side. He's lived on his own since he was 13, which is part of my story as well. He also had plenty of transsexual mother figures as did I. He was all about being real and being himself and being so over what people wanted him to be. His realness stopped me in my "hiding from the world" tracks, and made me want to go on with the struggle of the human condition, listening to his story made me want to face the pain of and joys of life head on. But then he left and there I was alone left with a powerful gift his wisdom and story of hope and strength.
Giovanni lives in the house he grew up in in the Bronx. His mother sold the house to him to keep it in the family. Together with his mother they live the "American Dream" owning a cleaning business that pays for the house and other living expenses but since the recession started business has been diving down fast. Just like Carlos, Giovonni who has a dark completion smooth tattooed skin boyish features and a supper toned body, has been approached by older rich white men since the age of thirteen while strolling down New York streets. He's learned how to use what he's got to get what he wants. I'm talking about his brain.
These men have been harassed many times been in interview situations, and even been sexually harassed by police officers who would threaten arrest unless they gave them a blow job among other things. And in living a life where they were constantly harassed because of their looks they learned to adapt and use what people labeled them to be from their looks to their advantage. They realized that most of these people didn't think that they had a brain to use so they showed them just how business minded they were by knowing the law and how much time an officer receives from harassment. By making friends with these men and educating them on the fact that they were real people and if you think you can buy real people you gotta have a lot of money!
I can't elaborate on the specifics of Giovanni and Carlos's stories in order to keep thier anonymity, but I can tell you that they have the smarts to live in a dog eat dog world and come out on top. That being human they too feel pain and have been stuck on the never ending drug to numb pain rollercoasting merrry-go-round. But they also have come out on the other side of things and are over putting on airs for people or getting paid to be something they aren't.
Meeting these two has inspired me to keep pushing on.
Love&Peace
Carlos, grew up in New York city in the time where police targeted gays and transgendered citizens on the regular. He learned at a young age that many his looks could pay a mortgage, for an education, and even a trip around the world, but his brain could take him even farther.
When Carlos walked in the door I could instantly tell that he had the smarts to get what ever he wanted. I understood that like me walking beside a car on the upper east side that people would bolt the locks on anything they deemed valuable. He was an older man who looked 19 clear clean skin, 6'2" who's smile makes you say yes to everything. Carlos opened his mouth and the stereo types just fell by the waist side. He's lived on his own since he was 13, which is part of my story as well. He also had plenty of transsexual mother figures as did I. He was all about being real and being himself and being so over what people wanted him to be. His realness stopped me in my "hiding from the world" tracks, and made me want to go on with the struggle of the human condition, listening to his story made me want to face the pain of and joys of life head on. But then he left and there I was alone left with a powerful gift his wisdom and story of hope and strength.
Giovanni lives in the house he grew up in in the Bronx. His mother sold the house to him to keep it in the family. Together with his mother they live the "American Dream" owning a cleaning business that pays for the house and other living expenses but since the recession started business has been diving down fast. Just like Carlos, Giovonni who has a dark completion smooth tattooed skin boyish features and a supper toned body, has been approached by older rich white men since the age of thirteen while strolling down New York streets. He's learned how to use what he's got to get what he wants. I'm talking about his brain.
These men have been harassed many times been in interview situations, and even been sexually harassed by police officers who would threaten arrest unless they gave them a blow job among other things. And in living a life where they were constantly harassed because of their looks they learned to adapt and use what people labeled them to be from their looks to their advantage. They realized that most of these people didn't think that they had a brain to use so they showed them just how business minded they were by knowing the law and how much time an officer receives from harassment. By making friends with these men and educating them on the fact that they were real people and if you think you can buy real people you gotta have a lot of money!
I can't elaborate on the specifics of Giovanni and Carlos's stories in order to keep thier anonymity, but I can tell you that they have the smarts to live in a dog eat dog world and come out on top. That being human they too feel pain and have been stuck on the never ending drug to numb pain rollercoasting merrry-go-round. But they also have come out on the other side of things and are over putting on airs for people or getting paid to be something they aren't.
Meeting these two has inspired me to keep pushing on.
Love&Peace
Monday, November 2, 2009
Rebirth
I've just awakened from a day of sleeping in. Midnight on the hour. I look beside me on the floor there is a melted pint of Haggen Daz strawberry ice cream oozing out of the lid. Donut holes surround my head and a spoon of peanut butter lay on my chest.
I remember having a craving but not actually satisfying that craving. Kind of like my craving to live a normal healthy life. A life where I can be myself and do and say as I feel with as much truth and courage given to my by my higher power.
I picked up the Ice cream now shake, put the donuts in, and grab the peanut butter spoon, and all is gone in 60 seconds.
So now what?
Today is the day that I am calling Day 1. The day where I choose to face life head on. A day where I except the consequences of my actions. The day where I let the sun shine through and fell it's burn and light.
I've lost a person very special in my life, myself and I'm not giving up on him!
I remember having a craving but not actually satisfying that craving. Kind of like my craving to live a normal healthy life. A life where I can be myself and do and say as I feel with as much truth and courage given to my by my higher power.
I picked up the Ice cream now shake, put the donuts in, and grab the peanut butter spoon, and all is gone in 60 seconds.
So now what?
Today is the day that I am calling Day 1. The day where I choose to face life head on. A day where I except the consequences of my actions. The day where I let the sun shine through and fell it's burn and light.
I've lost a person very special in my life, myself and I'm not giving up on him!
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