Thursday, December 31, 2009
The last day of the year
Alll night I'd hear cars and cars beeping and honking and it seemed like it was new years eve. I figure people were trying to travel before the snow hit the streets, getting ready for the time to celebrate a year the lived through. This year was full of "Life" for me. I've felt every emotion possible I believe. Now the goal of next year is to learn how to "sustain" positive emotion, lifestyles, interactions, and relationships.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Productive or so it seemed
First thing I did when I opened my eyes at 8:30 am this morning is tell myself that I have to move on regardless of what this flu is making me feel like. I can't live like a heterosexual young bachelor who puts dirty dishes in the refrigerator instead of washing them and to keep away the roaches, who takes a pile of clothes to be washed and brings home ten pillow cases no underwear three t-shirts and lots of no matching socks, who sees a mess on the floor and treats it like furniture that was strategically placed on the day he moved in and must not be moved. No, I had to wake up ignore the fever ignore the nausea I had to take care of what needed to be done!
Laundry it's been three weeks, and my current sick-bed sheets were so sweaty that they refused to get dry. My prescription was three blocks away and the laundry-mat in between here and there. And yet here I was in bed, fever down to 100, staring at a pile of clothes and a piece of paper that might make this flu die quicker and bring me back to my life of choosing to make myself sick on purpose or not, not this getting sick on a whim just because nature is taking it's course.
I open my eyes and i said, "Self don't disappoint me today, before you eat drink or piss, get dressed put the clothes at the door, get that Rx and grab your quarters. You may feel like shit but spending the rest of your flu recovery in clean sheets and knowing that you have clean clothes to put on when this is all over will make up for the pain I'm about to make you go through!"
And out the door I was drowsy, dizzy, and I did it, I did it. and crashed as soon as I got the clothes upstairs popped my Tamiflu and put on new sheets.
The mind used the strength of my body that was always there. In Bikram Yoga some instructors talk about how we tell ourselves what we can't do more than letting ourselves do what we have yet to discover we can. I know I can do anything I put my mind to and so much more that I have yet to discover if I am willing. Today I was willing to go through what ever discomfort lay ahead of me.
Today is how I must live the next chapter of my life. Get up and do what needs to be done. Every time I use to come home from a binge when I was using a year ago, I would come home to the radio on and the same song would be playing each time I'd walk through the door, it was this Gospel tune on a Dance radio channel and It would say it's not to late, it's never to late, you are more than you allow yourself to be, better it's never to late to come home. And each time I would here this song it would scare the living daylights out of me but I knew it was a sign telling me it was time to break free to open my eyes and tell myself we're going to do what needs to be done. Today when i turn on the radio I'm haunted by this song that I first heard during my first year of my addiction, a song mixed by Danny Tenaglia called "Do it Now!"
Can't be more direct than that.
Laundry it's been three weeks, and my current sick-bed sheets were so sweaty that they refused to get dry. My prescription was three blocks away and the laundry-mat in between here and there. And yet here I was in bed, fever down to 100, staring at a pile of clothes and a piece of paper that might make this flu die quicker and bring me back to my life of choosing to make myself sick on purpose or not, not this getting sick on a whim just because nature is taking it's course.
I open my eyes and i said, "Self don't disappoint me today, before you eat drink or piss, get dressed put the clothes at the door, get that Rx and grab your quarters. You may feel like shit but spending the rest of your flu recovery in clean sheets and knowing that you have clean clothes to put on when this is all over will make up for the pain I'm about to make you go through!"
And out the door I was drowsy, dizzy, and I did it, I did it. and crashed as soon as I got the clothes upstairs popped my Tamiflu and put on new sheets.
The mind used the strength of my body that was always there. In Bikram Yoga some instructors talk about how we tell ourselves what we can't do more than letting ourselves do what we have yet to discover we can. I know I can do anything I put my mind to and so much more that I have yet to discover if I am willing. Today I was willing to go through what ever discomfort lay ahead of me.
Today is how I must live the next chapter of my life. Get up and do what needs to be done. Every time I use to come home from a binge when I was using a year ago, I would come home to the radio on and the same song would be playing each time I'd walk through the door, it was this Gospel tune on a Dance radio channel and It would say it's not to late, it's never to late, you are more than you allow yourself to be, better it's never to late to come home. And each time I would here this song it would scare the living daylights out of me but I knew it was a sign telling me it was time to break free to open my eyes and tell myself we're going to do what needs to be done. Today when i turn on the radio I'm haunted by this song that I first heard during my first year of my addiction, a song mixed by Danny Tenaglia called "Do it Now!"
Can't be more direct than that.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
cold, fever 102, at home with the flu
My new york experience has been dwindled down to my sweaty bed sheets and a bucket for puke. I haven't had the flu in years but some one inside my head kept forgetting to ask my doctor for the shot. Falling sick brings out the poetic side in me say my friends that keep texting to see how I'm doing, texting because the energy it takes to talk makes my fever rise.
So what does one do confined to a bed for two weeks, half wishing they would expire and the other half in a dazed dream with flying daisy petals and memories of good times with the last guy who had me at hello.?
I'm drinking liquids. lots of liquids. and listening to the cars go by on the Bruckner expressway imagining that I'm listening to the waves of the Atlantic ocean washing away this years pains and mistakes and waving in strength and hope for a better life to come once I can stand up with out having the world spin in a thousand different directions.
The Flu couldn't have picked a worse time. I was suppose to move this week, I was suppose to run away from my life here in New York and begin a whole new mess of problems and happiness in Philadelphia. But it looks like I may loose that opportunity. And that's ok. (throwing up) cause this feeling I get from the flu is not pleasant it's not fun. Sitting idle in one place for more than a day brings up every possible thought that I would rather block out, have electrocuted out, or even erased from memory. But I have to learn to live with it.
I have to learn to live with me and all that is my life the good the bad the painful and the happy trips to IKEA. So, There is one good aspect of this freakin flu. I'm forced to be with me all day every day and to deal.
Now the couple arguing outside is a different story some man is about to have his head busted in by a broken beer bottle.
So what does one do confined to a bed for two weeks, half wishing they would expire and the other half in a dazed dream with flying daisy petals and memories of good times with the last guy who had me at hello.?
I'm drinking liquids. lots of liquids. and listening to the cars go by on the Bruckner expressway imagining that I'm listening to the waves of the Atlantic ocean washing away this years pains and mistakes and waving in strength and hope for a better life to come once I can stand up with out having the world spin in a thousand different directions.
The Flu couldn't have picked a worse time. I was suppose to move this week, I was suppose to run away from my life here in New York and begin a whole new mess of problems and happiness in Philadelphia. But it looks like I may loose that opportunity. And that's ok. (throwing up) cause this feeling I get from the flu is not pleasant it's not fun. Sitting idle in one place for more than a day brings up every possible thought that I would rather block out, have electrocuted out, or even erased from memory. But I have to learn to live with it.
I have to learn to live with me and all that is my life the good the bad the painful and the happy trips to IKEA. So, There is one good aspect of this freakin flu. I'm forced to be with me all day every day and to deal.
Now the couple arguing outside is a different story some man is about to have his head busted in by a broken beer bottle.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Winter
I woke up today freezing in my sheets wondering where did that man go that was suppose to keep me warm at night. I mean I'm paying him enough the least he could do is turn the heat on before he leaves. (kidding.)
In my life growing up gay and living through November through January was and still proves to be the toughest time of the year to go through. It's a time that is all about togetherness and family. A time when love is spread through out the world. But when you grow up being shunned for what you are and going through fights with lovers because they too are not use to being cared for at this time of the year, it can make it hard to know what to do with yourself other than random sex and drug use or escaping through television.
This year I challenge you to call your family, every family member you ever cared about and say hi, I miss you, I love you, and happy holidays. I plan to do this to create new memories and new emotions to go with this holiday season and the ones to come.
That man that's suppose to keep me warm has never existed for for me unless I count myself. And really that 's all I have to count on. So turn on the heat and the love and have a warm happy holiday season.
I gotta make some calls!
In my life growing up gay and living through November through January was and still proves to be the toughest time of the year to go through. It's a time that is all about togetherness and family. A time when love is spread through out the world. But when you grow up being shunned for what you are and going through fights with lovers because they too are not use to being cared for at this time of the year, it can make it hard to know what to do with yourself other than random sex and drug use or escaping through television.
This year I challenge you to call your family, every family member you ever cared about and say hi, I miss you, I love you, and happy holidays. I plan to do this to create new memories and new emotions to go with this holiday season and the ones to come.
That man that's suppose to keep me warm has never existed for for me unless I count myself. And really that 's all I have to count on. So turn on the heat and the love and have a warm happy holiday season.
I gotta make some calls!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Two men of Verrona
I spent the entire weekend at home only setting foot outside to greet guest at the door. It feels like I've traveled all over the city because of the lives and experiences my guest have enlightened me with. I met a Dominican American man who's intelligence and wisdom is more captivating than his beauty, and an Italian American man who with his mother owns a struggling cleaning business in the Bronx. We all seem to have one thing in common we are preyed upon by rich white men. We all have high standards for ourselves and live by a code of personal values. We all are judged based on what we appear to be rather than who we really are.
Carlos, grew up in New York city in the time where police targeted gays and transgendered citizens on the regular. He learned at a young age that many his looks could pay a mortgage, for an education, and even a trip around the world, but his brain could take him even farther.
When Carlos walked in the door I could instantly tell that he had the smarts to get what ever he wanted. I understood that like me walking beside a car on the upper east side that people would bolt the locks on anything they deemed valuable. He was an older man who looked 19 clear clean skin, 6'2" who's smile makes you say yes to everything. Carlos opened his mouth and the stereo types just fell by the waist side. He's lived on his own since he was 13, which is part of my story as well. He also had plenty of transsexual mother figures as did I. He was all about being real and being himself and being so over what people wanted him to be. His realness stopped me in my "hiding from the world" tracks, and made me want to go on with the struggle of the human condition, listening to his story made me want to face the pain of and joys of life head on. But then he left and there I was alone left with a powerful gift his wisdom and story of hope and strength.
