As i sit on the computer of my Thanksgiving Day Dinner Host (without having asked I might add) I'm thankful that
a. I haven't been caught and yelled at (though as long as I stay off Facebook I think all should be fine.)
b. that now that I have been caught I haven't been kicked off
c. That gays still can make laugh more than cry
d. That a really great friend was able to join me for this "Family" event
Moving on...
I'm Thankful and Grateful for my Life, and my families, both families of choice and families of origin.
I'm Thankful that for the gift of love and passion and the desire to share these things with the world.
But most of all I'm thank full for my higher power, the energy that flows through me to you, that guides me to a net when I fall that has given me the will to live and survive all that life brings.
I wish you love peace and pore cloggless hair grease!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!
Daniel Juva, Jeremy Wynn, Scott Rowan, Tyler Clemente!
Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!
My first breath of the day was light and the air flowing through my lungs had smooth travel and I felt happy to be alive.
My second breath of the day after opening my eyes from a nights sleep I felt my heart sink and my lungs contract as memory of the life I've chosen to live came flooding back like a tsunami surging through my mind and flooding my heart with sadness.
Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be alive but as in every natural disaster there are those of us who don't make it.
Their are those of us who look next to ourselves and the people that were beside us before the storm have vanished with out warning or so we tell ourselves.
You called me from 34th St Penn Station to ask me if it was ok to come to my house
to love me and show me how you loved me.
And it was that love that you turned for that your life churned for.
It was this love that was void from your life left solid ice hearted wholes while whole hearted you said to me I want a boy
Friend is what I needed especially when confronted by the youth and brains the beauty only God could bestow and gift me with the presence
Brought you from your mothers whom to me through New Brunswick New Jersey
through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station.
Not only on the phone did you beg and plead that I be there be the one you need
To hold you console you, to help take the pain of life away if only for those ten minutes
instigated by naked thrust and fearful pounding hate with the hammer between my legs
nailing the pain of self hate and the ounce of love we had from our worlds deeper and deeper inside you as if love feeling love could only happen when we reach the bottom of our pit in life.
Our pit in life is bottomless!
Bottomless pit
Yet still we throw ourselves at each other at any brother willing to fill that void that the trillions before never seemed to
though not for lack of trying life denying that we were worth trying to figure out for ourselves our personal wealth that till your dying breath seemed non existent.
"Shareef I hope you don't think I'm stalking you I just really had a great time with you
and I don't want to be Alone and I don't want to keep
shoot fuck stabbing numbing smoking chucking Toilet life worthless living in the gutter that I was bullied thrust ed disgusted with self leads me to use and abuse and never learned self love just to shove it inside in every home hole and creves to be born yet never live I need you or the thought of the you to save me from myself please Shareef take the subway to Penn Station meet me at the train cause if I try to cone to you I may not make it, for I was born with an empty tank no love felt filled
No love felt
filled
But I'll take what I can get what I can disguise as love masqueraded as self worth paraded as pride what I only know
will hide me from the natural disaster that has brought me from my mothers whom to you through New Brunswick New Jersey through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station
Taken me through the tunnels of
My mind to the rats who's life was never enough for themselves yet I throw myself freely at every rat that comes along for that one second that I feel.
"he loves me, I'm worth it"
For just one second that rat who defiled me treats me like a broken Rolex tossed in the gutter abandoned by it's owner who once thought it to be the most precious thing to poses.
Brought me to you and Shareef you are not here though to me it was never clear that you to were drowning in life in search of the love at the bottom of your pit Bottomless
You to would love yourself with any rat in the sewer that would feed on you and they would feed on you until you were unrecognizable skinny un-pretty cracked chained and broken unable to give me or them the love you gave up on giving yourself
Shareef you gave up.
Gave up!
So I sit here now with the love In a syringe and a bottle of morphine taking a clue from you but mostly from myself that if I want to get to the bottom there's only one way to get there
My second to last breath of the day I felt pain I felt worthless I felt insane I felt love. Love you all those I leave behind who will forever keep trying to let me know that I had the love I could never feel myself
My last breath I feel calm at peace as I for the first time know that the love In the syringe could never be enough and I swallow myself into the pit to be with love forever and ever
Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!
My first breath of the day was light and the air flowing through my lungs had smooth travel and I felt happy to be alive.
My second breath of the day after opening my eyes from a nights sleep I felt my heart sink and my lungs contract as memory of the life I've chosen to live came flooding back like a tsunami surging through my mind and flooding my heart with sadness.
Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be alive but as in every natural disaster there are those of us who don't make it.
Their are those of us who look next to ourselves and the people that were beside us before the storm have vanished with out warning or so we tell ourselves.
You called me from 34th St Penn Station to ask me if it was ok to come to my house
to love me and show me how you loved me.
And it was that love that you turned for that your life churned for.
It was this love that was void from your life left solid ice hearted wholes while whole hearted you said to me I want a boy
Friend is what I needed especially when confronted by the youth and brains the beauty only God could bestow and gift me with the presence
Brought you from your mothers whom to me through New Brunswick New Jersey
through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station.
Not only on the phone did you beg and plead that I be there be the one you need
To hold you console you, to help take the pain of life away if only for those ten minutes
instigated by naked thrust and fearful pounding hate with the hammer between my legs
nailing the pain of self hate and the ounce of love we had from our worlds deeper and deeper inside you as if love feeling love could only happen when we reach the bottom of our pit in life.
Our pit in life is bottomless!
Bottomless pit
Yet still we throw ourselves at each other at any brother willing to fill that void that the trillions before never seemed to
though not for lack of trying life denying that we were worth trying to figure out for ourselves our personal wealth that till your dying breath seemed non existent.
"Shareef I hope you don't think I'm stalking you I just really had a great time with you
and I don't want to be Alone and I don't want to keep
shoot fuck stabbing numbing smoking chucking Toilet life worthless living in the gutter that I was bullied thrust ed disgusted with self leads me to use and abuse and never learned self love just to shove it inside in every home hole and creves to be born yet never live I need you or the thought of the you to save me from myself please Shareef take the subway to Penn Station meet me at the train cause if I try to cone to you I may not make it, for I was born with an empty tank no love felt filled
No love felt
filled
But I'll take what I can get what I can disguise as love masqueraded as self worth paraded as pride what I only know
will hide me from the natural disaster that has brought me from my mothers whom to you through New Brunswick New Jersey through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station
Taken me through the tunnels of
My mind to the rats who's life was never enough for themselves yet I throw myself freely at every rat that comes along for that one second that I feel.
"he loves me, I'm worth it"
For just one second that rat who defiled me treats me like a broken Rolex tossed in the gutter abandoned by it's owner who once thought it to be the most precious thing to poses.
Brought me to you and Shareef you are not here though to me it was never clear that you to were drowning in life in search of the love at the bottom of your pit Bottomless
You to would love yourself with any rat in the sewer that would feed on you and they would feed on you until you were unrecognizable skinny un-pretty cracked chained and broken unable to give me or them the love you gave up on giving yourself
Shareef you gave up.
Gave up!
So I sit here now with the love In a syringe and a bottle of morphine taking a clue from you but mostly from myself that if I want to get to the bottom there's only one way to get there
My second to last breath of the day I felt pain I felt worthless I felt insane I felt love. Love you all those I leave behind who will forever keep trying to let me know that I had the love I could never feel myself
My last breath I feel calm at peace as I for the first time know that the love In the syringe could never be enough and I swallow myself into the pit to be with love forever and ever
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
When your child doesn't want to (BLANK) Anymore! AGAIN! or Discipline
I was recently having a conversation with a mother about her son's seventh or eighth activity that he is getting tired of doing because it's become less fun and more work. Her son is no interested in something new that he hasn't tried yet.
This reminded me of an episode of the Cosby Show where Vanessa wanted to play an instrument after Clair and Heathcliff spent time and money on
Dance lessons and she quit
Guitar lessons and she quit
clarinet lessons and she quit
in the end they told her this was the last time she would have to practice and be disciplined
During this conversation we both agreed that it is good to foster a kids curiosities while they try and learn and decide what best fits them, but after our conversation I wondered:
Isn't discipline trying something and seeing it through?
Should discipline be taught and where do we learn it from?
The willingness for parents to foster a child's flakiness speaks to the way the parents were raised.
But rarely do I perceive Parents asking themselves:
Do I want a child to learn how to have a goal and do what it takes to make that Goal come true?
Or
Do I want a child that grows up like me and dares to dream at a young age yet is never taught or shown or given the skills to make that dream come true?
I here the parents around me wanting to have birthed the next Micheal Jordan, or Mos Def, or Muckuly Culkan, or Serena Williams, or Bill Gates even but with out realizing that they had parents who held them up when they felt like quitting and reminded them of their strengths in their fields when they wanted to give up.
Are you willing to settle for a child who grows up and lives the "Coulda Woulda Shoulda life" or that learns early in life:
Strong work ethic
Punctuality
Thank you letters
Discipline?
just something to think about when your throwing out the soccer ball that hasn't been kicked in two years, or the Karate outfit that cant be passed down or the trombone that has become a coat hanger.
Love ya much
This reminded me of an episode of the Cosby Show where Vanessa wanted to play an instrument after Clair and Heathcliff spent time and money on
Dance lessons and she quit
Guitar lessons and she quit
clarinet lessons and she quit
in the end they told her this was the last time she would have to practice and be disciplined
During this conversation we both agreed that it is good to foster a kids curiosities while they try and learn and decide what best fits them, but after our conversation I wondered:
Isn't discipline trying something and seeing it through?
Should discipline be taught and where do we learn it from?
The willingness for parents to foster a child's flakiness speaks to the way the parents were raised.
But rarely do I perceive Parents asking themselves:
Do I want a child to learn how to have a goal and do what it takes to make that Goal come true?
