Today i felt the desire to live, to want, to want a life with better choices, better surroundings, more love and more understanding. Today I felt the need to upgrade every area of my life.
This desire is of everything from the way I look for love to the neighborhood I want to live in, to the furniture I'd like to own, to the friends who's energy would be most positive in my presences.
For the past ten years I have lived a life searching for myself and finally "I find me" All the negative ways to get here is how I lost myself or was blind to the person inside of me.
I've always wanted to feel that passion for life again that purpose of self again. And I felt it strong today.
Today I was in the space where my words will be spoken from the mouths of great Actors. Today I realized that I can be something better than I have chosen to be in the past. I want this to be true in every aspect of my life. So I challenge myself today to be honest about my feelings and not apologize for them. To know the difference between what I know, what I think and what I feel and leave the rest up to God and the universe!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I had a boyfriend once
I had a boyfriend once! he was 24 and I 29. This meant nothing to me untill I started noticing common threads between him and the 24/25 year olds I dated in the past. I was attracted to his ability to talk about how he felt and though it seemed this came with ease and that it was honesty at it's best, I soon came to realize it was just talk.
If anything I've learned in life it is that the way one describes them selves to you is the very opposite of the experience you will have with them. The sentences that start out with:
" I live like this...." or "I dont do this..."
these are just examples of the person they wish to be, the person they see themselves as, and in some cases the person they want to run too when living in denial of who they really are.
I have a curse! The curse of making anyone I'm with feel like they are the only one! This can make one feel special in the beginning of a relationship with me, but have the Glenn Close (clingy and obsessive) affect when the reality sets in that you still don't know me and you wonder if your all I think about. This is where the destruction begins.
On the one hand I think to myself; what an ego to think that everything I do is about you. Or any communication that we have means that i can't breath with out you.
On the other I realize this can make one feel caged even when I say words like:
"Do what ever makes you happy" or "You are free to fuck who ever you want you are your own person" and "When your with me your with me, and if you want to be elsewhere than be elsewhere" (Its really a waist of time to just be with a person cause your afraid to hurt their feelings)
But the reality of the situation is, no matter what contract I set with a 24/25 year old in my 100 experiences they always agreed to live free and take it slow but their actions were panic, and scared and they couldn't handle having feelings for me and being ok with sleeping with other people without thinking about how it would affect me.
Maybe I was giving them a relationship and calling it a friendship. Honestly I do want to be the only guy. I mean who doesn't but i dont expect that right off the back. I'm willing to work for it, to court it, to show you why I am the best choice in a lover, to give you the freedom to test everyone else in the world (respectfully, safely and there is a limit they can always show me that i'm worth more than their companionship) and one day the conversation about "us" and our contract(or lack there of) will organically be revealed.
This is not a complaint or a judgment but rather an observation based on over 100 case studies (relationships)
One thing that I would always forget when in the middle of a new "thang" with a guy this age is. The life experience of having been that age and the knowledge of the thought process they go through and knowing when they feel uncomfortable, or when they do what they don't want to do to not hurt my feelings (they say, yet it seems to by more guilt and less about me).
I just want to tell them it's ok to be yourself and respect me but dont think your protecting me by lieing.
I know today that weather your 25, 15, or 35, we all have our on process to live, our own paths to work through. And it's about that personal journey and making decisions to the best of your ablility with the life experience that you have. My past relationships and how I perceive them or deny them is not really important. What is important is that I know
"Its not about me."
So, I must let it go!
So I do
Love Peace and Blessings!
If anything I've learned in life it is that the way one describes them selves to you is the very opposite of the experience you will have with them. The sentences that start out with:
" I live like this...." or "I dont do this..."
these are just examples of the person they wish to be, the person they see themselves as, and in some cases the person they want to run too when living in denial of who they really are.
I have a curse! The curse of making anyone I'm with feel like they are the only one! This can make one feel special in the beginning of a relationship with me, but have the Glenn Close (clingy and obsessive) affect when the reality sets in that you still don't know me and you wonder if your all I think about. This is where the destruction begins.
On the one hand I think to myself; what an ego to think that everything I do is about you. Or any communication that we have means that i can't breath with out you.
On the other I realize this can make one feel caged even when I say words like:
"Do what ever makes you happy" or "You are free to fuck who ever you want you are your own person" and "When your with me your with me, and if you want to be elsewhere than be elsewhere" (Its really a waist of time to just be with a person cause your afraid to hurt their feelings)
But the reality of the situation is, no matter what contract I set with a 24/25 year old in my 100 experiences they always agreed to live free and take it slow but their actions were panic, and scared and they couldn't handle having feelings for me and being ok with sleeping with other people without thinking about how it would affect me.
Maybe I was giving them a relationship and calling it a friendship. Honestly I do want to be the only guy. I mean who doesn't but i dont expect that right off the back. I'm willing to work for it, to court it, to show you why I am the best choice in a lover, to give you the freedom to test everyone else in the world (respectfully, safely and there is a limit they can always show me that i'm worth more than their companionship) and one day the conversation about "us" and our contract(or lack there of) will organically be revealed.
This is not a complaint or a judgment but rather an observation based on over 100 case studies (relationships)
One thing that I would always forget when in the middle of a new "thang" with a guy this age is. The life experience of having been that age and the knowledge of the thought process they go through and knowing when they feel uncomfortable, or when they do what they don't want to do to not hurt my feelings (they say, yet it seems to by more guilt and less about me).
I just want to tell them it's ok to be yourself and respect me but dont think your protecting me by lieing.