Giovanni lives in the house he grew up in in the Bronx. His mother sold the house to him to keep it in the family. Together with his mother they live the "American Dream" owning a cleaning business that pays for the house and other living expenses but since the recession started business has been diving down fast. Just like Carlos, Giovonni who has a dark completion smooth tattooed skin boyish features and a supper toned body, has been approached by older rich white men since the age of thirteen while strolling down New York streets. He's learned how to use what he's got to get what he wants. I'm talking about his brain.
These men have been harassed many times been in interview situations, and even been sexually harassed by police officers who would threaten arrest unless they gave them a blow job among other things. And in living a life where they were constantly harassed because of their looks they learned to adapt and use what people labeled them to be from their looks to their advantage. They realized that most of these people didn't think that they had a brain to use so they showed them just how business minded they were by knowing the law and how much time an officer receives from harassment. By making friends with these men and educating them on the fact that they were real people and if you think you can buy real people you gotta have a lot of money!
I can't elaborate on the specifics of Giovanni and Carlos's stories in order to keep thier anonymity, but I can tell you that they have the smarts to live in a dog eat dog world and come out on top. That being human they too feel pain and have been stuck on the never ending drug to numb pain rollercoasting merrry-go-round. But they also have come out on the other side of things and are over putting on airs for people or getting paid to be something they aren't.
Meeting these two has inspired me to keep pushing on.
Love&Peace
Carlos, grew up in New York city in the time where police targeted gays and transgendered citizens on the regular. He learned at a young age that many his looks could pay a mortgage, for an education, and even a trip around the world, but his brain could take him even farther.
When Carlos walked in the door I could instantly tell that he had the smarts to get what ever he wanted. I understood that like me walking beside a car on the upper east side that people would bolt the locks on anything they deemed valuable. He was an older man who looked 19 clear clean skin, 6'2" who's smile makes you say yes to everything. Carlos opened his mouth and the stereo types just fell by the waist side. He's lived on his own since he was 13, which is part of my story as well. He also had plenty of transsexual mother figures as did I. He was all about being real and being himself and being so over what people wanted him to be. His realness stopped me in my "hiding from the world" tracks, and made me want to go on with the struggle of the human condition, listening to his story made me want to face the pain of and joys of life head on. But then he left and there I was alone left with a powerful gift his wisdom and story of hope and strength.
Giovanni lives in the house he grew up in in the Bronx. His mother sold the house to him to keep it in the family. Together with his mother they live the "American Dream" owning a cleaning business that pays for the house and other living expenses but since the recession started business has been diving down fast. Just like Carlos, Giovonni who has a dark completion smooth tattooed skin boyish features and a supper toned body, has been approached by older rich white men since the age of thirteen while strolling down New York streets. He's learned how to use what he's got to get what he wants. I'm talking about his brain.
These men have been harassed many times been in interview situations, and even been sexually harassed by police officers who would threaten arrest unless they gave them a blow job among other things. And in living a life where they were constantly harassed because of their looks they learned to adapt and use what people labeled them to be from their looks to their advantage. They realized that most of these people didn't think that they had a brain to use so they showed them just how business minded they were by knowing the law and how much time an officer receives from harassment. By making friends with these men and educating them on the fact that they were real people and if you think you can buy real people you gotta have a lot of money!
I can't elaborate on the specifics of Giovanni and Carlos's stories in order to keep thier anonymity, but I can tell you that they have the smarts to live in a dog eat dog world and come out on top. That being human they too feel pain and have been stuck on the never ending drug to numb pain rollercoasting merrry-go-round. But they also have come out on the other side of things and are over putting on airs for people or getting paid to be something they aren't.
Meeting these two has inspired me to keep pushing on.
Love&Peace
Monday, November 2, 2009
Rebirth
I've just awakened from a day of sleeping in. Midnight on the hour. I look beside me on the floor there is a melted pint of Haggen Daz strawberry ice cream oozing out of the lid. Donut holes surround my head and a spoon of peanut butter lay on my chest.
I remember having a craving but not actually satisfying that craving. Kind of like my craving to live a normal healthy life. A life where I can be myself and do and say as I feel with as much truth and courage given to my by my higher power.
I picked up the Ice cream now shake, put the donuts in, and grab the peanut butter spoon, and all is gone in 60 seconds.
So now what?
Today is the day that I am calling Day 1. The day where I choose to face life head on. A day where I except the consequences of my actions. The day where I let the sun shine through and fell it's burn and light.
I've lost a person very special in my life, myself and I'm not giving up on him!
I remember having a craving but not actually satisfying that craving. Kind of like my craving to live a normal healthy life. A life where I can be myself and do and say as I feel with as much truth and courage given to my by my higher power.
I picked up the Ice cream now shake, put the donuts in, and grab the peanut butter spoon, and all is gone in 60 seconds.
So now what?
Today is the day that I am calling Day 1. The day where I choose to face life head on. A day where I except the consequences of my actions. The day where I let the sun shine through and fell it's burn and light.
I've lost a person very special in my life, myself and I'm not giving up on him!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Relapse is part of my story
I discovered that my fear of being alone and unwanted was stronger than my desire to stay clean. But more importantly I stopped lying to myself about the fact that I had been living alone all along. I would grasp at the idea that some one being close to me, could make me feel good about myself. But we have to feel good about ourselves before any one else can. and I didn't.
Last week I had a drug relapse, long before that i had multiple occasions of acting out through sex I felt myself slipping further and further into my addiction. I noticed that I was doing things I didn't want to do, with people I didn't want to be with. I was loosing control.
In my personal life i was holding on to something that was never there to begin with. I was relying on the hope that happiness would come, but I didn't believe it really would, that love would come though sometimes looking back I wouldn't call it love at all.
I am 32 years old. I am and, I will learn again how to be enough for myself. I will forgive, understand and let go of my mistakes. I will tread lightly in matters of the heart. And I will do the work and try every suggestion to stay healthy clean and loving myself.
It hurts to be where I am today. But i except it. I learn from it and I move on. this is my process. One Day at a Time!
Last week I had a drug relapse, long before that i had multiple occasions of acting out through sex I felt myself slipping further and further into my addiction. I noticed that I was doing things I didn't want to do, with people I didn't want to be with. I was loosing control.
In my personal life i was holding on to something that was never there to begin with. I was relying on the hope that happiness would come, but I didn't believe it really would, that love would come though sometimes looking back I wouldn't call it love at all.
I am 32 years old. I am and, I will learn again how to be enough for myself. I will forgive, understand and let go of my mistakes. I will tread lightly in matters of the heart. And I will do the work and try every suggestion to stay healthy clean and loving myself.
It hurts to be where I am today. But i except it. I learn from it and I move on. this is my process. One Day at a Time!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Take my problems to the Dance floor
Fun for me use to be going dancing at least once a week.
"I take my problems to the dance floor"!
I'd go on stay-cations with friends to towns close by with ice cream factories, watering holes, beaches and Historic castles. Now, my fun consists of walking across central park or finding my favorite tv show online for free.
There is little excitement in crossing the park every week no matter how stress releasing it is. I am on the hunt to re-discover what I enjoy. I am making a list of activities (healthy) that are free around the tri-state area and those that may cost a paycheck or two. The purpose is to balance my life and my thoughts with happy, joy, fun, smile educing activities that will create positive memories and experiences.
To much of my life has been spent thinking and , dwelling on the negative. I've spent days obsessing on what's wrong and how I was ill effected by it. I've gotten so use to living this way that when something like a play of mine wins a contest my happiness last for about five minutes then I'm back to thoughts what is wrong with my life.
Now that I'm aware of this, I choose now to actively do things everyday, and every week that focus on the good. I am setting aside one to two hours a day to celebrate life, re-training myself to live in the joy and experience that so eventually that is the place I can go to when my mind falls into the negative abyss.
Now I'm off to Therapy with friends visiting from Switzerland!!!!
Love&Peace!!
"I take my problems to the dance floor"!
I'd go on stay-cations with friends to towns close by with ice cream factories, watering holes, beaches and Historic castles. Now, my fun consists of walking across central park or finding my favorite tv show online for free.
There is little excitement in crossing the park every week no matter how stress releasing it is. I am on the hunt to re-discover what I enjoy. I am making a list of activities (healthy) that are free around the tri-state area and those that may cost a paycheck or two. The purpose is to balance my life and my thoughts with happy, joy, fun, smile educing activities that will create positive memories and experiences.
To much of my life has been spent thinking and , dwelling on the negative. I've spent days obsessing on what's wrong and how I was ill effected by it. I've gotten so use to living this way that when something like a play of mine wins a contest my happiness last for about five minutes then I'm back to thoughts what is wrong with my life.
Now that I'm aware of this, I choose now to actively do things everyday, and every week that focus on the good. I am setting aside one to two hours a day to celebrate life, re-training myself to live in the joy and experience that so eventually that is the place I can go to when my mind falls into the negative abyss.
Now I'm off to Therapy with friends visiting from Switzerland!!!!
Love&Peace!!
8 months of Sober Sex
It's kind of fucked up that this season, Fall, is a trigger in its self. The cool temperature, the clean cold smell in the air, the number of boys roaming the city streets rising because college is in session. My mind wants me to go out and hunt and devour each one of them if not five partners in one day.
Today that part of me is not in control, but the thoughts seem to be getting stronger, now that I've typed that they seem to have died. One second after, I realize that I'm not that guy any more. I just thought of the endless searching for a moment and a feeling of validation that never can happen when it's searched for especially when looking outside ones self.
What an unsatisfying way to live, what a human way to live. I've said yes to everything that has given me opportunity to, and the things that sabotaged the life I "wanted" to live I've said yes to more, a thousand times more. I have no need for those things, I believe the purpose of needing someone else or something else to make you feel whole, was to show me over and over that it doesn't work but also to remind me what happens when I'm not willing to look at myself. I am by no means over it. Life is work and everyday I have to remind myself of that.
I am an addict. I daydream almost everyday about using and going on a sexcapade. Fortunately the flashbacks that I have remind me of the things that go wrong when getting high: like being to fucked up to realize you just spent your rent money to get your guest high and your cleaning your bathroom when you thought the point was to get high and fuck but you can't seem to do either so you start beating yourself up and become evil towards anyone in a ten mile radius.