Or
Do I want a child that grows up like me and dares to dream at a young age yet is never taught or shown or given the skills to make that dream come true?
I here the parents around me wanting to have birthed the next Micheal Jordan, or Mos Def, or Muckuly Culkan, or Serena Williams, or Bill Gates even but with out realizing that they had parents who held them up when they felt like quitting and reminded them of their strengths in their fields when they wanted to give up.
Are you willing to settle for a child who grows up and lives the "Coulda Woulda Shoulda life" or that learns early in life:
Strong work ethic
Punctuality
Thank you letters
Discipline?
just something to think about when your throwing out the soccer ball that hasn't been kicked in two years, or the Karate outfit that cant be passed down or the trombone that has become a coat hanger.
Love ya much
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"Forever" is just a Fantasy ?
I still hold on the the fantasy of "Forever" when my perception of reality is that life is a Day at a time process of commitments.
How does this affect society's "IDEAL" of marriage?
When entering into a relationship do we live in the fantasy or pledge to try?
Sunday Night October 31st episode of Brothers and Sisters was profound!
If you haven't seen it you should (nbc.com, ch131.com)!
It shows a couple who are married and are gay going through the trials of life that affect every human being regardless of what civil/religious liberties this country offers them.
Brilliant!
It also shows a women who when telling her child she was going to Marry her boyfriend was asked how long they were going to be married, and she was alarmed at this.
My personal opinion is that when your mind enters into the place where your heart takes you, It is best to ask yourself,
ESPECIALLY BEFORE YOU SAY I DO
:
1.Do I love this person whole heatedly with out fear or judgment?
2. What are my deal breakers in this relationship and do I love this person enough to work through them before we get married?
3. Have I sat down with this person and made a verbal contract/interview of what you think you want and actively listened to what they want and are you willing to give it to them even at times where you don't feel like it?
At this moment I am doing extensive work on myself so I am abstaining from active pursuit of those who give me
Butterflies Inside (M.J., RIP)
In my last two experiments (relationships) my intent was to be open and honest and to learn about my partner with out judging or putting stipulations or expectations.
In one relationship I coupled a person who never heard of anyone being open and honest and not
creating DRAMA
when something goes wrong.
In the other I had a willing participant to try and see what happens.
What I learned:
Every one comes with their own baggage and when entering into a relationship you have to check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure that your not overwhelmed with
1. Your own
2. Your Partners
3. The baggage you create together
Forever to me is until you both loose the strength to carry on.
From my last experience I gave up and I was in denial about it. I was holding on to something and working so hard to keep it that I neglected to work on my self at all.
And working on one self is the
Reality of Forever!
No for the marriage part. This concept of entering into a contract is romantic and beautiful but ask yourself Have I been here before?
And what happen and what was my part in it?
My Perception of others relationships (Including my own) is that it is hard for us to look past the pain of the end of the affair to the healing and moving forward. We are so use to cutting off the thought and memory of what did work for fear of the feelings that came from what didn't work
and we rarely acknowledge our roles in the good and bad nor are we willing to listen to exes about their perception of our part in the good or the bad
and if we did
if we were able to hear and actively listen to how our partner perceives our actions to be
would have an idea of who we are
In a relationship and compare it to who we want to be
and figure out how to get there.
Then we can commit to today
Love Ya much
How does this affect society's "IDEAL" of marriage?
When entering into a relationship do we live in the fantasy or pledge to try?
Sunday Night October 31st episode of Brothers and Sisters was profound!
If you haven't seen it you should (nbc.com, ch131.com)!
It shows a couple who are married and are gay going through the trials of life that affect every human being regardless of what civil/religious liberties this country offers them.
Brilliant!
It also shows a women who when telling her child she was going to Marry her boyfriend was asked how long they were going to be married, and she was alarmed at this.
My personal opinion is that when your mind enters into the place where your heart takes you, It is best to ask yourself,
ESPECIALLY BEFORE YOU SAY I DO
:
1.Do I love this person whole heatedly with out fear or judgment?
2. What are my deal breakers in this relationship and do I love this person enough to work through them before we get married?
3. Have I sat down with this person and made a verbal contract/interview of what you think you want and actively listened to what they want and are you willing to give it to them even at times where you don't feel like it?
At this moment I am doing extensive work on myself so I am abstaining from active pursuit of those who give me
Butterflies Inside (M.J., RIP)
In my last two experiments (relationships) my intent was to be open and honest and to learn about my partner with out judging or putting stipulations or expectations.
In one relationship I coupled a person who never heard of anyone being open and honest and not
creating DRAMA
when something goes wrong.
In the other I had a willing participant to try and see what happens.
What I learned:
Every one comes with their own baggage and when entering into a relationship you have to check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure that your not overwhelmed with
1. Your own
2. Your Partners
3. The baggage you create together
Forever to me is until you both loose the strength to carry on.
From my last experience I gave up and I was in denial about it. I was holding on to something and working so hard to keep it that I neglected to work on my self at all.
And working on one self is the
Reality of Forever!
No for the marriage part. This concept of entering into a contract is romantic and beautiful but ask yourself Have I been here before?
And what happen and what was my part in it?
My Perception of others relationships (Including my own) is that it is hard for us to look past the pain of the end of the affair to the healing and moving forward. We are so use to cutting off the thought and memory of what did work for fear of the feelings that came from what didn't work
and we rarely acknowledge our roles in the good and bad nor are we willing to listen to exes about their perception of our part in the good or the bad
and if we did
if we were able to hear and actively listen to how our partner perceives our actions to be
would have an idea of who we are
In a relationship and compare it to who we want to be
and figure out how to get there.
Then we can commit to today
Love Ya much
Monday, November 1, 2010
Relapse!!!!!!?
This morning I answered the door and My overly attractive Ecuadorian/American Ex roommate was standing in front of me looking as hot as ever. He walked in and took off his coat and his body drew saliva from my mouth. There was something about him that heightened my senses each and every one, like a double fudge brownie just out of the oven.
To Good To Be True?
He sat down in front me and pulled out...
DRUGS!
My heart raced my head sinned my mouth shouted
NOOOOOOO!
My body ached and Shaked and went out of control
I was fighting and I was loosing I was tempted with things that looked good on the outside,
but I know where the movie ends
and I usually get to that horrible place in less than 20 minutes
When every thing I have gets destroyed
But I was compelled to slam my self into the depths of hell
and then I started jumping quaking trying to make my body stop reaching for what it was use to
to try to make my body forget this feeling
I jumped soooooooo High that I crashed into my mattress
I woke up in a dark room only to realize it was
just a dream but I didn't know for sure. I was crying and scared and I got dressed and went straight to a 745am meeting.
This was my first using dream in a year. It was totally unexpected totally to real and totally telling of how cunning and crazy addiction can be.
In other news somewhat simular
We Get to Decide Our Future Tomorrow!
It is of the most importance that we vote to not
Relapse
DO NOT RELAPSE TO THE BUSH REPUBLICANS
But more importantly VOTE !
for some reason This country is easily persuaded by lies and money and we are on this wave of electing people that have
No experience,
No Education
No Sense
and No Answers to their complaints of whats wrong with (Obama) as appose to(the Country)
We seem poised for a relapse to put in congress the ideas that have made the richer more rich and the poor very poor.
I live in a state where to leave the house everday cost over $11.
I live in a country that is in dept to a country who hasn't deployed it's army since WWII and yet they are on the road to becoming the richest most powerful country in the world (China)
If we spent as much money on education that we do on Fighting ghost .........
Share the wealth!
Here is the point:
You dont have to vote for the asses of the long nosed nut eaters
their are other candidates
Its time we google, facebook, bing every candidate go to their head quarters check out things like
what legislation have they proposed since being in office?
What is their voting record?
and vote responsibly
you might like some one you never even thought about
This way if you are one who decides to send our country to relapse to the policies that brought us to this depression you would have made an educated vote that I can believe in.
Love ya much!
To Good To Be True?
He sat down in front me and pulled out...
DRUGS!
My heart raced my head sinned my mouth shouted
NOOOOOOO!
My body ached and Shaked and went out of control
I was fighting and I was loosing I was tempted with things that looked good on the outside,
but I know where the movie ends
and I usually get to that horrible place in less than 20 minutes
When every thing I have gets destroyed
But I was compelled to slam my self into the depths of hell
and then I started jumping quaking trying to make my body stop reaching for what it was use to
to try to make my body forget this feeling
I jumped soooooooo High that I crashed into my mattress
I woke up in a dark room only to realize it was
just a dream but I didn't know for sure. I was crying and scared and I got dressed and went straight to a 745am meeting.
This was my first using dream in a year. It was totally unexpected totally to real and totally telling of how cunning and crazy addiction can be.
In other news somewhat simular
We Get to Decide Our Future Tomorrow!
It is of the most importance that we vote to not
Relapse
DO NOT RELAPSE TO THE BUSH REPUBLICANS
But more importantly VOTE !
for some reason This country is easily persuaded by lies and money and we are on this wave of electing people that have
No experience,
No Education
No Sense
and No Answers to their complaints of whats wrong with (Obama) as appose to(the Country)
We seem poised for a relapse to put in congress the ideas that have made the richer more rich and the poor very poor.
I live in a state where to leave the house everday cost over $11.
I live in a country that is in dept to a country who hasn't deployed it's army since WWII and yet they are on the road to becoming the richest most powerful country in the world (China)
If we spent as much money on education that we do on Fighting ghost .........
Share the wealth!
Here is the point:
You dont have to vote for the asses of the long nosed nut eaters
their are other candidates
Its time we google, facebook, bing every candidate go to their head quarters check out things like
what legislation have they proposed since being in office?