I know today that weather your 25, 15, or 35, we all have our on process to live, our own paths to work through. And it's about that personal journey and making decisions to the best of your ablility with the life experience that you have. My past relationships and how I perceive them or deny them is not really important. What is important is that I know
"Its not about me."
So, I must let it go!
So I do
Love Peace and Blessings!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Life at this Moment
Today I woke up and the world inside me was spinning. I found myself running and running. I was running so fast in my dream that i ran out of it and when my eyes opened to the morning sun my thoughts were at warp speed. This week I've been drug-free for 115 days. I've been attempting new friendships that remind me of what life was like before bit the forbidden fruit. I'm getting more than just a reminder. I'm feeling the good the bad and the ugly residue of the life I let before 115 days ago.
I started the week with my father's birthday. Now this was very important to me because for the pas two years My family wasn't the slightest bit on my radar and hardly before that. I was living on my own by the age of 15. But this year I didn't want a week to go by without saying hello. In my thirty two years I've never seen my Dad on his birthday. So I got up at 6am and traveled three states to say Happy Birthday. I just wanted to be active about my love. with in the same amount of time a hospital in the same town was closing the eyelids forever of my Gay uncle who like me shut out his family. Who like me had a vice that leads to death. Who like me knew that it could kill him and couldn't get past the pain, couldn't get to the other side of survival. Though I like to say he survived the best way he knew how.
I didn't realize how much this effected me. These parallels in our lives my Uncle and I. I've only talk to him Three times in my life once for every decade I've been alive. I had a million questions. Like what happen then for him to choose the life he led. I knew this question would never be answered verbally, and that I could answer it myself with my life experiences. But he came before the gay brother to my grandmother. The only example of myself that I knew about in my family. The one to be proud of for taking all the hits of discrimination in our on family to better prepare them to love me. And now he's gone. And I'm not ok. That was just Sunday. The first day of the week.
Tuesday I'm freaking out and I don't know why. My thoughts run and hide in a new friendship that has come to mean a lot to me. Tuesday night I think, say, feel a thousand negative thoughts that I attributedto things mostly not based in reality. And have less to do with my friend than the morning and fear growing inside me. My friend and I attempt to have a discussion and I have no words I understood nothing out of his mouth and then I respond in freak-out speak.
And now at this moment as I am typing I realize that This is about Loss. The Loss of life, the loss of hope. I lost my childhood I lost my family I lost myself and I am afraid of loosing friends, family, and myself again so much that this week its freaking me out. And I help. I've set up a support system very strong. But they can't stop the pain.
Wednesday, I get the news that a friend who I was very close to died of pneumonia. He to left his family and was an addict and this helped with the quickness of his death.
This morning I felt the death of my uncle, I felt the death of my friend. I feel the fear of loosing myself and It Hurts. And I choose to not let them die in vein in my life. I will remind myself of their life lessons and I will not repeat their mistakes to the best of my ability with the help of Almighty God. And I will get through, work through and breath through the grief. I choose to live today, with the pain in my heart that time will ease, with the tears running down my face. With the loss of friends past and future I will survive today!
Love, Peace and Blessings! (Live long and prosper)
I started the week with my father's birthday. Now this was very important to me because for the pas two years My family wasn't the slightest bit on my radar and hardly before that. I was living on my own by the age of 15. But this year I didn't want a week to go by without saying hello. In my thirty two years I've never seen my Dad on his birthday. So I got up at 6am and traveled three states to say Happy Birthday. I just wanted to be active about my love. with in the same amount of time a hospital in the same town was closing the eyelids forever of my Gay uncle who like me shut out his family. Who like me had a vice that leads to death. Who like me knew that it could kill him and couldn't get past the pain, couldn't get to the other side of survival. Though I like to say he survived the best way he knew how.
I didn't realize how much this effected me. These parallels in our lives my Uncle and I. I've only talk to him Three times in my life once for every decade I've been alive. I had a million questions. Like what happen then for him to choose the life he led. I knew this question would never be answered verbally, and that I could answer it myself with my life experiences. But he came before the gay brother to my grandmother. The only example of myself that I knew about in my family. The one to be proud of for taking all the hits of discrimination in our on family to better prepare them to love me. And now he's gone. And I'm not ok. That was just Sunday. The first day of the week.
Tuesday I'm freaking out and I don't know why. My thoughts run and hide in a new friendship that has come to mean a lot to me. Tuesday night I think, say, feel a thousand negative thoughts that I attributedto things mostly not based in reality. And have less to do with my friend than the morning and fear growing inside me. My friend and I attempt to have a discussion and I have no words I understood nothing out of his mouth and then I respond in freak-out speak.
And now at this moment as I am typing I realize that This is about Loss. The Loss of life, the loss of hope. I lost my childhood I lost my family I lost myself and I am afraid of loosing friends, family, and myself again so much that this week its freaking me out. And I help. I've set up a support system very strong. But they can't stop the pain.
Wednesday, I get the news that a friend who I was very close to died of pneumonia. He to left his family and was an addict and this helped with the quickness of his death.
This morning I felt the death of my uncle, I felt the death of my friend. I feel the fear of loosing myself and It Hurts. And I choose to not let them die in vein in my life. I will remind myself of their life lessons and I will not repeat their mistakes to the best of my ability with the help of Almighty God. And I will get through, work through and breath through the grief. I choose to live today, with the pain in my heart that time will ease, with the tears running down my face. With the loss of friends past and future I will survive today!
Love, Peace and Blessings! (Live long and prosper)
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