My issue is being human, and feelings of loneliness, and temptations of drugs when confronted with hot boys. My fear of going home with a guy I meet that I'm attracted to having drugs has kept me from having sex, and from having enjoyable sex the few times I let myself. I'm finding that in my 8 months of sober sex, my body is going biserk not knowing what to do when in a sexual situation. It's the first time sex has become a trigger since the first three months (I'm also cautious about sex becoming an escape). So a take my shaking body to a meeting. My sponsor told me that the 9th month is a hard one. It's even harder when it falls on the holidays that's another blog entry entirely...
Today that part of me is not in control, but the thoughts seem to be getting stronger, now that I've typed that they seem to have died. One second after, I realize that I'm not that guy any more. I just thought of the endless searching for a moment and a feeling of validation that never can happen when it's searched for especially when looking outside ones self.
What an unsatisfying way to live, what a human way to live. I've said yes to everything that has given me opportunity to, and the things that sabotaged the life I "wanted" to live I've said yes to more, a thousand times more. I have no need for those things, I believe the purpose of needing someone else or something else to make you feel whole, was to show me over and over that it doesn't work but also to remind me what happens when I'm not willing to look at myself. I am by no means over it. Life is work and everyday I have to remind myself of that.
I am an addict. I daydream almost everyday about using and going on a sexcapade. Fortunately the flashbacks that I have remind me of the things that go wrong when getting high: like being to fucked up to realize you just spent your rent money to get your guest high and your cleaning your bathroom when you thought the point was to get high and fuck but you can't seem to do either so you start beating yourself up and become evil towards anyone in a ten mile radius.
My issue is being human, and feelings of loneliness, and temptations of drugs when confronted with hot boys. My fear of going home with a guy I meet that I'm attracted to having drugs has kept me from having sex, and from having enjoyable sex the few times I let myself. I'm finding that in my 8 months of sober sex, my body is going biserk not knowing what to do when in a sexual situation. It's the first time sex has become a trigger since the first three months (I'm also cautious about sex becoming an escape). So a take my shaking body to a meeting. My sponsor told me that the 9th month is a hard one. It's even harder when it falls on the holidays that's another blog entry entirely...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Lets go OUUUUUUT Tonight!
It's Tuesday Morning, I'm eating a cabbage salad with Agave Mustard dressing. Mariah "Wants to know what love is" in the backround.
What is love? Love is looking in the mirror everyday and seeing that person who has brought you to this point, That brought you through the pain and the heart ache, That kept you alive no matter how down you felt and you smile because your alive for another day. And no matter what, you have another chance to do anything you want anyway you want. Kay I'm sick of this song now.
As a single gay man in NYC I use to go out at least three times a week searching for some one to take home conquer. This hunt was exhilarating. Then came online hook up sights, which carried new easy access along with many health and safety dangers. I just read an article about a Guy who hooked up with people on Craigslist and another gay male hook up sight and would pretend to be a cop and make his hook ups go to ATM's and give him hundreds of dollars in exchange for not arresting them. That's sad and funny too.
In the past couple of months hooking up randomly hasn't worked that well for me, unless it was with some one I knew. I don't know if this is an age thing or the fact that I am no longer looking for validation through sex or searching for myself outside of myself.
What's my point? I want to force myself to go out and meet people. Not just for sex, but to make acquaintances. My friends have been doing their best to get me out this week. I think it's time to say yes again.
I may be afraid of rejection though I'm not sure if that's keeping me inside everynight. I want to be able to let my self have funny but I am constantly on guard for the drug addicts and cum dumpsters (syphilis inhabitants) I think these are my two biggest fears. Another one may be that in my 20's I had more money and a better wardrobe. Now I own two pairs of jeans and some shirts. Any one giving away any clothers?
What is love? Love is looking in the mirror everyday and seeing that person who has brought you to this point, That brought you through the pain and the heart ache, That kept you alive no matter how down you felt and you smile because your alive for another day. And no matter what, you have another chance to do anything you want anyway you want. Kay I'm sick of this song now.
As a single gay man in NYC I use to go out at least three times a week searching for some one to take home conquer. This hunt was exhilarating. Then came online hook up sights, which carried new easy access along with many health and safety dangers. I just read an article about a Guy who hooked up with people on Craigslist and another gay male hook up sight and would pretend to be a cop and make his hook ups go to ATM's and give him hundreds of dollars in exchange for not arresting them. That's sad and funny too.
In the past couple of months hooking up randomly hasn't worked that well for me, unless it was with some one I knew. I don't know if this is an age thing or the fact that I am no longer looking for validation through sex or searching for myself outside of myself.
What's my point? I want to force myself to go out and meet people. Not just for sex, but to make acquaintances. My friends have been doing their best to get me out this week. I think it's time to say yes again.
I may be afraid of rejection though I'm not sure if that's keeping me inside everynight. I want to be able to let my self have funny but I am constantly on guard for the drug addicts and cum dumpsters (syphilis inhabitants) I think these are my two biggest fears. Another one may be that in my 20's I had more money and a better wardrobe. Now I own two pairs of jeans and some shirts. Any one giving away any clothers?
Sunday, September 6, 2009
New York City
I live here but I don't feel like I do since I'm in an outer borough. There is something about living on the overcrowded island of Manhattan that makes me breath in New York City in a much more full bodied more complete experience.
It's the corner stores, Bodega's on every block that are open 24 hours a day it's the constant influx of people from all walks of life a that are walking down the street searching for themselves and loosing themselves to the temptations all around.
There is something deep with in the heart of Manhattan neighborhoods that affect all who enter even those who don't live there. Its that thing that releases fear and inhibition, that lets you open up to a perfect stranger. It lets you feel joy in giving directions, or telling tourist your favorite movie theater with the most comfortable seats or off-off-off Broadway finge show, and the best place to get fallafel.
The New York feeling that brings a group of people stuck on a train together in sharing stories about their life is what I'm typing about. Manhattan brings out a feeling of togetherness. We look into the eyes of the people around us in the city who feel alone and are yearning to find themselves through connections with those around us, we look into their eyes and we know In this big big city we are not alone!
It's the corner stores, Bodega's on every block that are open 24 hours a day it's the constant influx of people from all walks of life a that are walking down the street searching for themselves and loosing themselves to the temptations all around.
There is something deep with in the heart of Manhattan neighborhoods that affect all who enter even those who don't live there. Its that thing that releases fear and inhibition, that lets you open up to a perfect stranger. It lets you feel joy in giving directions, or telling tourist your favorite movie theater with the most comfortable seats or off-off-off Broadway finge show, and the best place to get fallafel.
The New York feeling that brings a group of people stuck on a train together in sharing stories about their life is what I'm typing about. Manhattan brings out a feeling of togetherness. We look into the eyes of the people around us in the city who feel alone and are yearning to find themselves through connections with those around us, we look into their eyes and we know In this big big city we are not alone!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I sit in isolation
It's Saturday, a holiday weekend. It started off perfect with me going to Philadelphia for the first night of the Philly Fringe Festival. I got to enjoy a show and had the rest of the night to devour Rita's water Ice, and anything else I chose to get my hands on. I made plans to hang out with an older friend I use to use drugs with a long time ago forgetting that's how we met. He blew me off to find drugs and I realized that the next time I remember something like that maybe I ought to ask if the person is still using before continuing the conversation.
I'm back in New York City listening to the cars pass by on the highway people heading to Manhattan for a night of fun with their friends and partying the night away. And I sit alone in my white box I call home isolating myself from the world when I know it's a dangerous and unhealthy thing to do and still all the strength it would take to get up and go to a meeting or to a yoga class seems so daunting that I make every rationalization why it's ok to spend the day in bed getting up for food every once in awhile.
It would be ok if I really didn't wish I was out there with my friends living it up, or at the barbecue ten blocks away that I blew off for my self pity party. I feel myself slipping almost every other week, and some how I manage to pull myself back up, not with out pain and sweat!
The thing is when I'm doing the work, going to yoga going to meetings hanging out with loved ones and focusing on my needs I feel so good, and happy and sad, now I just feel sad. I think some goodness and happiness is a better way to live than just sadness alone. OI!
Anyway, I'm isolating. this is the point. It's not good. But it sure is Easy. I just have to remind myself that If i want the joy I've got to do the work.
peace
I'm back in New York City listening to the cars pass by on the highway people heading to Manhattan for a night of fun with their friends and partying the night away. And I sit alone in my white box I call home isolating myself from the world when I know it's a dangerous and unhealthy thing to do and still all the strength it would take to get up and go to a meeting or to a yoga class seems so daunting that I make every rationalization why it's ok to spend the day in bed getting up for food every once in awhile.
It would be ok if I really didn't wish I was out there with my friends living it up, or at the barbecue ten blocks away that I blew off for my self pity party. I feel myself slipping almost every other week, and some how I manage to pull myself back up, not with out pain and sweat!
The thing is when I'm doing the work, going to yoga going to meetings hanging out with loved ones and focusing on my needs I feel so good, and happy and sad, now I just feel sad. I think some goodness and happiness is a better way to live than just sadness alone. OI!
Anyway, I'm isolating. this is the point. It's not good. But it sure is Easy. I just have to remind myself that If i want the joy I've got to do the work.
peace
Monday, August 17, 2009
Life and loving myself.
Every day since I've been sober and clear headed (7 months and 3 days) I've been trying to make sure that the people places and things in my life share my desire for actively loving myself. I want no part of the destructive behaviors of the past and I'm willing to do what is necessary to keep my self alive without those behaviors and the negative impact they create.
But I've been faced with challenges. Duh, right? Such is life a big challenge filled with contradictions. I don't want to use drugs but i can't seem to forget the hot sex and the amazing high that went with using them.
I often wonder how fucked up it is that in my sobriety the only memories about being high are the hot sexual experiences and not the times where I was naked running through the streets cause the random stranger who I got high with kicked my out of his house and wouldn't let me get dressed.
It's hot and every one seems to be running around NYC naked reminding me of the days when I came to this city feeling lonely and wothless, bringing a different guy home with me every night trying to fill that void. ( no one ever could go figure)
I am constantly bombarded with the destructive coping mechanisms that I no longer choose to use to get by and I have to start to realize that I'm human, and Rome wasn't built in a day. I am doing the work to actively love myself and I must surrender myself ever day.