What is their voting record?
and vote responsibly
you might like some one you never even thought about
This way if you are one who decides to send our country to relapse to the policies that brought us to this depression you would have made an educated vote that I can believe in.
Love ya much!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
SCARY!!!!!
As this long Halloween weekend approaches I sit hear thinking of things that I'm scared of like stepping in
poop
when it is raining outside and not noticing until I"m with a large group of people.
But other things came to mind.
It scares me to live in a world that is so sick with greed and selfishness and hate that we are lied to as young kids as if it were to protect us.
It scares me to know that there is some kid out their being bullied by a future self identifying homosexual because of both were taught to hate themselves
It scares me to know that China owns most of the world including the country we live in.
(Where do you thing we get the money from to have a Trillion Dollar Debt)
It scares me when I hear people complain about paying taxes and at the same time complain about roads, and services, and unemployment checks running out and the lack of funding for education yet they want the money to come from thin air.
Who Pays For IT?
Obama is starting to scare me a little but The Power hungry wanna be Kandidate Kings Krapublicans
and the Tea party is NOT THE WAY to go!!
It scares me that I may never find a woman who is willing to go through life with me fathering her child.
It scares me that I forget that I'm HIV positive and there are young kids as young as 13 year old and younger who right at this moment are having unprotected sex with some one who is positive.
But all this is what drives me to live and do everything I can to make my world and the world of those I love (especially those who read this blog).
In other news, I have yet to be invited to a Halloween party???????
poop
when it is raining outside and not noticing until I"m with a large group of people.
But other things came to mind.
It scares me to live in a world that is so sick with greed and selfishness and hate that we are lied to as young kids as if it were to protect us.
It scares me to know that there is some kid out their being bullied by a future self identifying homosexual because of both were taught to hate themselves
It scares me to know that China owns most of the world including the country we live in.
(Where do you thing we get the money from to have a Trillion Dollar Debt)
It scares me when I hear people complain about paying taxes and at the same time complain about roads, and services, and unemployment checks running out and the lack of funding for education yet they want the money to come from thin air.
Who Pays For IT?
Obama is starting to scare me a little but The Power hungry wanna be Kandidate Kings Krapublicans
and the Tea party is NOT THE WAY to go!!
It scares me that I may never find a woman who is willing to go through life with me fathering her child.
It scares me that I forget that I'm HIV positive and there are young kids as young as 13 year old and younger who right at this moment are having unprotected sex with some one who is positive.
But all this is what drives me to live and do everything I can to make my world and the world of those I love (especially those who read this blog).
In other news, I have yet to be invited to a Halloween party???????
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Election Selection & The KKKrazy's
I woke up this morning to news of the KKKrazy's (Tea Party Supporters) were caught on tape at a rally beating up a girl who was an Obama Supporter.
AND
Nevada Republi(K)an (K)andidate Sharon Angle's new add. showing how we we have to protect our white kids against the big bad scary Spanish speaking Mexicans. (with pictures not with words)
You might say,
"What's this world coming to?"
Well, honey if you think this is a new thing you must be living in a bubble.
First. The Fighting, CNN articles on the even call it "Voter Passion",
I call it UN-educated Insanity!
I believe when we let states set education standards and the states in the middle move more and more away from science and math and art and language and geography and ....
And move towards Christian Sunday School classes and moral based lessons we are breading the Tea Party future members who are afraid to live with darker collections and aren't educated to know that the land they live on was taken at gunpoint from the Fore-Fathers of the Spanish speaking mostly American Citizens they fight so hard to devalue, discriminate and disenfranchise.
It is our fault that we believe that just because we don't hear about cross burnings and hatred that it ended with the death of Dr. Martin Luther King.
It is our fault for letting our Gov't be run by Haliburton Executives, and then complain that we have no jobs, (if you worked for those rapist you'd be in the money(wikipedia KBR))
It is our fault for letting our Gov't spend Billions on wars that keep us poor and Dick Cheney rich,
Instead of putting billions of dollars into educations so that we have soldiers who know not just how to shoot a gun but who develop the skills and knowledge to know when to shoot and how much restraint to use when the do, and are educated enough to know how to negotiate and compromise before getting in to the
"Who's Dick is bigger contest"
or WAR,
I haven't even decided if I'm voting yet, though I tell my self it is my duty to practice what I preach.
I think we must ask ourselves what kind of future do we want for our selves and our children and how can we best effect change?
The system may be decades from change, but Hey their is a black First lady any thing can happen.
AND
Nevada Republi(K)an (K)andidate Sharon Angle's new add. showing how we we have to protect our white kids against the big bad scary Spanish speaking Mexicans. (with pictures not with words)
You might say,
"What's this world coming to?"
Well, honey if you think this is a new thing you must be living in a bubble.
First. The Fighting, CNN articles on the even call it "Voter Passion",
I call it UN-educated Insanity!
I believe when we let states set education standards and the states in the middle move more and more away from science and math and art and language and geography and ....
And move towards Christian Sunday School classes and moral based lessons we are breading the Tea Party future members who are afraid to live with darker collections and aren't educated to know that the land they live on was taken at gunpoint from the Fore-Fathers of the Spanish speaking mostly American Citizens they fight so hard to devalue, discriminate and disenfranchise.
It is our fault that we believe that just because we don't hear about cross burnings and hatred that it ended with the death of Dr. Martin Luther King.
It is our fault for letting our Gov't be run by Haliburton Executives, and then complain that we have no jobs, (if you worked for those rapist you'd be in the money(wikipedia KBR))
It is our fault for letting our Gov't spend Billions on wars that keep us poor and Dick Cheney rich,
Instead of putting billions of dollars into educations so that we have soldiers who know not just how to shoot a gun but who develop the skills and knowledge to know when to shoot and how much restraint to use when the do, and are educated enough to know how to negotiate and compromise before getting in to the
"Who's Dick is bigger contest"
or WAR,
I haven't even decided if I'm voting yet, though I tell my self it is my duty to practice what I preach.
I think we must ask ourselves what kind of future do we want for our selves and our children and how can we best effect change?
The system may be decades from change, but Hey their is a black First lady any thing can happen.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Purple Against Homophobia WED OCT.20
"October 20th, 2010, people across the world will wear purple in honorof the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks due to homophobic abuse. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase,Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. "
"The event is now extending to 4 other lesbian/gay teenagers, Zach Harrington, Eric Mohat, Meredith Rezak, and Jennifer Eyring."
Gather anything purple on October 20th and wear it for the day. It doesn't matter where you live. Any walk of life is welcome to join in this movement. It doesn't matter what faith, homeland, ethnicity you are from. It is a day to unite.
(the words are from Nolen Ramirez)
invite people to the event, spread the word.
(Daniel Juva, Scott Rowan)
"The event is now extending to 4 other lesbian/gay teenagers, Zach Harrington, Eric Mohat, Meredith Rezak, and Jennifer Eyring."
Gather anything purple on October 20th and wear it for the day. It doesn't matter where you live. Any walk of life is welcome to join in this movement. It doesn't matter what faith, homeland, ethnicity you are from. It is a day to unite.
(the words are from Nolen Ramirez)
invite people to the event, spread the word.
Friday, October 15, 2010
"DADT" If you ASK me I'ma Tell you
I'm struggling with this a little
I think we should stop women from serving in the army it happen way to fast! And this whole thing with whites serving with blacks, I mean come on we need to think about this.
I think we should stop women from serving in the army it happen way to fast! And this whole thing with whites serving with blacks, I mean come on we need to think about this.
What would happen if two humans work side by side fighting for the same cause?
well if one has a tan and one doesn't well they might Com bust!
As I think more an more about the administrations reason for wanting the congress to repeal DADT, I tell myself that they are coming from a place of
HARM REDUCTION.
Think about how hard it was to come out of the closet or for your friends to tell you about the secret (for those who had one) they've been carrying around for years.
Think about Milk, a movie where some one who couldn't accept his sexuality shot and killed some one who lived their life openly.
would it not make sense to enforce harm reduction policy and tutorials to the Armed Forces so the persons who are carrying guns and have issues with finding out that their fellow soldier is gay don't go on a shooting spree.
I mean they are fighting for a country that actively facilitates Hate.
My personal opinion has changed back and forth through out typing this article, but I think when it come right down to it (This Article)
Squash DADT and teach Harm reduction! Policy is just words on paper but Change comes from Action !
I leave you with this. Tolerance
Alleviate Hate!
well if one has a tan and one doesn't well they might Com bust!
My LGBT sisters and brothers are up in arms over the decision of the Obama administration to appeal Judge Phillips ruling to essentially "kill" "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" because of its violation of our first amendment rights.
And in this case the President is not legally obligated to appeal but is given 60 days to make a decision, and in fact Mr. Obama has decided to appeal saying, it was his duty as President to challenge any rulling that goes against congress.
Most of my thinking sides with this:
REALLY????!!!!
Hey Barack!
WHAT THE FUCK
You say you want something then you get it now you don't "really" want it anymore
DADT is a bullshit policy that promotes hate, bullying and HELLO Suicide ect..
Come one will the world explode if people find out that the person they've become friends with and trust with their life has a life out side of their job to defend the country that happens to include same sex love?
(STAY WITH ME)
IF you want to do it slowly why don't we just segregate the races and the sexes and take a year of survey to find out how to desegregate and integrate them together in the safest way to bring them together
WOULD THIS BE THE EXACT SAME THING!
And in this case the President is not legally obligated to appeal but is given 60 days to make a decision, and in fact Mr. Obama has decided to appeal saying, it was his duty as President to challenge any rulling that goes against congress.
Most of my thinking sides with this:
REALLY????!!!!
Hey Barack!
WHAT THE FUCK
You say you want something then you get it now you don't "really" want it anymore
DADT is a bullshit policy that promotes hate, bullying and HELLO Suicide ect..
