Growing up as a "Gay Black Man in America" means that my adult hood has become my recovery. From my first memory I've had to deprogram myself from the thinking taught or absorbed from the people around me. It felt rebellious but I was compelled to rage against
the notion that "God hates Fags" (God=hate?)
that All children were molested and that's the way it will always be, (watch Oprah)(Things must change)
that families should keep secrets, (Secrets are lies that lead to death of ones soul)
that college is a necessity, (Library is free)
that Love is all you need, (and some Sense)
that parents should be listened to always (They rarely know what their doing)
In my journey I remember being in horrible situations or witnessing people including myself hurt others in the most devious ways and I would look up to the sky and around at mother nature and ask "Is this what life is about? Pain?"
The next step for me was to numb that pain with drugs. From ecstasy to cocaine, to crystal-meth.
And so I live my life in Recovery. Today it's been 6 months of sobriety. As I attempt to celebrate I feel the pain of my brothers and sisters in this human race who are suffering. I understand that the best thing I can do for them is to take care of myself. To actively show myself that I love myself.
It's funny that after reminding myself that I must be active about my love, a weight just lifted from my heart.
I am on a journey in this life of Recovery to be better, to live better, and to do better. And so I begin my day on this my 6th month mark living my life to the fullest. Being completely open to the universe and all that it has allowed me to be.
Love & Peace
To
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Getting it Done
Today July 8th 2009. I began the day with a home made smoothie, went to the gym and realized I had a couple hours left to write a play. I'm proud to say with one hour and fifteen minutes to spare I "Got it Done". But I still wonder with only eight pages to write how it could have taken all day.
Any other day I would wake up starring at the clock thinking of reasons I can't work out. I.e., my back hurts, I have to raise money for my play or I should write something new for my blog, but today those things I try not to put off were easy to accomplish because I had to write a play today. The fact that I was facing this deadline made it harder for me to sit and complete. And eight pages of dialogue isn't asking for much.
Knowing from past experience how daunting the pressure of deadlines are I canceled everything else I had scheduled and anything else that had stress and incorporated stress relievers like the gym and smoothies. These things helped me let some of that stress go. I felt little pressure taking one hour to write each page.
My goal was to make myself open to inspiration with minimal distraction while at the same time allowing myslelf time to answer text and emails. to take a two mile jog and get fresh air. focusing my quality time when I sat down on that one page with out my mind exploding with thoughts of my other undone task which I remember right now. So I'm going to pick one and do my best to
"Get It Done"
Peace & Love!
Shareef
Any other day I would wake up starring at the clock thinking of reasons I can't work out. I.e., my back hurts, I have to raise money for my play or I should write something new for my blog, but today those things I try not to put off were easy to accomplish because I had to write a play today. The fact that I was facing this deadline made it harder for me to sit and complete. And eight pages of dialogue isn't asking for much.
Knowing from past experience how daunting the pressure of deadlines are I canceled everything else I had scheduled and anything else that had stress and incorporated stress relievers like the gym and smoothies. These things helped me let some of that stress go. I felt little pressure taking one hour to write each page.
My goal was to make myself open to inspiration with minimal distraction while at the same time allowing myslelf time to answer text and emails. to take a two mile jog and get fresh air. focusing my quality time when I sat down on that one page with out my mind exploding with thoughts of my other undone task which I remember right now. So I'm going to pick one and do my best to
"Get It Done"
Peace & Love!
Shareef
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Truth will set you free!
Is withholding information that is not known about or ever asked for Lying? Even if you feel ashamed about what your keeping from the other person?
I was discussing with a friend of mine this question as it applies to "More than Friends" relationships. My friend believes that with holding information is not lying and I use to agree until I read the book, The Vevet Rage by Alan Downs PhD.
Information withheld is a lie, a secret is a lie. Actively taking time to not give information is working towards negativity. And this negativity will fester and grow and poison your relationship.
I have many secrets, things I have not told my partner. I think about them everyday. Some things we have discussed are ok not to talk about, like the sex we have with other people. But if he' asks I have always told the truth.
The subject of "Truth" is a big one for me. When thinking about starting a blog I thought most about my immediate friends and family and if my writing about my feelings that may have been set off from my relationships will upset them or harm them in anyway. My therapist says if it's helping me that's what I should consider first.
And I believe if it helps me than I should continue to blog with the honesty of the moment I'm typing. Letting you know that tomorrow after much thought and after getting it out to you. I may change my mind about things. I may have a revelation that makes me see my errors in judgment or my simple truths. I may be having a shared experience with some one else in the world who am letting know, you are not the only one. I may have just discovered my goal in that last sentence, my truth.
And yes I do feel a little bit freer
Peace & Love
I was discussing with a friend of mine this question as it applies to "More than Friends" relationships. My friend believes that with holding information is not lying and I use to agree until I read the book, The Vevet Rage by Alan Downs PhD.
Information withheld is a lie, a secret is a lie. Actively taking time to not give information is working towards negativity. And this negativity will fester and grow and poison your relationship.
I have many secrets, things I have not told my partner. I think about them everyday. Some things we have discussed are ok not to talk about, like the sex we have with other people. But if he' asks I have always told the truth.
The subject of "Truth" is a big one for me. When thinking about starting a blog I thought most about my immediate friends and family and if my writing about my feelings that may have been set off from my relationships will upset them or harm them in anyway. My therapist says if it's helping me that's what I should consider first.
And I believe if it helps me than I should continue to blog with the honesty of the moment I'm typing. Letting you know that tomorrow after much thought and after getting it out to you. I may change my mind about things. I may have a revelation that makes me see my errors in judgment or my simple truths. I may be having a shared experience with some one else in the world who am letting know, you are not the only one. I may have just discovered my goal in that last sentence, my truth.
And yes I do feel a little bit freer
Peace & Love
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