What's the point of this rant? I feel that I'm holding on to something that I desperately need to let go of and i don't know how to do it, and by typing this entry i think I just realized that it took years to get to this point and I must congratulate myself for my accomplishments and stop beating myself up for wanting validation from the outside world.
I do believe that I am worth being loved. And I do want others to as well, I just have keep letting myself know that I am worth it and stop waiting for the world to show me that I am. The world has it's on esteem issues/problems to deal with.
I love you Shareef
But I've been faced with challenges. Duh, right? Such is life a big challenge filled with contradictions. I don't want to use drugs but i can't seem to forget the hot sex and the amazing high that went with using them.
I often wonder how fucked up it is that in my sobriety the only memories about being high are the hot sexual experiences and not the times where I was naked running through the streets cause the random stranger who I got high with kicked my out of his house and wouldn't let me get dressed.
It's hot and every one seems to be running around NYC naked reminding me of the days when I came to this city feeling lonely and wothless, bringing a different guy home with me every night trying to fill that void. ( no one ever could go figure)
I am constantly bombarded with the destructive coping mechanisms that I no longer choose to use to get by and I have to start to realize that I'm human, and Rome wasn't built in a day. I am doing the work to actively love myself and I must surrender myself ever day.
What's the point of this rant? I feel that I'm holding on to something that I desperately need to let go of and i don't know how to do it, and by typing this entry i think I just realized that it took years to get to this point and I must congratulate myself for my accomplishments and stop beating myself up for wanting validation from the outside world.
I do believe that I am worth being loved. And I do want others to as well, I just have keep letting myself know that I am worth it and stop waiting for the world to show me that I am. The world has it's on esteem issues/problems to deal with.
I love you Shareef
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A Moment of Silence My wrightings for tonights performance of Meditation on a theme
You were in and out of my life,
Bringing me to tears,
stab me in the back,
and in the front at my heart
goes out to you as I struggle for pieces of myself
to keep for myself
fighting myself to stop throwing myself at you.
You act like this is a game
to tell me you love me,
and fuck many others
then reem me out when I fuck another
I'm silent as you tell me
who you are and what you believe and my eyes here
the contradictions of your actions to your words.
Just mean what you say and say what you mean and be done with it!
or please take a moment of silence!
Bringing me to tears,
stab me in the back,
and in the front at my heart
goes out to you as I struggle for pieces of myself
to keep for myself
fighting myself to stop throwing myself at you.
You act like this is a game
to tell me you love me,
and fuck many others
then reem me out when I fuck another
I'm silent as you tell me
who you are and what you believe and my eyes here
the contradictions of your actions to your words.
Just mean what you say and say what you mean and be done with it!
or please take a moment of silence!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My Interveiw for the Philly Fringe Blog about my play "Getting Your Life"
Live Arts & Fringe Festival Blog
Getting Your Life: Shareef Hadid Jenkins Q&A
Posted At : August 11, 2009 3:15 PM | Posted By : Live Arts Festival & Philly Fringe
Related Categories: Theater
Playwright and actor Shareef Hadid Jenkins's struggle with addiction to crystal methamphetamine ultimately cost him his business and his home. A Philadelphia native and a graduate of Temple University, where he studied theater and play writing, he moved to New York City in 2000, although Shareef says, "Philly's a better place to grow what I write, to workshop it, and get enough actors interested in what I write in order to flesh it out."
He started a theater company called Gladys Productions, trying to bridge the gap between New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. by connecting playwrights and actors across the three cities and leveraging their connections into multi-city exposure for new work. Through Gladys Productions, Shareef produced his play The Three Mothers of Zachary at the 2009 Philadephia GLBT Arts Festival, and way back in the 2000 Philly Fringe, his work Fall Into The Trap.
Now clean for nearly seven months, Shareef blogs about his life and work at shareefhadidjenkins.blogspot.com. He says, "I am a black gay writer who is going through addiction recovery. It's my musings, issues of what I deal with in recovery and leading my life so far, because life is work, and it's ongoing."
Shareef's 2009 Fringe play, Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual draws heavily from his experiences growing up as a gay teen in Philadelphia. Tomorrow night at 7:30 pm, at the Laurie Beechman Cabaret at the Arts Bank (601 S. Broad Street, Philadelphia), he'll preview a scene from the show as a part of the ongoing First Person Salons series.
I called him on Friday, and Shareef took a break from rehearsing Getting Your Life to tell me a little more about his show.
Walk me through the title: Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual. Crystal Meth?
It's a character, sort of like this vice, this crutch, this wheelchair people use when they know they can walk but don't feel they can. We can't give ourselves love, so we use this as love—it's our substitute for love. It's just something the people in this play do. Instead of brushing their teeth, they use crystal meth; instead of eating, they use crystal meth.
2 Boys?
John is a dealer. He has something that's happened in his family that he can't face. He's been on the streets for a long time, knows the streets, deals drugs himself. He wants to get high, play, make money, feed his addiction, and that's where he is, and he's content that way. Until he meets Omar.
Omar was raised by this drug dealing transsexual, who kept the drugs away from him growing up. The play starts after he leaves for New York City, finds drugs on his own, and he comes back into this transsexual's life. She thought she could save them.
John meets Omar, and all [John's] beliefs about drugs—that there are no friends, that feelings aren't real—are questioned. In Omar he finds friendship, a companion, and love. And Omar finds life through this drug that makes you so addicted that you forget about love and everything else. He doesn't understand that the drug is taking away his life.
There's a love story between Omar and John, and they sort of figure out, or they attempt to figure out, life in the midst of being addicted and the lies that come with being addicted.
A transsexual?
The transsexual is there to be the mother of it all, but is somebody who's lived a very painful life and has been through it all. People accept her craziness, but she has her own issues with addiction. Most of her craziness comes from drugs, but most people think it comes from the pain of being a male-to-female transsexual.
When I see or meet transsexuals, I think they have so much courage and strength to go through that kind of life. It's hard enough being gay, but to go out into the world every day and have people stare at you, and the insecurity of always asking, "Are people staring at me?" To have that kind of mother figure, gave me the strength and belief that I can do anything. But I also had to realize that this person that I thought was so strong also has weaknesses that she can't deal with.
How closely is the play aligned with your own experiences?
That's a very hard question. I lived with a transsexual who sold drugs. The one thing that she tried to instill is that you need to live your life regardless of drugs. If you can't live with the drugs, you'll have to live without them. Some things aren't real with drugs; the only thing that's real is how you feel about yourself. I tried to put that in the play.
I belong to this group of writers in New York. Every other week we put on 10-minute pieces; stories, monologues, et cetera. It's called "meditation of theme." I had a theme to put on and I wrote the part of the transsexual. That's the part I'll be doing on Wednesday at First Person Arts. I thought about this woman who was a part of my life and taught me a lot about life.
She told me things that were true, and did things that weren't nice that showed me the ways of the world. She was evil. She would tell me things, and if I didn't get it, she'd show me: if I had a boy over, she'd offer him drugs to show me he's more interested in drugs than me. It was her way of showing me that this is the reality of the situation.
Tell me about your experience with crystal meth.
It's all in the play, actually. In Philadelphia I lived for a period of time with a transsexual who was a crystal meth dealer. I met her through a boy I was seeing, who I'd do anything for. He used crystal meth, and introduced me to it, and I paid for his habit, his habit became my habit.
I had a modeling agency in New York, and I used all the time, people were concerned. One day I found myself in the bathtub pouring bleach on myself trying to get the bugs away. I left my condo, left my business, and lost everything because of my drug use. I went back to Philly to clean up.
I've been working on this script for the past six years. Every time I've gotten clean I've written about it, but by September I'd be using again. But this year I got clean for myself, and now I can put it on.
What was it that pushed you to stay clean?
The last two years of my addiction I didn't use that much. I isolated myself from people I used with. I only used when my body was craving so bad I couldn't stand it. I used when I wanted to die if I didn't.
My father called and told me that my brother had a baby—but it turned out that [the baby was born] three months before. I didn't know my brother was going to be a father, I didn't hear about the baby's birth, I had no idea. I was blaming everybody else because I wasn't a part of their lives, but at that moment I realized that I was the reason I wasn't part of their lives.
I think the baby sort of woke me up. I want to be a part of this newborn's life. When I talk to my brother, he talks about his daughter. It means a lot to me, being a gay man that wants to have children some day.
I want to have joy in my own life. Whatever pain and fears I have I have to face them and do the work that's necessary to survive. In the past I've stopped using because I had a boyfriend who didn't use and wanted me to stop. This time around I gave up my drug. I realize that I have no power over it, and I put my life in the hands of the universe.
Why are you taking on the issue of crystal meth use and abuse in the gay community? Right now, it's the number one drug in America. It's the one that we're fighting the most, it's the one that's paid for the most, it's the one that's used the most. It's been part of the gay community for a long time.
When I was 13 years old, I was kicked out of the house, living on South Street. I had friends who were using crystal meth who were 15, 18, 20, but I had no idea. When I lived with the transsexual, she had been selling crystal meth since the late 80s.
I don't know why it's as big as it is now, other than the drug is so addictive. It's so hard to get off of it. Scientifically coke and meth ignite that part of your brain that makes you feel love.
In the gay community, there's a group of people who are abandoned and rejected, and it's hard to learn how to love yourself when nobody else does. It is talked about so much now because so many people are affected by it. Not only are they affected by it, it leads people to have unsafe sex over a long period of time which has spiked the HIV numbers in our community. I worked as a counselor at the Mazzoni Center, and the number of kids who would be HIV positive was staggering; I guess now, the majority are crystal meth users.
What do you hope to accomplish with the play? For people who aren't in the gay community or people who are and don't understand the effects of meth, I want them to see that there's hope. That the people they love who are lost in it do still feel, and do still think about them.
It's part of life that people don't know exists: a world they don't know exists, a language that goes on that people haven't heard. [The play] opens your eyes to what's going on right beside you or underneath you, that is unhealthy, that we ignore, or turn a blind eye to, or just don't know.