Come one will the world explode if people find out that the person they've become friends with and trust with their life has a life out side of their job to defend the country that happens to include same sex love?
(STAY WITH ME)
IF you want to do it slowly why don't we just segregate the races and the sexes and take a year of survey to find out how to desegregate and integrate them together in the safest way to bring them together
WOULD THIS BE THE EXACT SAME THING!
As I think more an more about the administrations reason for wanting the congress to repeal DADT, I tell myself that they are coming from a place of
HARM REDUCTION.
Think about how hard it was to come out of the closet or for your friends to tell you about the secret (for those who had one) they've been carrying around for years.
Think about Milk, a movie where some one who couldn't accept his sexuality shot and killed some one who lived their life openly.
would it not make sense to enforce harm reduction policy and tutorials to the Armed Forces so the persons who are carrying guns and have issues with finding out that their fellow soldier is gay don't go on a shooting spree.
I mean they are fighting for a country that actively facilitates Hate.
My personal opinion has changed back and forth through out typing this article, but I think when it come right down to it (This Article)
Squash DADT and teach Harm reduction! Policy is just words on paper but Change comes from Action !
I leave you with this. Tolerance
In general usage, tolerance is a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose beliefs or personal characteristics (race, religion, nationality, etc.), differ from one's own.
In social, cultural and religious contexts, tolerance and toleration are terms used to describe attitudes which are "tolerant" (or moderately respectful) of practices or group memberships that may be disapproved of by those in the majority.
I don't need your permissive attitude I need you to love.Alleviate Hate!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Nigger/Faggot
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!
Here is one of the first lies we are taught as children to shield us from "Inevitable" pains of life.
The Truth will set you free.
A family member of mine was in disbelief that she was called the "N" word and then asked what era do we live in.
My Aunt Betty taught me that just because it's not said to your face, that doesn't mean it's not being said.
This Fall seems to be the season where hate is coming to another head in our country, with the highly everyday occurrences that
man see every day. with the highly publicity of gay bashing and bullying and the
of the tea party and the disrespect that is well apparent to me towards our President towards our countries foundation of freedom of religion, I would hope that those who want change will actively pursue it, as did the Generations before us!
I grew up hearing the pain of the life in the 60's from my 90 year old Great Grand Mother and my Grandmother and her siblings who Marched on Washington for Jobs and Equality.
But tell this to my Nana and she'd turn in her grave if she hasn't already one hundred times over. To her it was like being whipped with chains all over again! I am sensitive to this.
At the age of 15 I was exposed to ACT UP, (dot org) and I heard our "LGBT" family own and use the word faggot in the same way! Most members of the group, my roomate included went even had the word tatood on thier body's.
Oprah talked about molestatin and other taboo's in the 80's but how much did that week change how we live life today. Mothers continue to let boyfriends they've known for less than a year watch their children with complete trust (yes not every ones a child predator but how do you think child predators get child access moms? Boyfriends are not Babysitter!!!) I digress?
The Point? Taboo subjects live and grow cancerous especially when we keep them in the dark.
I believe as long as we continue to not scold every one who uses any form of the "N" word, (Negro is it's root word) The blacks, the whites the reds and the browns, and are highly ignored yellows (mmhhmm) people for using the word when they are with in hearing distance we have no right to scold anyone for using it, especially if we have used it ourselves jokingly (in the private of our own home/friends). (or in our blogs to get a point accross that migh be missed)
Bottom line is we have no control how these words have grown and will evolve in our society, and honestly
this Nigga/faggot is out!
Here is one of the first lies we are taught as children to shield us from "Inevitable" pains of life.
The Truth will set you free.
A family member of mine was in disbelief that she was called the "N" word and then asked what era do we live in.
My Aunt Betty taught me that just because it's not said to your face, that doesn't mean it's not being said.
This Fall seems to be the season where hate is coming to another head in our country, with the highly everyday occurrences that
I as a "gay" "black"
KKKandidates
Freedom till death do we two part!
But what of these words, Nigga, Fagot?
I grew up hearing the pain of the life in the 60's from my 90 year old Great Grand Mother and my Grandmother and her siblings who Marched on Washington for Jobs and Equality.
I see how the Generations after me took ownership of the word Nigga and use it in their culture (many "race"'s I've heard use it as a term of endearment).
But tell this to my Nana and she'd turn in her grave if she hasn't already one hundred times over. To her it was like being whipped with chains all over again! I am sensitive to this.
At the age of 15 I was exposed to ACT UP, (dot org) and I heard our "LGBT" family own and use the word faggot in the same way! Most members of the group, my roomate included went even had the word tatood on thier body's.
As a strong believer that
Secrets=Death,
I feel that trying to put a word in the closet is just
living in the lies,
and secrets that drive our world into
underage prostitution,
child molestation,
and denial.
All of these things are diseases that the world refuses to talk about.
Oprah talked about molestatin and other taboo's in the 80's but how much did that week change how we live life today. Mothers continue to let boyfriends they've known for less than a year watch their children with complete trust (yes not every ones a child predator but how do you think child predators get child access moms? Boyfriends are not Babysitter!!!) I digress?
The Point? Taboo subjects live and grow cancerous especially when we keep them in the dark.
I believe as long as we continue to not scold every one who uses any form of the "N" word, (Negro is it's root word) The blacks, the whites the reds and the browns, and are highly ignored yellows (mmhhmm) people for using the word when they are with in hearing distance we have no right to scold anyone for using it, especially if we have used it ourselves jokingly (in the private of our own home/friends). (or in our blogs to get a point accross that migh be missed)
Bottom line is we have no control how these words have grown and will evolve in our society, and honestly
it's not the words that hurt us
it is the unwillingness to DO(an ACTIVE word) something to change the intent behind these words!
this Nigga/faggot is out!
Friday, October 8, 2010
GAY BASHING!!!! It happens every day!
This seems to be the year of the Gay Bashing Revolt. From the government's Don't Ask Don't Tell, to Gay Teen Bullies pushing our young ones to end their lives.
This week in NYC, we've been waking up everyday to news stories of severe Gay Bashing. Cowardly acts committed most likely by closeted (practicing) homosexuals.
I do think it is a good thing that the spotlight is lit on the struggles of the Gay community and I hope that we can emphasize,
This week in NYC, we've been waking up everyday to news stories of severe Gay Bashing. Cowardly acts committed most likely by closeted (practicing) homosexuals.
I do think it is a good thing that the spotlight is lit on the struggles of the Gay community and I hope that we can emphasize,
Pushing for Equality for All human beings!
That means the Mexican immigrants who were here before we robbed Mexico of their land to form the western states who are persecuted and looked down on by a government of a whole state deserve all the rights as the unwilling uneducated racist people who created discriminatory laws.
Black Men Are Gay , not all of them but ALL OF THEM deserve to be shown (Employers, Arizona and all you white men who say, "Shareef our company could use a guy like you" and then never call back when you get my resume) the same rights and liberties as every one else.
Fighting for Civil Rights did not die with MLK people!
THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION!
I suggest donating to a gay youth group in the name of a family member or a friend as a Holiday Gift this year, sending $100 or more the struggling organizations who tackles these issues everyday when the news is focused on something else and we are battling our own struggles in life so that they can continue to fight for our right to be able to live our lives.
Some off the top of my head
The Attic Youth Center in Philadelphia Atticyouthcenter.org
The LGBT Community Center in New York City (Lesbian,Gay,Bi-sexual,Transgendered) Gaycenter.org
Gladys Production the theater company I work for who's goal is to promote equality for all through its productions about Gay teen Suicide, and loving ones self. Gladysproduction.webs.com
Glsen- Gay,Lesbian and Straigh Education Network Glsen.org
Any amount of money from one dollar or more would help these organizations, educated those that were raised to hate, and those that are just ill informed.
If you can volunteer that's great too, talk about at your next dinner party or family function the issues that have affected every family in NYC, let your gay nephew, niece, ect. know how much they are loved because they are loved for the indevidual that thay are.
This year a $100 donation to your local Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender youth organization will go do more good than spending one day a year on a holiday at the over staffed soup kitchen. (But Id suggest doing both and doing both often like commiting to $10 a month for a year.)
Not limited Period!
That means the Mexican immigrants who were here before we robbed Mexico of their land to form the western states who are persecuted and looked down on by a government of a whole state deserve all the rights as the unwilling uneducated racist people who created discriminatory laws.
That means Transgendered and persons struggling with gender Identity are people/human born with the same rights and liberties as all female and males on this earth
(most stronger and more deserving than most of us could ever be)
(most stronger and more deserving than most of us could ever be)
That means that black men Are GAY
Church Ladies: Lord Have Mercy
(BLACK CHURCH)
but that's another blog entery.
Church Ladies: Lord Have Mercy
(BLACK CHURCH)
but that's another blog entery.
Black Men Are Gay , not all of them but ALL OF THEM deserve to be shown (Employers, Arizona and all you white men who say, "Shareef our company could use a guy like you" and then never call back when you get my resume) the same rights and liberties as every one else.
Fighting for Civil Rights did not die with MLK people!
THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION!
We MUST put our money where are mouth is!
walk the walk!
walk the walk!
I suggest donating to a gay youth group in the name of a family member or a friend as a Holiday Gift this year, sending $100 or more the struggling organizations who tackles these issues everyday when the news is focused on something else and we are battling our own struggles in life so that they can continue to fight for our right to be able to live our lives.
Some off the top of my head
The Attic Youth Center in Philadelphia Atticyouthcenter.org
The LGBT Community Center in New York City (Lesbian,Gay,Bi-sexual,Transgendered) Gaycenter.org
Gladys Production the theater company I work for who's goal is to promote equality for all through its productions about Gay teen Suicide, and loving ones self. Gladysproduction.webs.com
Glsen- Gay,Lesbian and Straigh Education Network Glsen.org
Any amount of money from one dollar or more would help these organizations, educated those that were raised to hate, and those that are just ill informed.
If you can volunteer that's great too, talk about at your next dinner party or family function the issues that have affected every family in NYC, let your gay nephew, niece, ect. know how much they are loved because they are loved for the indevidual that thay are.
This year a $100 donation to your local Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender youth organization will go do more good than spending one day a year on a holiday at the over staffed soup kitchen. (But Id suggest doing both and doing both often like commiting to $10 a month for a year.)
THE WORLD CANT CHANGE UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT
This week would be an awsome time for all of us to show our support for
"All persons are created equal"
by wearing a pin for Comming OUT Day, Sunday October 10th
That Says
I"M GAY
(al la I'm Micheal Jordan 2005)
by wearing a pin for Comming OUT Day, Sunday October 10th
That Says
I"M GAY
(al la I'm Micheal Jordan 2005)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Your love can make it better
It's been a hard week!
Yes it has, from flashbacks of feeling worthless and alone, to friends of mine who took their own life.
I'm listening to Pandora and as I typed the last sentence and a tear is rolling down my face and Erika Badu is saying "Your love can make it better" over and over, and I hear my Nana in my head saying "God works in mysterious ways" and I smile cause I know that those people that we have lost in our lives, did not die in vain. They live in our fight for change!
The live in the hearts of every one.
Your love can make it better!
Wow, my love for myself, your love for yourself, your love for others.
Tonight I'll be heading down to Washington Square park 9pm NYC for a "Glow light Vigil" ( no candle burning aloud) Hosted by the NYU LGBT group.
I ask you two things:
1. Love
2. At 9pm, if you are not capable to donate
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=1062&participantID=118600
or come to the park tonight, then at 9pm light a candle, say a prayer, have a moment of silence for those who have moved on and those who we have yet to reach out too.
Yes it has, from flashbacks of feeling worthless and alone, to friends of mine who took their own life.
I'm listening to Pandora and as I typed the last sentence and a tear is rolling down my face and Erika Badu is saying "Your love can make it better" over and over, and I hear my Nana in my head saying "God works in mysterious ways" and I smile cause I know that those people that we have lost in our lives, did not die in vain. They live in our fight for change!
The live in the hearts of every one.
Your love can make it better!
Wow, my love for myself, your love for yourself, your love for others.
Tonight I'll be heading down to Washington Square park 9pm NYC for a "Glow light Vigil" ( no candle burning aloud) Hosted by the NYU LGBT group.
I ask you two things:
1. Love
2. At 9pm, if you are not capable to donate
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=1062&participantID=118600
or come to the park tonight, then at 9pm light a candle, say a prayer, have a moment of silence for those who have moved on and those who we have yet to reach out too.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
It's time for a Revolution "homosexuals are People too!"
I am mad and I'm not going to take it anymore! I from this moment forward, though I might have been doing this already, devote my life to promoting Life to Gay kids and adults everywhere!
Yes Dan Savage is right "It does get better!" It will get better. For those who have yet to discover how to reach out. I'd like to do what ever I can with the help of every one who is committed to the cause to reach out.
Two kids (that we know of thanks to facebook,) killed themselves were pushed beyond shame to the point of no return two more needless deaths in a society that openly and passionately condemns homosexuality.
This is so beyond The fuck ups in Washington and the election year manipulation of DADT, or the other unconstitutional anti civil, anti freedom, anti every man laws on the books in all fifty states.
Honestly, the next kid I here call some one a faggot on the street will get a lesson, I don't care if he's 40 and coming out of the New York Sports Club as big as Mike Tyson.
It's time to educate not just to tolerate but to alleviate hate!
Who is with me?
At thirteen years old. I struggled with knowing I was different, I was called a sissy, by adults, a faggot by school mates, mostly behind my back and I had a family that like most families thought that this was my one way ticket to hell and I was worth less because of being gay.
I took pills one morning and tried to end my life. I was committed to it being over. By the grace of Allah (yes Allah you idiot uneducated tea party kkk, racists) (alot is going on in this country) I lived through it. I didn't want to at the time but the God (of my understanding) had a plan for me and here I am today fired up and not just angry but in pain.
It hurts to here about the thirteen year old boy who shot himself in Houston TX. this morning. It hurts to here about a young gay man jumping off of Manhattans highest bridge because of his Homophobic roomate who broadcasted his sexual exploration to the world.
We must be reasponsible for the un educated around us. We must fight for the the freedoms and rights of every man woman and child and not let insensitive uneducated comments or actions take place infront of us around us, ect.
can you really take another senseless death
(in loving memory of Daniel Juva)
Yes Dan Savage is right "It does get better!" It will get better. For those who have yet to discover how to reach out. I'd like to do what ever I can with the help of every one who is committed to the cause to reach out.
Two kids (that we know of thanks to facebook,) killed themselves were pushed beyond shame to the point of no return two more needless deaths in a society that openly and passionately condemns homosexuality.
This is so beyond The fuck ups in Washington and the election year manipulation of DADT, or the other unconstitutional anti civil, anti freedom, anti every man laws on the books in all fifty states.
Honestly, the next kid I here call some one a faggot on the street will get a lesson, I don't care if he's 40 and coming out of the New York Sports Club as big as Mike Tyson.
It's time to educate not just to tolerate but to alleviate hate!
Who is with me?
At thirteen years old. I struggled with knowing I was different, I was called a sissy, by adults, a faggot by school mates, mostly behind my back and I had a family that like most families thought that this was my one way ticket to hell and I was worth less because of being gay.
I took pills one morning and tried to end my life. I was committed to it being over. By the grace of Allah (yes Allah you idiot uneducated tea party kkk, racists) (alot is going on in this country) I lived through it. I didn't want to at the time but the God (of my understanding) had a plan for me and here I am today fired up and not just angry but in pain.
It hurts to here about the thirteen year old boy who shot himself in Houston TX. this morning. It hurts to here about a young gay man jumping off of Manhattans highest bridge because of his Homophobic roomate who broadcasted his sexual exploration to the world.
We must be reasponsible for the un educated around us. We must fight for the the freedoms and rights of every man woman and child and not let insensitive uneducated comments or actions take place infront of us around us, ect.
can you really take another senseless death
(in loving memory of Daniel Juva)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Breast!!!! They've Gone to far!!!!
I began the week laughing while watching a re-run of SNL, I was told about Sesame Streets obsession with Katty Perry's Breasts (esess) and I Thought,
"What four year old is going to lunge at Katty Perry's Breast???"
I was reminded of the my "Opinion" that as we grow older we as adults become very narrow minded. We as adults teach our children to make "BIG DEALS" out of what would be as noticeable as the color or the wall behind Elmo.
Hey Sesame St. Why are you so Breast focused shouldn't you be more in the mindset of the children you entertain? How many kids just had them in there mouth, How many kids have mothers with "Big Ones"? We don't care and those of you who do need to start dealing with your issues
Now if you live in New York City or have a million magazine subscriptions you might have had a glimpse at the new ABSOLUTE VODKA campaign and the 20 breast that are suppose to represent your thirst.(86st 4/5/6 train station)
Now my first thought is wow that's a lot of cleavage, then, where are the pecs, and after that, what are they doing? I mean billboard after billboard looked like the cover of Hustler Magazine,
Why aren't Parents up and arms about this!?
"What four year old is going to lunge at Katty Perry's Breast???"
I was reminded of the my "Opinion" that as we grow older we as adults become very narrow minded. We as adults teach our children to make "BIG DEALS" out of what would be as noticeable as the color or the wall behind Elmo.
Hey Sesame St. Why are you so Breast focused shouldn't you be more in the mindset of the children you entertain? How many kids just had them in there mouth, How many kids have mothers with "Big Ones"? We don't care and those of you who do need to start dealing with your issues
Now if you live in New York City or have a million magazine subscriptions you might have had a glimpse at the new ABSOLUTE VODKA campaign and the 20 breast that are suppose to represent your thirst.(86st 4/5/6 train station)
Now my first thought is wow that's a lot of cleavage, then, where are the pecs, and after that, what are they doing? I mean billboard after billboard looked like the cover of Hustler Magazine,
Why aren't Parents up and arms about this!?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Political Activism
This week i found myself particularly angry at how politicians were calculating moves and votes and what to do next, not because it would be better for the country but because it would be better for their re-election campaigns.
This calculating and manipulating is nothing new from are supposed leaders, but when as it usually does, attributes to nothing getting done, new laws that amount to minimal changes to old ones, and stalemate.
So what do we do? Do we get all KKKrazy and march with the tea party putting new calculating manipulating people in office?
Well, unfortunately yes!
We fight to put 2008 Obama like people in office that have a fire for change. But we must learn that getting fired up over a politician and putting our full support behind them isn't just a one time thing. We must hold our leaders ACCOUNTABLE!
We must make ask ourselves first, "Even if it hurts is it the best thing for the country?" (Letting the tax cuts expire)
and let our elected officials know how we feel because i we don't we then forfeit our chance to effect the change that we want.
Think about that!
This calculating and manipulating is nothing new from are supposed leaders, but when as it usually does, attributes to nothing getting done, new laws that amount to minimal changes to old ones, and stalemate.
So what do we do? Do we get all KKKrazy and march with the tea party putting new calculating manipulating people in office?
Well, unfortunately yes!
We fight to put 2008 Obama like people in office that have a fire for change. But we must learn that getting fired up over a politician and putting our full support behind them isn't just a one time thing. We must hold our leaders ACCOUNTABLE!
We must make ask ourselves first, "Even if it hurts is it the best thing for the country?" (Letting the tax cuts expire)
and let our elected officials know how we feel because i we don't we then forfeit our chance to effect the change that we want.