Shareef's play Getting Your Life is up September 11 through September 13 at the William Way Center as part of the 2009 Philly Fringe. For more information on Shareef's work with Gladys Productions, visit their website.
--Nicholas Gilewicz
Getting Your Life: Shareef Hadid Jenkins Q&A
Posted At : August 11, 2009 3:15 PM | Posted By : Live Arts Festival & Philly Fringe
Related Categories: Theater
Playwright and actor Shareef Hadid Jenkins's struggle with addiction to crystal methamphetamine ultimately cost him his business and his home. A Philadelphia native and a graduate of Temple University, where he studied theater and play writing, he moved to New York City in 2000, although Shareef says, "Philly's a better place to grow what I write, to workshop it, and get enough actors interested in what I write in order to flesh it out."
He started a theater company called Gladys Productions, trying to bridge the gap between New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. by connecting playwrights and actors across the three cities and leveraging their connections into multi-city exposure for new work. Through Gladys Productions, Shareef produced his play The Three Mothers of Zachary at the 2009 Philadephia GLBT Arts Festival, and way back in the 2000 Philly Fringe, his work Fall Into The Trap.
Now clean for nearly seven months, Shareef blogs about his life and work at shareefhadidjenkins.blogspot.com. He says, "I am a black gay writer who is going through addiction recovery. It's my musings, issues of what I deal with in recovery and leading my life so far, because life is work, and it's ongoing."
Shareef's 2009 Fringe play, Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual draws heavily from his experiences growing up as a gay teen in Philadelphia. Tomorrow night at 7:30 pm, at the Laurie Beechman Cabaret at the Arts Bank (601 S. Broad Street, Philadelphia), he'll preview a scene from the show as a part of the ongoing First Person Salons series.
I called him on Friday, and Shareef took a break from rehearsing Getting Your Life to tell me a little more about his show.
Walk me through the title: Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual. Crystal Meth?
It's a character, sort of like this vice, this crutch, this wheelchair people use when they know they can walk but don't feel they can. We can't give ourselves love, so we use this as love—it's our substitute for love. It's just something the people in this play do. Instead of brushing their teeth, they use crystal meth; instead of eating, they use crystal meth.
2 Boys?
John is a dealer. He has something that's happened in his family that he can't face. He's been on the streets for a long time, knows the streets, deals drugs himself. He wants to get high, play, make money, feed his addiction, and that's where he is, and he's content that way. Until he meets Omar.
Omar was raised by this drug dealing transsexual, who kept the drugs away from him growing up. The play starts after he leaves for New York City, finds drugs on his own, and he comes back into this transsexual's life. She thought she could save them.
John meets Omar, and all [John's] beliefs about drugs—that there are no friends, that feelings aren't real—are questioned. In Omar he finds friendship, a companion, and love. And Omar finds life through this drug that makes you so addicted that you forget about love and everything else. He doesn't understand that the drug is taking away his life.
There's a love story between Omar and John, and they sort of figure out, or they attempt to figure out, life in the midst of being addicted and the lies that come with being addicted.
A transsexual?
The transsexual is there to be the mother of it all, but is somebody who's lived a very painful life and has been through it all. People accept her craziness, but she has her own issues with addiction. Most of her craziness comes from drugs, but most people think it comes from the pain of being a male-to-female transsexual.
When I see or meet transsexuals, I think they have so much courage and strength to go through that kind of life. It's hard enough being gay, but to go out into the world every day and have people stare at you, and the insecurity of always asking, "Are people staring at me?" To have that kind of mother figure, gave me the strength and belief that I can do anything. But I also had to realize that this person that I thought was so strong also has weaknesses that she can't deal with.
How closely is the play aligned with your own experiences?
That's a very hard question. I lived with a transsexual who sold drugs. The one thing that she tried to instill is that you need to live your life regardless of drugs. If you can't live with the drugs, you'll have to live without them. Some things aren't real with drugs; the only thing that's real is how you feel about yourself. I tried to put that in the play.
I belong to this group of writers in New York. Every other week we put on 10-minute pieces; stories, monologues, et cetera. It's called "meditation of theme." I had a theme to put on and I wrote the part of the transsexual. That's the part I'll be doing on Wednesday at First Person Arts. I thought about this woman who was a part of my life and taught me a lot about life.
She told me things that were true, and did things that weren't nice that showed me the ways of the world. She was evil. She would tell me things, and if I didn't get it, she'd show me: if I had a boy over, she'd offer him drugs to show me he's more interested in drugs than me. It was her way of showing me that this is the reality of the situation.
Tell me about your experience with crystal meth.
It's all in the play, actually. In Philadelphia I lived for a period of time with a transsexual who was a crystal meth dealer. I met her through a boy I was seeing, who I'd do anything for. He used crystal meth, and introduced me to it, and I paid for his habit, his habit became my habit.
I had a modeling agency in New York, and I used all the time, people were concerned. One day I found myself in the bathtub pouring bleach on myself trying to get the bugs away. I left my condo, left my business, and lost everything because of my drug use. I went back to Philly to clean up.
I've been working on this script for the past six years. Every time I've gotten clean I've written about it, but by September I'd be using again. But this year I got clean for myself, and now I can put it on.
What was it that pushed you to stay clean?
The last two years of my addiction I didn't use that much. I isolated myself from people I used with. I only used when my body was craving so bad I couldn't stand it. I used when I wanted to die if I didn't.
My father called and told me that my brother had a baby—but it turned out that [the baby was born] three months before. I didn't know my brother was going to be a father, I didn't hear about the baby's birth, I had no idea. I was blaming everybody else because I wasn't a part of their lives, but at that moment I realized that I was the reason I wasn't part of their lives.
I think the baby sort of woke me up. I want to be a part of this newborn's life. When I talk to my brother, he talks about his daughter. It means a lot to me, being a gay man that wants to have children some day.
I want to have joy in my own life. Whatever pain and fears I have I have to face them and do the work that's necessary to survive. In the past I've stopped using because I had a boyfriend who didn't use and wanted me to stop. This time around I gave up my drug. I realize that I have no power over it, and I put my life in the hands of the universe.
Why are you taking on the issue of crystal meth use and abuse in the gay community? Right now, it's the number one drug in America. It's the one that we're fighting the most, it's the one that's paid for the most, it's the one that's used the most. It's been part of the gay community for a long time.
When I was 13 years old, I was kicked out of the house, living on South Street. I had friends who were using crystal meth who were 15, 18, 20, but I had no idea. When I lived with the transsexual, she had been selling crystal meth since the late 80s.
I don't know why it's as big as it is now, other than the drug is so addictive. It's so hard to get off of it. Scientifically coke and meth ignite that part of your brain that makes you feel love.
In the gay community, there's a group of people who are abandoned and rejected, and it's hard to learn how to love yourself when nobody else does. It is talked about so much now because so many people are affected by it. Not only are they affected by it, it leads people to have unsafe sex over a long period of time which has spiked the HIV numbers in our community. I worked as a counselor at the Mazzoni Center, and the number of kids who would be HIV positive was staggering; I guess now, the majority are crystal meth users.
What do you hope to accomplish with the play? For people who aren't in the gay community or people who are and don't understand the effects of meth, I want them to see that there's hope. That the people they love who are lost in it do still feel, and do still think about them.
It's part of life that people don't know exists: a world they don't know exists, a language that goes on that people haven't heard. [The play] opens your eyes to what's going on right beside you or underneath you, that is unhealthy, that we ignore, or turn a blind eye to, or just don't know.
Shareef's play Getting Your Life is up September 11 through September 13 at the William Way Center as part of the 2009 Philly Fringe. For more information on Shareef's work with Gladys Productions, visit their website.
--Nicholas Gilewicz
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Life in Recovery 6 month aniversary
Growing up as a "Gay Black Man in America" means that my adult hood has become my recovery. From my first memory I've had to deprogram myself from the thinking taught or absorbed from the people around me. It felt rebellious but I was compelled to rage against
the notion that "God hates Fags" (God=hate?)
that All children were molested and that's the way it will always be, (watch Oprah)(Things must change)
that families should keep secrets, (Secrets are lies that lead to death of ones soul)
that college is a necessity, (Library is free)
that Love is all you need, (and some Sense)
that parents should be listened to always (They rarely know what their doing)
In my journey I remember being in horrible situations or witnessing people including myself hurt others in the most devious ways and I would look up to the sky and around at mother nature and ask "Is this what life is about? Pain?"
The next step for me was to numb that pain with drugs. From ecstasy to cocaine, to crystal-meth.
And so I live my life in Recovery. Today it's been 6 months of sobriety. As I attempt to celebrate I feel the pain of my brothers and sisters in this human race who are suffering. I understand that the best thing I can do for them is to take care of myself. To actively show myself that I love myself.
It's funny that after reminding myself that I must be active about my love, a weight just lifted from my heart.
I am on a journey in this life of Recovery to be better, to live better, and to do better. And so I begin my day on this my 6th month mark living my life to the fullest. Being completely open to the universe and all that it has allowed me to be.
Love & Peace
To
the notion that "God hates Fags" (God=hate?)
that All children were molested and that's the way it will always be, (watch Oprah)(Things must change)
that families should keep secrets, (Secrets are lies that lead to death of ones soul)
that college is a necessity, (Library is free)
that Love is all you need, (and some Sense)
that parents should be listened to always (They rarely know what their doing)
In my journey I remember being in horrible situations or witnessing people including myself hurt others in the most devious ways and I would look up to the sky and around at mother nature and ask "Is this what life is about? Pain?"
The next step for me was to numb that pain with drugs. From ecstasy to cocaine, to crystal-meth.
And so I live my life in Recovery. Today it's been 6 months of sobriety. As I attempt to celebrate I feel the pain of my brothers and sisters in this human race who are suffering. I understand that the best thing I can do for them is to take care of myself. To actively show myself that I love myself.
It's funny that after reminding myself that I must be active about my love, a weight just lifted from my heart.
I am on a journey in this life of Recovery to be better, to live better, and to do better. And so I begin my day on this my 6th month mark living my life to the fullest. Being completely open to the universe and all that it has allowed me to be.