Think about that!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Ever since the time I went from a drug experimenter, to a drug addict, the only thing I could trust myself to do was anything that would bring me more drugs.
I purposely cut off every one who I loved and cared for me for fear my addiction would break our relationship. I have put a strain on, been cut off from, and banished even from friends who have never experienced my addiction side effects.
My last stint off the wagon was was pretty hardcore. I probably only used less than ten times (crystal- meth) since last October but the amount was way way over board. And I would wish I was sober ten minutes after each "flight" and leAve and or kick hook ups out no more than twenty minutes after they had arrived. I would then get In Bed for two Weeks or more only leaving to go to the bathroom and then when I slept.
I'd have nightmares and flashbacks of childhood trauma. My bed was the only place I could trust myself not to have addict behavior. But the come down dreams brought up in vivid detail every thing I was running away from.
As I lay there for weeks on end I wouldn't have to block out my inner voice telling me the right next thing to do. I knew and have lived in this moment many times before and it wasn't time for listening to lectures from myself to myself it was time to plan and take action. The only thing my inner voice would say is
"Your still wallowing In self pity while there are people dying everyday who don't have right now to do the next right thing."
They lost their battle against addiction and never got the chance to learn how to live in recovery and deal with the crazy sober people who might have helped drive them to use In The first place ( I.E. Un-accepting parents, family secrets, ect. Ect.) I ask my self,
"is it the disease of addiction that's untrustworthy or is it me? And are my relapses helped by my lack of trust in myself?"
Not trusting myself is another way of expecting myself to fail.
And failing is not an option!
This morning I found out that a young gay man that I mentored for over two years killed himself. The last time I spoke to him he was crying on the phone and he believed that there was no other option than to die or use , and he knew that they both were the same thing.
I live today,
sober
as much for him as I do for myself! I've been where he was a couple of times in my life. And only by the grace of that multiple named high power that some call GOD others Allah ect
. I am here today and I know who am and the direction I must take to do the next right thing just for today!
I trust me to work it cause it only works when I do!
I purposely cut off every one who I loved and cared for me for fear my addiction would break our relationship. I have put a strain on, been cut off from, and banished even from friends who have never experienced my addiction side effects.
My last stint off the wagon was was pretty hardcore. I probably only used less than ten times (crystal- meth) since last October but the amount was way way over board. And I would wish I was sober ten minutes after each "flight" and leAve and or kick hook ups out no more than twenty minutes after they had arrived. I would then get In Bed for two Weeks or more only leaving to go to the bathroom and then when I slept.
I'd have nightmares and flashbacks of childhood trauma. My bed was the only place I could trust myself not to have addict behavior. But the come down dreams brought up in vivid detail every thing I was running away from.
As I lay there for weeks on end I wouldn't have to block out my inner voice telling me the right next thing to do. I knew and have lived in this moment many times before and it wasn't time for listening to lectures from myself to myself it was time to plan and take action. The only thing my inner voice would say is
"Your still wallowing In self pity while there are people dying everyday who don't have right now to do the next right thing."
They lost their battle against addiction and never got the chance to learn how to live in recovery and deal with the crazy sober people who might have helped drive them to use In The first place ( I.E. Un-accepting parents, family secrets, ect. Ect.) I ask my self,
"is it the disease of addiction that's untrustworthy or is it me? And are my relapses helped by my lack of trust in myself?"
Not trusting myself is another way of expecting myself to fail.
And failing is not an option!
This morning I found out that a young gay man that I mentored for over two years killed himself. The last time I spoke to him he was crying on the phone and he believed that there was no other option than to die or use , and he knew that they both were the same thing.
I live today,
sober
as much for him as I do for myself! I've been where he was a couple of times in my life. And only by the grace of that multiple named high power that some call GOD others Allah ect
. I am here today and I know who am and the direction I must take to do the next right thing just for today!
I trust me to work it cause it only works when I do!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Brothers and Sisters
For some reason I decided to watch the finale of "Brothers and Sisters" I knew how it was going to end but up until this night I had yet to go through the journey of how theses characters got to that ending.
Sooooooo much was packed into this episode from a former addict learning to love and trust his partner to a man finding out he is HIV positive to a grown child dealing with the a mother who spends more time telling others how to live that she hardly spends time on her own. (To the death of Rob Lowes career)(I mean did he not learn anything from leaving West Wing and headlined his own drama that lasted three episodes)
Uhg, needless to say I was crying in the end, this family drama resonated for me because I'm spending quality time with my family. I've been here for two weeks. That's about the amount of time, if you put my one day visits together from the past 20 years that I've spent here over all.
I realized that I've always felt alone in life even surrounded by family and friends. Very rarely did I ever feel understood or genuinely cared for, but I know for certain that I am loved and cared for and an apple right next to the family tree! Now the way in which this love is displayed I can see now reflex how my family was taught to show love and growing up in the mid 1900's for a black family on the North/South border I dont think that learning how to show some one love was a high priority when you got to fight to get what you can get and bite your tongue so you don't end up in jail and do your chores so you don't have to go out back to find a switch on the tree.
Finding a switch on the tree out back> This was love> God said don't spare the rod!
Having parents who teach you the right way to live by always letting you know when your doing the wrong thing.
But we knew and my elders knew that our family would be there to fight who ever messed with us, to stick up for us, and pick us up when we were down. But they would let us know we got learn to stick up for ourselves and take care of ourselves.
Tough Love.
I get it, but sometimes, I need a love that isn't so tough, sometimes I need sensitivity and understanding, sometimes I need support for the things I've done right instead of constantly being reminded of what's wrong in my life. '
I must admit I've shut my family out most of my life. And though I still believe it was the only way for me to not have killed myself as a child (not for lack of trying) With out my family I would be lost, I couldn't possible understand who I am, and how to get to the positive side of my journey.
Their door is always open!
And though that tree in the back is gone, no one in this family is too old to be put across a knee.
I can see where I get most of my traits, and I understand a bit better who I am from where I come from.
Sooooooo much was packed into this episode from a former addict learning to love and trust his partner to a man finding out he is HIV positive to a grown child dealing with the a mother who spends more time telling others how to live that she hardly spends time on her own. (To the death of Rob Lowes career)(I mean did he not learn anything from leaving West Wing and headlined his own drama that lasted three episodes)
Uhg, needless to say I was crying in the end, this family drama resonated for me because I'm spending quality time with my family. I've been here for two weeks. That's about the amount of time, if you put my one day visits together from the past 20 years that I've spent here over all.
I realized that I've always felt alone in life even surrounded by family and friends. Very rarely did I ever feel understood or genuinely cared for, but I know for certain that I am loved and cared for and an apple right next to the family tree! Now the way in which this love is displayed I can see now reflex how my family was taught to show love and growing up in the mid 1900's for a black family on the North/South border I dont think that learning how to show some one love was a high priority when you got to fight to get what you can get and bite your tongue so you don't end up in jail and do your chores so you don't have to go out back to find a switch on the tree.
Finding a switch on the tree out back> This was love> God said don't spare the rod!
Having parents who teach you the right way to live by always letting you know when your doing the wrong thing.
But we knew and my elders knew that our family would be there to fight who ever messed with us, to stick up for us, and pick us up when we were down. But they would let us know we got learn to stick up for ourselves and take care of ourselves.
Tough Love.
I get it, but sometimes, I need a love that isn't so tough, sometimes I need sensitivity and understanding, sometimes I need support for the things I've done right instead of constantly being reminded of what's wrong in my life. '
I must admit I've shut my family out most of my life. And though I still believe it was the only way for me to not have killed myself as a child (not for lack of trying) With out my family I would be lost, I couldn't possible understand who I am, and how to get to the positive side of my journey.
Their door is always open!
And though that tree in the back is gone, no one in this family is too old to be put across a knee.
I can see where I get most of my traits, and I understand a bit better who I am from where I come from.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The First Punch
I dont have Tv at home so in Lancaster Ive been re-introduced to LOGOTV by my Aunt Carla. A women who's love of men is almost as potent as mine. (or use to be LOL). I'm watching a story about a boy in the UK living in a small town (like Lancaster PA) and is teased for his feminine ways. His peers thought it would be funny to vote him queen of the town fair and he won and they teased and teased but with the love of his mother and with strength with in his self he road in the parade and the teasing stopped for five minutes.
Growing up in a small town I remember being teased in the third grade for what some of my mothers 'Man friends' use to call sissyfied (usually when she left the room). The class was on a trip to the Charles Chips Factory and three boys who tried to make my life hell by teasing me (I dont remember it affecting me till this field trip.
"Your a Girl" they screamed across the yellow bus seats.
This was an hour bus ride of hearing how much of a girl and how "gay", (A word a did not understand till the ninth grade).
As soon as the bus stopped in the Charles Chips Factory
something swelled up inside of me
and I looked at those three boys
watched their mouths move to the tune of what a girl I was
and My fist started to swell
Little Third Grader Shareef threw one punch at the fist boy who ducked and my fist landed on the the boy with the braces on his legs (Like Forrest Gump).
Mrs. Manners (our third grade teacher) came to the middle of the bus where we were sitting
grabbed my ear pulled me to the back of the bus and said,
"You Hit the crippled boy! Shareef Jenkins your going to sit here for the whole entire trip, and I'm calling your mother!"
Shareef strikes back! what I thought I did. I remember just reacting and throwing a punch. But I wasn't reacting to what was being said I was reacting to the fact that I was being taunted and by three boys who were making me very aware that I was in some way different than them.
At that point I didn't know how I was different, I don't think I even believed that I was different. I don't think I even had a concept of the difference in Skin color. But I knew that I was being disrespected in some way and
I WAS a MAD third grader AND I JUST WOULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
and I exploded with rage.
Just telling the story I can still feel the passion that I had that day.
When we got back I was to be suspended from school for three days, But having a black mother who sticks up for her "sissified" chile (mostly by denying his sissyfiedness)
She marched in the principles office and demanded to know how if it takes two to tango why would you only reprimand one?
"Discrimination!" and "My lawyer.."
words that a black parent in a white school should have readily at there disposal especially in a circumstance that it is actual and factually the situation.
I learned a couple of things about myself that day in the third grade. I looked at myself in the mirror for the fist time and started to look at the boys around me for the first time and asked myself how am I different and why, and I never thought twice about defending myself when I "FELT" not petty teasing but when I felt that I was being violated by some one from that moment on I retaliated and I couldn't control it.
But what fascinates me about the kid on Logo and the battles in my child hood was violence was never the first or fifth choice in my retaliation especially after I was less ignorant about who I was and what the word "Gay" meant.
Thats another story!
Growing up in a small town I remember being teased in the third grade for what some of my mothers 'Man friends' use to call sissyfied (usually when she left the room). The class was on a trip to the Charles Chips Factory and three boys who tried to make my life hell by teasing me (I dont remember it affecting me till this field trip.
"Your a Girl" they screamed across the yellow bus seats.
This was an hour bus ride of hearing how much of a girl and how "gay", (A word a did not understand till the ninth grade).
As soon as the bus stopped in the Charles Chips Factory
something swelled up inside of me
and I looked at those three boys
watched their mouths move to the tune of what a girl I was
and My fist started to swell
Little Third Grader Shareef threw one punch at the fist boy who ducked and my fist landed on the the boy with the braces on his legs (Like Forrest Gump).
Mrs. Manners (our third grade teacher) came to the middle of the bus where we were sitting
grabbed my ear pulled me to the back of the bus and said,
"You Hit the crippled boy! Shareef Jenkins your going to sit here for the whole entire trip, and I'm calling your mother!"
Shareef strikes back! what I thought I did. I remember just reacting and throwing a punch. But I wasn't reacting to what was being said I was reacting to the fact that I was being taunted and by three boys who were making me very aware that I was in some way different than them.
At that point I didn't know how I was different, I don't think I even believed that I was different. I don't think I even had a concept of the difference in Skin color. But I knew that I was being disrespected in some way and
I WAS a MAD third grader AND I JUST WOULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
and I exploded with rage.
Just telling the story I can still feel the passion that I had that day.
When we got back I was to be suspended from school for three days, But having a black mother who sticks up for her "sissified" chile (mostly by denying his sissyfiedness)
She marched in the principles office and demanded to know how if it takes two to tango why would you only reprimand one?
"Discrimination!" and "My lawyer.."
words that a black parent in a white school should have readily at there disposal especially in a circumstance that it is actual and factually the situation.
I learned a couple of things about myself that day in the third grade. I looked at myself in the mirror for the fist time and started to look at the boys around me for the first time and asked myself how am I different and why, and I never thought twice about defending myself when I "FELT" not petty teasing but when I felt that I was being violated by some one from that moment on I retaliated and I couldn't control it.
But what fascinates me about the kid on Logo and the battles in my child hood was violence was never the first or fifth choice in my retaliation especially after I was less ignorant about who I was and what the word "Gay" meant.
Thats another story!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Back to work
With the biggest learned life lesson being, "The place your most afraid of going, usually is the one and only place that can heal yourself" I decided to go to Lancaster Pa., the place I was born staying with the family that answers the the question, "Who am I and Where do I come from".
What a sentence that was!
Today is day 11. I do not recomend sobering up with family I think its forced me to face some things head on and really ask myself how far am I willing to go this time. My sponsor would say "One day at a time Shareef" and I get it it makes sense, but part of my healing is bringing myself physically to the place where the root of my pain began. And not only the root but the history and domino effect passed down from generation to generation so I can learn, "What ab out my negative living was learned at home and what part did I get from the world?" And then I'll have a better idea of how to deal with living with my self as myself.
I'm contemplating no sex for a year, "One Day at a time"! may just 90's.
My last attempt at being completely sober lasted for 9 months and I did a multi-prong system, therapy, Na, and CMA meetings, and service, and regular outings with my sober friends.
There is a power greater than me that has let me know over this last binge that I am worth it, I'm hear for a reason and I have yet to complete my destiny.
So ya better watch out cause I'm going back to work (on myself)
What a sentence that was!
Today is day 11. I do not recomend sobering up with family I think its forced me to face some things head on and really ask myself how far am I willing to go this time. My sponsor would say "One day at a time Shareef" and I get it it makes sense, but part of my healing is bringing myself physically to the place where the root of my pain began. And not only the root but the history and domino effect passed down from generation to generation so I can learn, "What ab out my negative living was learned at home and what part did I get from the world?" And then I'll have a better idea of how to deal with living with my self as myself.
I'm contemplating no sex for a year, "One Day at a time"! may just 90's.
My last attempt at being completely sober lasted for 9 months and I did a multi-prong system, therapy, Na, and CMA meetings, and service, and regular outings with my sober friends.
There is a power greater than me that has let me know over this last binge that I am worth it, I'm hear for a reason and I have yet to complete my destiny.
So ya better watch out cause I'm going back to work (on myself)
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Regan's Vegitable
Ketchup! Ketchup!
Ever since I was a little boy I have loved ketchup. My mother used to always say, "Would you like some fries with your ketchup?" When ever I'd visit my Aunt Judy & uncle John I would learn to bring my own catch up and before that go crazy wondering how any house hold could not have this essential ingredient in their Frigidaire.
I just bought a bottle yesterday and as I chomp down on my Cookies and Cream breakfast I look at the bottle on the table and its about empty! How could I have devoured a whole bottle in less than 48 hours. I can't be the only one who thinks ketchup is a must on burgers, dogs, fries, eggs, poor peoples spaghetti, poor peoples cheesy grits, and baked potatoes.
Is this a man thing?
Is this cultural?
Is this Ronald Regan's fault for making ketchup a vegetable and a necessity for school lunches in the 80's?
Ever since I was a little boy I have loved ketchup. My mother used to always say, "Would you like some fries with your ketchup?" When ever I'd visit my Aunt Judy & uncle John I would learn to bring my own catch up and before that go crazy wondering how any house hold could not have this essential ingredient in their Frigidaire.
I just bought a bottle yesterday and as I chomp down on my Cookies and Cream breakfast I look at the bottle on the table and its about empty! How could I have devoured a whole bottle in less than 48 hours. I can't be the only one who thinks ketchup is a must on burgers, dogs, fries, eggs, poor peoples spaghetti, poor peoples cheesy grits, and baked potatoes.
Is this a man thing?
Is this cultural?
Is this Ronald Regan's fault for making ketchup a vegetable and a necessity for school lunches in the 80's?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
my heart is damaged, but don't blame the one before
this is the way it was raised to feel most comfort
but every time my heart gets to comfortably damaged
God sends a message!
Do you know what she says?
" I don't know why those girls from Danity Kane didn't just tell Puffy to fuck off and went to Jay-Z got a new name and kept on keepin on!"
and then she would say
"Ms, Shareef, it aint over till I say it's over Ms. Thang! I got plans for you
I GOT YOU BABE
Now dont cry Ms Shareef a change is comming and out of all this crazy unhealthy dead man walking in gay man self hatred non coping cause your out of stength and love for yourself and nobody else is telling you that they love you so if you haven't told yourself in months Ms. Thang than you dont need to wonder how you end up in these cycles of self lovelessness."
Yes I thought God was a bit more butch but her lipgloss was classic.
and just like that the computer just started playing music it just out of the blue played a gospel song with a House drum and base beat saying
"Lift your hands in Praise, your life is in my hands, a change is a comin"
a tear
lots of tears
next song
"He ate my heart, He ate my heart, He ate my heart, Madge 2.0?
Yes the new Madge Ga Ga
and my heart began to fill with streangth
and I turned to the mirror
"That boy is a monster..."
I thought thought that maybe I would blog/journal the truth about my daily life, the depression, the drugs, the sex, the high risk life where my thoughts are constantly thinking of my family my "wife" n "Kid" and if I dont medicate scold myself for not picking up the phone.
I thought that if I could be completely honest about my life to the world that I could start being honest with myself, but I think about the people "in" my life that would be affected by the way I live my life being published for their friends to see, and so I've been blocked.
But
A CHANGE IS A COMMIN!
There's a She Wolf in the closet
I'm letting her out so she can breath!
this is the way it was raised to feel most comfort
but every time my heart gets to comfortably damaged
God sends a message!
Do you know what she says?
" I don't know why those girls from Danity Kane didn't just tell Puffy to fuck off and went to Jay-Z got a new name and kept on keepin on!"
and then she would say
"Ms, Shareef, it aint over till I say it's over Ms. Thang! I got plans for you
I GOT YOU BABE
Now dont cry Ms Shareef a change is comming and out of all this crazy unhealthy dead man walking in gay man self hatred non coping cause your out of stength and love for yourself and nobody else is telling you that they love you so if you haven't told yourself in months Ms. Thang than you dont need to wonder how you end up in these cycles of self lovelessness."
Yes I thought God was a bit more butch but her lipgloss was classic.
and just like that the computer just started playing music it just out of the blue played a gospel song with a House drum and base beat saying
"Lift your hands in Praise, your life is in my hands, a change is a comin"
a tear
lots of tears
next song
"He ate my heart, He ate my heart, He ate my heart, Madge 2.0?
Yes the new Madge Ga Ga
and my heart began to fill with streangth
and I turned to the mirror
"That boy is a monster..."