Love & Peace
To
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Getting it Done
Today July 8th 2009. I began the day with a home made smoothie, went to the gym and realized I had a couple hours left to write a play. I'm proud to say with one hour and fifteen minutes to spare I "Got it Done". But I still wonder with only eight pages to write how it could have taken all day.
Any other day I would wake up starring at the clock thinking of reasons I can't work out. I.e., my back hurts, I have to raise money for my play or I should write something new for my blog, but today those things I try not to put off were easy to accomplish because I had to write a play today. The fact that I was facing this deadline made it harder for me to sit and complete. And eight pages of dialogue isn't asking for much.
Knowing from past experience how daunting the pressure of deadlines are I canceled everything else I had scheduled and anything else that had stress and incorporated stress relievers like the gym and smoothies. These things helped me let some of that stress go. I felt little pressure taking one hour to write each page.
My goal was to make myself open to inspiration with minimal distraction while at the same time allowing myslelf time to answer text and emails. to take a two mile jog and get fresh air. focusing my quality time when I sat down on that one page with out my mind exploding with thoughts of my other undone task which I remember right now. So I'm going to pick one and do my best to
"Get It Done"
Peace & Love!
Shareef
Any other day I would wake up starring at the clock thinking of reasons I can't work out. I.e., my back hurts, I have to raise money for my play or I should write something new for my blog, but today those things I try not to put off were easy to accomplish because I had to write a play today. The fact that I was facing this deadline made it harder for me to sit and complete. And eight pages of dialogue isn't asking for much.
Knowing from past experience how daunting the pressure of deadlines are I canceled everything else I had scheduled and anything else that had stress and incorporated stress relievers like the gym and smoothies. These things helped me let some of that stress go. I felt little pressure taking one hour to write each page.
My goal was to make myself open to inspiration with minimal distraction while at the same time allowing myslelf time to answer text and emails. to take a two mile jog and get fresh air. focusing my quality time when I sat down on that one page with out my mind exploding with thoughts of my other undone task which I remember right now. So I'm going to pick one and do my best to
"Get It Done"
Peace & Love!
Shareef
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Truth will set you free!
Is withholding information that is not known about or ever asked for Lying? Even if you feel ashamed about what your keeping from the other person?
I was discussing with a friend of mine this question as it applies to "More than Friends" relationships. My friend believes that with holding information is not lying and I use to agree until I read the book, The Vevet Rage by Alan Downs PhD.
Information withheld is a lie, a secret is a lie. Actively taking time to not give information is working towards negativity. And this negativity will fester and grow and poison your relationship.
I have many secrets, things I have not told my partner. I think about them everyday. Some things we have discussed are ok not to talk about, like the sex we have with other people. But if he' asks I have always told the truth.
The subject of "Truth" is a big one for me. When thinking about starting a blog I thought most about my immediate friends and family and if my writing about my feelings that may have been set off from my relationships will upset them or harm them in anyway. My therapist says if it's helping me that's what I should consider first.
And I believe if it helps me than I should continue to blog with the honesty of the moment I'm typing. Letting you know that tomorrow after much thought and after getting it out to you. I may change my mind about things. I may have a revelation that makes me see my errors in judgment or my simple truths. I may be having a shared experience with some one else in the world who am letting know, you are not the only one. I may have just discovered my goal in that last sentence, my truth.
And yes I do feel a little bit freer
Peace & Love
I was discussing with a friend of mine this question as it applies to "More than Friends" relationships. My friend believes that with holding information is not lying and I use to agree until I read the book, The Vevet Rage by Alan Downs PhD.
Information withheld is a lie, a secret is a lie. Actively taking time to not give information is working towards negativity. And this negativity will fester and grow and poison your relationship.
I have many secrets, things I have not told my partner. I think about them everyday. Some things we have discussed are ok not to talk about, like the sex we have with other people. But if he' asks I have always told the truth.
The subject of "Truth" is a big one for me. When thinking about starting a blog I thought most about my immediate friends and family and if my writing about my feelings that may have been set off from my relationships will upset them or harm them in anyway. My therapist says if it's helping me that's what I should consider first.
And I believe if it helps me than I should continue to blog with the honesty of the moment I'm typing. Letting you know that tomorrow after much thought and after getting it out to you. I may change my mind about things. I may have a revelation that makes me see my errors in judgment or my simple truths. I may be having a shared experience with some one else in the world who am letting know, you are not the only one. I may have just discovered my goal in that last sentence, my truth.
And yes I do feel a little bit freer
Peace & Love
Thursday, June 25, 2009
What's Going On
As a writer my thought process for writing is mostly stimulated by what catches my eyes and ears and holds my attention for long enough to develop into strong feelings. Love seems to be the dominating theme in my life this year. The love for my family,I've spent every weekend in the past two months at with my father, the love for my friends, I'm hosting a dinner party where every one from Australia to Boston comes to my place for a bi-anual dinner party, and love for self, I'm drug free and committed to doing what I was born to do write.
We live in a world where I've found in my thirty-two years that love does conquer all. But this is only true when we love ourselves. I've spent years trying to love myself when for most of my life I was told I was not good enough by my parents who used God as their excuse to not give me the love I was worth. I searched for this love through sex, through work, and through very unhealthy behaviors like drugs. Today I am grateful that the God of my understanding has given me the sight to see my worth and the courage to actively show it. Not everyone is this lucky.
With the death of Michael Jackson I ask myself why is it to this day that the black community is so un-excepting of homosexuals to the point of death to the point of after death. Growing up gay in the time that Michael did with a father who beats all of those feminine qualities out of you, I can understand how you could loose your sexual identity in the harsh realities of the world you were brought up in. But when is enough enough?
We live in a world where I've found in my thirty-two years that love does conquer all. But this is only true when we love ourselves. I've spent years trying to love myself when for most of my life I was told I was not good enough by my parents who used God as their excuse to not give me the love I was worth. I searched for this love through sex, through work, and through very unhealthy behaviors like drugs. Today I am grateful that the God of my understanding has given me the sight to see my worth and the courage to actively show it. Not everyone is this lucky.
With the death of Michael Jackson I ask myself why is it to this day that the black community is so un-excepting of homosexuals to the point of death to the point of after death. Growing up gay in the time that Michael did with a father who beats all of those feminine qualities out of you, I can understand how you could loose your sexual identity in the harsh realities of the world you were brought up in. But when is enough enough?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Disclosure
Disclosure has become a big word in my life. As a Gay young child how could it not. At a very young age I was considered a sissy, a male with too many feminine attributes. I quickly learned how to hide my natural feminine instinctive personality traits. Some things you could just know about me by watching me for ten minutes. Not that I condone making assumptions but some times if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, girls even if he sticks it in hard he just might be a duck!
Now in my adult life this word "Disclosure" has taken on a whole new meaning. in college I worked in sex education going around to college campuses and clubs, and even bath houses spreading the word of how to use a condom and it's pros and cons. Provoking discussions about how to talk to your sex partner about Std's and HIV. I was regurgitating information that I still believe to be good information today but I was not speaking from experience. I was 20,21 years of age. I never asked a trick if he was positive before shoving my cock down his throat. I never went with a boyfriend to get tested before having a three to twenty four hour sex session. I did however use condoms never realizing that it was possible not to, until I didn't have one that is. I have only used condoms a handful of times after that.
I am confident that every sex partner that I have had sex with who is/was HIV positive let it be known most times in the first five seconds of an encounter. My job as a sex educator gave me a cloak of denial, and I'm still figuring out what that means to me so bear with me. I was an information giver, you know, these are the facts that we know help you contract the Virus like High Risk Activity!
Not using condoms and having intercourse, Having multiple sex partners, Those sex partners having HIV and not using condoms. Having seamon or bloood or Breast milk of some one else enter your body (And this is where my denial started)
" Shareef, I'm Positive!" They would say, and I'd respond,
"Well, since I'm the top, there's nothing to worry about. there's no seamon or blood or breast milk in your ass right!"
This type of dangerouse rationalization to give my self permission to recieve validation through sex (I know that's a big sentence but never the less true), led me through ten years and way over thousands of partners from Denver to New York, to London and beyond. For Ten years and multiple HIV negative test results I was free. I was able to have unprotected sex with who ever I wanted even HIV positive men and not get infected. This was great news to me.
On a trip back to the place I spent my teen years when I was in my mid twenties, I started hooking up with old friends. We'd meet for coffee or for dinner, or I'd just stop by to see how they'd grown up from teens to adults. One by one every single gay male friend that I talk to would disclose to me that they were HIV positive. They would tell me a story of drug use, (crystal -methanphetimine mostly) and unprotected sex with just about every guy that picked them up or that was in the building be it clubs, sex clubs or who ever was on the street and willing. I never put it together the drugs and the sex. I was passing the crystal meth pipe during the whole time they were telling me their stories. Some of them new that I wasn't experinced with the drug and would tell me to run as fast as I can, saying that this life of sex to drugs to HIV is not something I want or should have to deal with. This never registared to me. I didn't have to deal with what they had to deal with I was a top. I've been negative fro over 20 years after over a thousand partners there was no way I could be them.
Of course I thought about these friends constantly. It could happen to me I would think and I'm in to much pain to deal with it. So I did more drugs and i refused to get an HIV test for about two years after hearing the warnings from friends who have lived the life and were now dealing with the consequences. I the sex educater couldn't deal with the reality of sex. I was ashamed of being gay because I didn't have the acceptance of my family. I directed my anger through activism and volunteerism wanting so bad and trying so hard to give my self the love that I didn't get from my Parents. But the void was huge and Sex and drugs was what I used to fill it. HIV I decided I believed it was inevitable for me to get someday and that was that. I did however stop using drugs and having sex for two years after the tenth friends HIV disclosing story.
It would be five years, multiple negative HIV test results and two relationships before i went back to the sex and drugs void filling way of life though I did only have three regular sex partners instead of a didferent ass every three hours. One moring i recieved a call from one of these partners saying that He tested positive for syphlis and that I should be treated. So I went in and had blood drawn and was asked if I wanted to get an HIV test.