I thought thought that maybe I would blog/journal the truth about my daily life, the depression, the drugs, the sex, the high risk life where my thoughts are constantly thinking of my family my "wife" n "Kid" and if I dont medicate scold myself for not picking up the phone.
I thought that if I could be completely honest about my life to the world that I could start being honest with myself, but I think about the people "in" my life that would be affected by the way I live my life being published for their friends to see, and so I've been blocked.
But
A CHANGE IS A COMMIN!
There's a She Wolf in the closet
I'm letting her out so she can breath!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Most Important Meal
My first memories of "family"all revolve around breakfast time, Holiday brunches at Aunt Betty's or Fish and omelets at my Dads, it was the most important time of the day because it was the beginning and set the tone for what type of day it would be.
Unfortunetly when I go shopping I find that i spend alot of time getting breakfast food and only come home with two meals worth of dinner food, and thanks to going to dinners after after parties in the 00's and 90's I've found that Breakast makes a great dinner too.
The point is, It taste good, blue berry pancakes with peanut butter, butter and syrup, maybe even a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And if that makes you smile and a smile starts off your day then on days where you miss it have breakfast for lunch and restart your day!
I'm eating pancakes right now!
Unfortunetly when I go shopping I find that i spend alot of time getting breakfast food and only come home with two meals worth of dinner food, and thanks to going to dinners after after parties in the 00's and 90's I've found that Breakast makes a great dinner too.
The point is, It taste good, blue berry pancakes with peanut butter, butter and syrup, maybe even a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And if that makes you smile and a smile starts off your day then on days where you miss it have breakfast for lunch and restart your day!
I'm eating pancakes right now!
Monday, February 15, 2010
todays rant
We live in a world where women or slaves,
Children are used for sex
and Men Rule the Caves
Homos are shot dead or hung by thier own hand
little girls are made pretty and thrown at old men
Where a President can have color and still nothing gets done
Where plastic rules the ocean, forrest burned by the sun
Little black boys are told how smart they are as they clean your bathrooms
and little black girls dont give a fuck as they love push and groom
and where do we all end up in a world with such doom
I try to look on the bright side though get trapped in this gloom
If its love that makes this world go round then why can't I feel it
I see it, I hear it, but never feel its spirit.
I give and I gave when I had nothing left to give
and still I'll keep giving till in the ground I live
till my world can evolve beyond the hatred of myself but to the love
that we all deserve that fills life with such wealth.
For another day God willing we will have to "Do it Now" with speed
to give our selves what the Beatles sing "Love is all you need"
Children are used for sex
and Men Rule the Caves
Homos are shot dead or hung by thier own hand
little girls are made pretty and thrown at old men
Where a President can have color and still nothing gets done
Where plastic rules the ocean, forrest burned by the sun
Little black boys are told how smart they are as they clean your bathrooms
and little black girls dont give a fuck as they love push and groom
and where do we all end up in a world with such doom
I try to look on the bright side though get trapped in this gloom
If its love that makes this world go round then why can't I feel it
I see it, I hear it, but never feel its spirit.
I give and I gave when I had nothing left to give
and still I'll keep giving till in the ground I live
till my world can evolve beyond the hatred of myself but to the love
that we all deserve that fills life with such wealth.
For another day God willing we will have to "Do it Now" with speed
to give our selves what the Beatles sing "Love is all you need"
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Disappearing Acts
Disappearing Acts, I love the tittle, best describes me in relationship to any one I care about. A six year old boy who's life i once was apart of every day for over four and a half years asked me after not seeing me for seven months, "Where were you all that time?".
The answer? Getting high and feeling like shit, well that's 40% of the time, the other 60% is sitting in my room, giving up on trying to live but listening to the voice in side (Cause I can't shut it up) tell me that I'd be an idiot to believe that happiness is out of my grasp and you know exactly what you need to do to have the life that you want.
It sucks to live in a place that sucks for so long that you get use to it and feel uncomfortable when anything about what sucks changes.
It sucks to live in a place that sucks and the only thing that keeps you there is you not getting up.
I hate living in a box cutting myself off from the world leaving my apartment once a week to get food, talking to another human being only through texting, getting high one weekend a month doing laundry every other month, waking up past out on the floor that I've mopped ten times in two days, shivering cause I wont put on dirty clothes but I have no clean ones, on the floor surrounded by pictures of the life I forget I once had getting wet from the over use of dish liquid on the floor, freezing cause even though it's 40 degrees outside some crack head left the windows open and passed out in the middle of my floor naked
Now naked open honest and truthful until i pass out and wake up again two days later wishing i wasn't so mean to some 23 year old white boy with an amazing ass, mean to some trick i picked up at some tricks house who managed to get me out of the house with the offer of cabfare and crystal meth and needles and blood and the desire to not care if death wants to pay a visit cause you already dead living dead living
and I wake up in the middle of the floor cold shivering goose bumps, bumps from chemicals pumped into my viens, bumps from my head making a violent plunge to the floor,
The floor is so wet and cold and the mouse is in the trash and I'm breathing and Ahh, I am alive, thank God,
And the voice says, "Then why the fuck do you keep on killing yourself?"
I don't want to be alone but I keep abandoning myself, cause I don't know how to feel comfortable loving myself with out some one else to actively reminding me that I'm worth loving, so I get sober for ten months every other year and I get in a relationship and once I can't keep lying to myself about how I don't need him even though I'm with him I realize I need him like a hit, or i'm naked freezing in the middle of my floor after two days of crazy multiple partnered unsafe unloving self hating disease spreading soul killing sex
Deeper.
My earliest child hood memory, three guys shoving there dick in my mouth at the age of two.
Live in father figure like to to pretend I was a gulf ball on a regular basis with his club
I don't really have accessible feelings about those things, but I'm sure they have something to do with the way I live my life.
Ah, being the oldest of 4/2 (mom/pop) brothers and sisters and not knowing anything about thier lives for the past 20 years. And every time i see them I come home and relapse And I never see it coming...
I've dissapeared I'm not high today, but I'm in my box not taking calls not going out wishing I was cuddling, with Hunter, hish it was 1999. That's where I'll be when I clothes my eyes, untill I reappear
The answer? Getting high and feeling like shit, well that's 40% of the time, the other 60% is sitting in my room, giving up on trying to live but listening to the voice in side (Cause I can't shut it up) tell me that I'd be an idiot to believe that happiness is out of my grasp and you know exactly what you need to do to have the life that you want.
It sucks to live in a place that sucks for so long that you get use to it and feel uncomfortable when anything about what sucks changes.
It sucks to live in a place that sucks and the only thing that keeps you there is you not getting up.
I hate living in a box cutting myself off from the world leaving my apartment once a week to get food, talking to another human being only through texting, getting high one weekend a month doing laundry every other month, waking up past out on the floor that I've mopped ten times in two days, shivering cause I wont put on dirty clothes but I have no clean ones, on the floor surrounded by pictures of the life I forget I once had getting wet from the over use of dish liquid on the floor, freezing cause even though it's 40 degrees outside some crack head left the windows open and passed out in the middle of my floor naked
Now naked open honest and truthful until i pass out and wake up again two days later wishing i wasn't so mean to some 23 year old white boy with an amazing ass, mean to some trick i picked up at some tricks house who managed to get me out of the house with the offer of cabfare and crystal meth and needles and blood and the desire to not care if death wants to pay a visit cause you already dead living dead living
and I wake up in the middle of the floor cold shivering goose bumps, bumps from chemicals pumped into my viens, bumps from my head making a violent plunge to the floor,
The floor is so wet and cold and the mouse is in the trash and I'm breathing and Ahh, I am alive, thank God,
And the voice says, "Then why the fuck do you keep on killing yourself?"
I don't want to be alone but I keep abandoning myself, cause I don't know how to feel comfortable loving myself with out some one else to actively reminding me that I'm worth loving, so I get sober for ten months every other year and I get in a relationship and once I can't keep lying to myself about how I don't need him even though I'm with him I realize I need him like a hit, or i'm naked freezing in the middle of my floor after two days of crazy multiple partnered unsafe unloving self hating disease spreading soul killing sex
Deeper.
My earliest child hood memory, three guys shoving there dick in my mouth at the age of two.
Live in father figure like to to pretend I was a gulf ball on a regular basis with his club
I don't really have accessible feelings about those things, but I'm sure they have something to do with the way I live my life.
Ah, being the oldest of 4/2 (mom/pop) brothers and sisters and not knowing anything about thier lives for the past 20 years. And every time i see them I come home and relapse And I never see it coming...
I've dissapeared I'm not high today, but I'm in my box not taking calls not going out wishing I was cuddling, with Hunter, hish it was 1999. That's where I'll be when I clothes my eyes, untill I reappear
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Life is what you make it!
That is what they say. And I believe it. I tested the theory last year by giving up partying every night to become a "Broadway Produced" playwright with in a year. But right now is all that matters, and right now I'm in my self imposed prison getting up to eat and shit and occasionally watch tv on my "how do I still have the internet with out the bill being paid" computer. "They" call it depression, I call it self reflection and it happens at least twice a year.
A time where I look a round my room and realize my life is as clean as my apartment and I dont let myself leave until every inch is sparkling. I must learn to balance relationships and how to not loose touch with the world when in this process. This is not easy when part of the process is cutting myself off from the rest of the world. Especially knowing in most studies of animals the loner animal dies the soonest. But still here I am alone taking my good old time cleaning my life and why not. I don't want to miss anything, its my life after all
A time where I look a round my room and realize my life is as clean as my apartment and I dont let myself leave until every inch is sparkling. I must learn to balance relationships and how to not loose touch with the world when in this process. This is not easy when part of the process is cutting myself off from the rest of the world. Especially knowing in most studies of animals the loner animal dies the soonest. But still here I am alone taking my good old time cleaning my life and why not. I don't want to miss anything, its my life after all
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