I couldn't imagine why I would need to. I mean I've fucked by now hundreds of thousands of guys since the age of 15 to my 30th year and I was done with validation through sex with multiple partners by this time. I realized that untill I actively show myelf that I love myself by ending my drug use and facing my pain, untill I am albe to give myself the authentic validation that I craved no one else could make me feel anything. Yet, i still told myself that if I wasn't positive by now there was no way I could be. I was informed that Syphilis was in blood and seamon and just like HIV is passed from person to peron this way.
"But I'm a top", I'm thinking but I let him swipe my mouth. and thirteen minutes later I was givien my positive results.
My "Denial Reflex Mode" went to high gear. It was like I didn't hear him. This wasn't happening I'm going to go to work and everything will be normal. I left the clinic and walked twenty New York blocks to work, and kept walking ten more blocks to the closest drug dealer and took a needle of crystal meth for the first time to my arm in an attempt to kill myself. Instead i was High as Fuck and the pain hell I was gone. For about six months I was part of the walking dead only coming out at night and focused on not feeling any pain and if we did we'd fuck and shoot the pain away.
Today. I am HIV positive Drug free and have only been in two sexual situations, and in both I've disclosed my status holding back tears. its been over two years since the day of my diagnosis, and very scary I might add. Scary because I was ignorant to what kind of life I had to live. My only experience with HIV was having a cousin who died with in a year of his diagnosis.
I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't talk to them with out crying. After 30 years they were talking to me again telling me the love me no matter what and I was no longer angry at them for my life. I had failed. I had flashbacks of my Mom and Dad screaming at me when I was thirteen,
"Your going to get AIDS if your gay, is that the life you want?"
No it isn't, it never was, but what does a 13 year old do with that. i didn't even know what AIDS was exept one of those words that went with sissy and gay during playground and step father teasing sessions.
But I had HIV and I was afraid of loosing their love again.
Disclosure.
To whom is it important to me to tell that I am HIV positive?
It feels like carring not just the world but the universe on my sholders. Will anyone love me again? Should I ever have sex again? What if I get sick? What if I die?
I told my mom and she displayed even more love. I haven't told my dad yet, hoping that he'd hear it from my mom even though they haven't been married to each other since I was three. I live with the pain of his Muslim heart being torn in two. And me being cut off from his love again. I think about my distant family not letting me hold their babies or not hugging me to say hello.
Sex was off limits for months. I get horny often times jerking off ten times in one session, then not for weeks. I don't think this is healthy but this is what I've been doing when "I get that feeling" untill I learn how to say before it goes any further "I'm HIV positive" Unill I get used to it, i may never get use to it. And so I publish my soul, not knowing if it's the right thing to do or not, but knowing it's how I feel it's where I am as I type with tears flowing. And I will survive!
Peace&Love
Now in my adult life this word "Disclosure" has taken on a whole new meaning. in college I worked in sex education going around to college campuses and clubs, and even bath houses spreading the word of how to use a condom and it's pros and cons. Provoking discussions about how to talk to your sex partner about Std's and HIV. I was regurgitating information that I still believe to be good information today but I was not speaking from experience. I was 20,21 years of age. I never asked a trick if he was positive before shoving my cock down his throat. I never went with a boyfriend to get tested before having a three to twenty four hour sex session. I did however use condoms never realizing that it was possible not to, until I didn't have one that is. I have only used condoms a handful of times after that.
I am confident that every sex partner that I have had sex with who is/was HIV positive let it be known most times in the first five seconds of an encounter. My job as a sex educator gave me a cloak of denial, and I'm still figuring out what that means to me so bear with me. I was an information giver, you know, these are the facts that we know help you contract the Virus like High Risk Activity!
Not using condoms and having intercourse, Having multiple sex partners, Those sex partners having HIV and not using condoms. Having seamon or bloood or Breast milk of some one else enter your body (And this is where my denial started)
" Shareef, I'm Positive!" They would say, and I'd respond,
"Well, since I'm the top, there's nothing to worry about. there's no seamon or blood or breast milk in your ass right!"
This type of dangerouse rationalization to give my self permission to recieve validation through sex (I know that's a big sentence but never the less true), led me through ten years and way over thousands of partners from Denver to New York, to London and beyond. For Ten years and multiple HIV negative test results I was free. I was able to have unprotected sex with who ever I wanted even HIV positive men and not get infected. This was great news to me.
On a trip back to the place I spent my teen years when I was in my mid twenties, I started hooking up with old friends. We'd meet for coffee or for dinner, or I'd just stop by to see how they'd grown up from teens to adults. One by one every single gay male friend that I talk to would disclose to me that they were HIV positive. They would tell me a story of drug use, (crystal -methanphetimine mostly) and unprotected sex with just about every guy that picked them up or that was in the building be it clubs, sex clubs or who ever was on the street and willing. I never put it together the drugs and the sex. I was passing the crystal meth pipe during the whole time they were telling me their stories. Some of them new that I wasn't experinced with the drug and would tell me to run as fast as I can, saying that this life of sex to drugs to HIV is not something I want or should have to deal with. This never registared to me. I didn't have to deal with what they had to deal with I was a top. I've been negative fro over 20 years after over a thousand partners there was no way I could be them.
Of course I thought about these friends constantly. It could happen to me I would think and I'm in to much pain to deal with it. So I did more drugs and i refused to get an HIV test for about two years after hearing the warnings from friends who have lived the life and were now dealing with the consequences. I the sex educater couldn't deal with the reality of sex. I was ashamed of being gay because I didn't have the acceptance of my family. I directed my anger through activism and volunteerism wanting so bad and trying so hard to give my self the love that I didn't get from my Parents. But the void was huge and Sex and drugs was what I used to fill it. HIV I decided I believed it was inevitable for me to get someday and that was that. I did however stop using drugs and having sex for two years after the tenth friends HIV disclosing story.
It would be five years, multiple negative HIV test results and two relationships before i went back to the sex and drugs void filling way of life though I did only have three regular sex partners instead of a didferent ass every three hours. One moring i recieved a call from one of these partners saying that He tested positive for syphlis and that I should be treated. So I went in and had blood drawn and was asked if I wanted to get an HIV test.
I couldn't imagine why I would need to. I mean I've fucked by now hundreds of thousands of guys since the age of 15 to my 30th year and I was done with validation through sex with multiple partners by this time. I realized that untill I actively show myelf that I love myself by ending my drug use and facing my pain, untill I am albe to give myself the authentic validation that I craved no one else could make me feel anything. Yet, i still told myself that if I wasn't positive by now there was no way I could be. I was informed that Syphilis was in blood and seamon and just like HIV is passed from person to peron this way.
"But I'm a top", I'm thinking but I let him swipe my mouth. and thirteen minutes later I was givien my positive results.
My "Denial Reflex Mode" went to high gear. It was like I didn't hear him. This wasn't happening I'm going to go to work and everything will be normal. I left the clinic and walked twenty New York blocks to work, and kept walking ten more blocks to the closest drug dealer and took a needle of crystal meth for the first time to my arm in an attempt to kill myself. Instead i was High as Fuck and the pain hell I was gone. For about six months I was part of the walking dead only coming out at night and focused on not feeling any pain and if we did we'd fuck and shoot the pain away.
Today. I am HIV positive Drug free and have only been in two sexual situations, and in both I've disclosed my status holding back tears. its been over two years since the day of my diagnosis, and very scary I might add. Scary because I was ignorant to what kind of life I had to live. My only experience with HIV was having a cousin who died with in a year of his diagnosis.
I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't talk to them with out crying. After 30 years they were talking to me again telling me the love me no matter what and I was no longer angry at them for my life. I had failed. I had flashbacks of my Mom and Dad screaming at me when I was thirteen,
"Your going to get AIDS if your gay, is that the life you want?"
No it isn't, it never was, but what does a 13 year old do with that. i didn't even know what AIDS was exept one of those words that went with sissy and gay during playground and step father teasing sessions.
But I had HIV and I was afraid of loosing their love again.
Disclosure.
To whom is it important to me to tell that I am HIV positive?
It feels like carring not just the world but the universe on my sholders. Will anyone love me again? Should I ever have sex again? What if I get sick? What if I die?
I told my mom and she displayed even more love. I haven't told my dad yet, hoping that he'd hear it from my mom even though they haven't been married to each other since I was three. I live with the pain of his Muslim heart being torn in two. And me being cut off from his love again. I think about my distant family not letting me hold their babies or not hugging me to say hello.
Sex was off limits for months. I get horny often times jerking off ten times in one session, then not for weeks. I don't think this is healthy but this is what I've been doing when "I get that feeling" untill I learn how to say before it goes any further "I'm HIV positive" Unill I get used to it, i may never get use to it. And so I publish my soul, not knowing if it's the right thing to do or not, but knowing it's how I feel it's where I am as I type with tears flowing. And I will survive!
Peace&Love
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Desire
Today i felt the desire to live, to want, to want a life with better choices, better surroundings, more love and more understanding. Today I felt the need to upgrade every area of my life.
This desire is of everything from the way I look for love to the neighborhood I want to live in, to the furniture I'd like to own, to the friends who's energy would be most positive in my presences.
For the past ten years I have lived a life searching for myself and finally "I find me" All the negative ways to get here is how I lost myself or was blind to the person inside of me.
I've always wanted to feel that passion for life again that purpose of self again. And I felt it strong today.
Today I was in the space where my words will be spoken from the mouths of great Actors. Today I realized that I can be something better than I have chosen to be in the past. I want this to be true in every aspect of my life. So I challenge myself today to be honest about my feelings and not apologize for them. To know the difference between what I know, what I think and what I feel and leave the rest up to God and the universe!
This desire is of everything from the way I look for love to the neighborhood I want to live in, to the furniture I'd like to own, to the friends who's energy would be most positive in my presences.
For the past ten years I have lived a life searching for myself and finally "I find me" All the negative ways to get here is how I lost myself or was blind to the person inside of me.
I've always wanted to feel that passion for life again that purpose of self again. And I felt it strong today.
Today I was in the space where my words will be spoken from the mouths of great Actors. Today I realized that I can be something better than I have chosen to be in the past. I want this to be true in every aspect of my life. So I challenge myself today to be honest about my feelings and not apologize for them. To know the difference between what I know, what I think and what I feel and leave the rest up to God and the universe!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I had a boyfriend once
I had a boyfriend once! he was 24 and I 29. This meant nothing to me untill I started noticing common threads between him and the 24/25 year olds I dated in the past. I was attracted to his ability to talk about how he felt and though it seemed this came with ease and that it was honesty at it's best, I soon came to realize it was just talk.
If anything I've learned in life it is that the way one describes them selves to you is the very opposite of the experience you will have with them. The sentences that start out with:
" I live like this...." or "I dont do this..."
these are just examples of the person they wish to be, the person they see themselves as, and in some cases the person they want to run too when living in denial of who they really are.
I have a curse! The curse of making anyone I'm with feel like they are the only one! This can make one feel special in the beginning of a relationship with me, but have the Glenn Close (clingy and obsessive) affect when the reality sets in that you still don't know me and you wonder if your all I think about. This is where the destruction begins.
On the one hand I think to myself; what an ego to think that everything I do is about you. Or any communication that we have means that i can't breath with out you.
On the other I realize this can make one feel caged even when I say words like:
"Do what ever makes you happy" or "You are free to fuck who ever you want you are your own person" and "When your with me your with me, and if you want to be elsewhere than be elsewhere" (Its really a waist of time to just be with a person cause your afraid to hurt their feelings)
But the reality of the situation is, no matter what contract I set with a 24/25 year old in my 100 experiences they always agreed to live free and take it slow but their actions were panic, and scared and they couldn't handle having feelings for me and being ok with sleeping with other people without thinking about how it would affect me.
Maybe I was giving them a relationship and calling it a friendship. Honestly I do want to be the only guy. I mean who doesn't but i dont expect that right off the back. I'm willing to work for it, to court it, to show you why I am the best choice in a lover, to give you the freedom to test everyone else in the world (respectfully, safely and there is a limit they can always show me that i'm worth more than their companionship) and one day the conversation about "us" and our contract(or lack there of) will organically be revealed.
This is not a complaint or a judgment but rather an observation based on over 100 case studies (relationships)
One thing that I would always forget when in the middle of a new "thang" with a guy this age is. The life experience of having been that age and the knowledge of the thought process they go through and knowing when they feel uncomfortable, or when they do what they don't want to do to not hurt my feelings (they say, yet it seems to by more guilt and less about me).
I just want to tell them it's ok to be yourself and respect me but dont think your protecting me by lieing.
I know today that weather your 25, 15, or 35, we all have our on process to live, our own paths to work through. And it's about that personal journey and making decisions to the best of your ablility with the life experience that you have. My past relationships and how I perceive them or deny them is not really important. What is important is that I know
"Its not about me."
So, I must let it go!
So I do
Love Peace and Blessings!
If anything I've learned in life it is that the way one describes them selves to you is the very opposite of the experience you will have with them. The sentences that start out with:
" I live like this...." or "I dont do this..."
these are just examples of the person they wish to be, the person they see themselves as, and in some cases the person they want to run too when living in denial of who they really are.
I have a curse! The curse of making anyone I'm with feel like they are the only one! This can make one feel special in the beginning of a relationship with me, but have the Glenn Close (clingy and obsessive) affect when the reality sets in that you still don't know me and you wonder if your all I think about. This is where the destruction begins.
On the one hand I think to myself; what an ego to think that everything I do is about you. Or any communication that we have means that i can't breath with out you.
On the other I realize this can make one feel caged even when I say words like:
"Do what ever makes you happy" or "You are free to fuck who ever you want you are your own person" and "When your with me your with me, and if you want to be elsewhere than be elsewhere" (Its really a waist of time to just be with a person cause your afraid to hurt their feelings)
But the reality of the situation is, no matter what contract I set with a 24/25 year old in my 100 experiences they always agreed to live free and take it slow but their actions were panic, and scared and they couldn't handle having feelings for me and being ok with sleeping with other people without thinking about how it would affect me.
Maybe I was giving them a relationship and calling it a friendship. Honestly I do want to be the only guy. I mean who doesn't but i dont expect that right off the back. I'm willing to work for it, to court it, to show you why I am the best choice in a lover, to give you the freedom to test everyone else in the world (respectfully, safely and there is a limit they can always show me that i'm worth more than their companionship) and one day the conversation about "us" and our contract(or lack there of) will organically be revealed.
This is not a complaint or a judgment but rather an observation based on over 100 case studies (relationships)
One thing that I would always forget when in the middle of a new "thang" with a guy this age is. The life experience of having been that age and the knowledge of the thought process they go through and knowing when they feel uncomfortable, or when they do what they don't want to do to not hurt my feelings (they say, yet it seems to by more guilt and less about me).
I just want to tell them it's ok to be yourself and respect me but dont think your protecting me by lieing.
I know today that weather your 25, 15, or 35, we all have our on process to live, our own paths to work through. And it's about that personal journey and making decisions to the best of your ablility with the life experience that you have. My past relationships and how I perceive them or deny them is not really important. What is important is that I know
"Its not about me."
So, I must let it go!
So I do
Love Peace and Blessings!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Life at this Moment
Today I woke up and the world inside me was spinning. I found myself running and running. I was running so fast in my dream that i ran out of it and when my eyes opened to the morning sun my thoughts were at warp speed. This week I've been drug-free for 115 days. I've been attempting new friendships that remind me of what life was like before bit the forbidden fruit. I'm getting more than just a reminder. I'm feeling the good the bad and the ugly residue of the life I let before 115 days ago.
I started the week with my father's birthday. Now this was very important to me because for the pas two years My family wasn't the slightest bit on my radar and hardly before that. I was living on my own by the age of 15. But this year I didn't want a week to go by without saying hello. In my thirty two years I've never seen my Dad on his birthday. So I got up at 6am and traveled three states to say Happy Birthday. I just wanted to be active about my love. with in the same amount of time a hospital in the same town was closing the eyelids forever of my Gay uncle who like me shut out his family. Who like me had a vice that leads to death. Who like me knew that it could kill him and couldn't get past the pain, couldn't get to the other side of survival. Though I like to say he survived the best way he knew how.
I didn't realize how much this effected me. These parallels in our lives my Uncle and I. I've only talk to him Three times in my life once for every decade I've been alive. I had a million questions. Like what happen then for him to choose the life he led. I knew this question would never be answered verbally, and that I could answer it myself with my life experiences. But he came before the gay brother to my grandmother. The only example of myself that I knew about in my family. The one to be proud of for taking all the hits of discrimination in our on family to better prepare them to love me. And now he's gone. And I'm not ok. That was just Sunday. The first day of the week.
Tuesday I'm freaking out and I don't know why. My thoughts run and hide in a new friendship that has come to mean a lot to me. Tuesday night I think, say, feel a thousand negative thoughts that I attributedto things mostly not based in reality. And have less to do with my friend than the morning and fear growing inside me. My friend and I attempt to have a discussion and I have no words I understood nothing out of his mouth and then I respond in freak-out speak.
And now at this moment as I am typing I realize that This is about Loss. The Loss of life, the loss of hope. I lost my childhood I lost my family I lost myself and I am afraid of loosing friends, family, and myself again so much that this week its freaking me out. And I help. I've set up a support system very strong. But they can't stop the pain.
Wednesday, I get the news that a friend who I was very close to died of pneumonia. He to left his family and was an addict and this helped with the quickness of his death.
This morning I felt the death of my uncle, I felt the death of my friend. I feel the fear of loosing myself and It Hurts. And I choose to not let them die in vein in my life. I will remind myself of their life lessons and I will not repeat their mistakes to the best of my ability with the help of Almighty God. And I will get through, work through and breath through the grief. I choose to live today, with the pain in my heart that time will ease, with the tears running down my face. With the loss of friends past and future I will survive today!
Love, Peace and Blessings! (Live long and prosper)
I started the week with my father's birthday. Now this was very important to me because for the pas two years My family wasn't the slightest bit on my radar and hardly before that. I was living on my own by the age of 15. But this year I didn't want a week to go by without saying hello. In my thirty two years I've never seen my Dad on his birthday. So I got up at 6am and traveled three states to say Happy Birthday. I just wanted to be active about my love. with in the same amount of time a hospital in the same town was closing the eyelids forever of my Gay uncle who like me shut out his family. Who like me had a vice that leads to death. Who like me knew that it could kill him and couldn't get past the pain, couldn't get to the other side of survival. Though I like to say he survived the best way he knew how.
I didn't realize how much this effected me. These parallels in our lives my Uncle and I. I've only talk to him Three times in my life once for every decade I've been alive. I had a million questions. Like what happen then for him to choose the life he led. I knew this question would never be answered verbally, and that I could answer it myself with my life experiences. But he came before the gay brother to my grandmother. The only example of myself that I knew about in my family. The one to be proud of for taking all the hits of discrimination in our on family to better prepare them to love me. And now he's gone. And I'm not ok. That was just Sunday. The first day of the week.
Tuesday I'm freaking out and I don't know why. My thoughts run and hide in a new friendship that has come to mean a lot to me. Tuesday night I think, say, feel a thousand negative thoughts that I attributedto things mostly not based in reality. And have less to do with my friend than the morning and fear growing inside me. My friend and I attempt to have a discussion and I have no words I understood nothing out of his mouth and then I respond in freak-out speak.
And now at this moment as I am typing I realize that This is about Loss. The Loss of life, the loss of hope. I lost my childhood I lost my family I lost myself and I am afraid of loosing friends, family, and myself again so much that this week its freaking me out. And I help. I've set up a support system very strong. But they can't stop the pain.
Wednesday, I get the news that a friend who I was very close to died of pneumonia. He to left his family and was an addict and this helped with the quickness of his death.
This morning I felt the death of my uncle, I felt the death of my friend. I feel the fear of loosing myself and It Hurts. And I choose to not let them die in vein in my life. I will remind myself of their life lessons and I will not repeat their mistakes to the best of my ability with the help of Almighty God. And I will get through, work through and breath through the grief. I choose to live today, with the pain in my heart that time will ease, with the tears running down my face. With the loss of friends past and future I will survive today!
Love, Peace and Blessings! (Live long and prosper)
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