8 months of Sober Sex

It's kind of fucked up that this season, Fall, is a trigger in its self. The cool temperature, the clean cold smell in the air, the number of boys roaming the city streets rising because college is in session. My mind wants me to go out and hunt and devour each one of them if not five partners in one day.

Today that part of me is not in control, but the thoughts seem to be getting stronger, now that I've typed that they seem to have died. One second after, I realize that I'm not that guy any more. I just thought of the endless searching for a moment and a feeling of validation that never can happen when it's searched for especially when looking outside ones self.

What an unsatisfying way to live, what a human way to live. I've said yes to everything that has given me opportunity to, and the things that sabotaged the life I "wanted" to live I've said yes to more, a thousand times more. I have no need for those things, I believe the purpose of needing someone else or something else to make you feel whole, was to show me over and over that it doesn't work but also to remind me what happens when I'm not willing to look at myself. I am by no means over it. Life is work and everyday I have to remind myself of that.

I am an addict. I daydream almost everyday about using and going on a sexcapade. Fortunately the flashbacks that I have remind me of the things that go wrong when getting high: like being to fucked up to realize you just spent your rent money to get your guest high and your cleaning your bathroom when you thought the point was to get high and fuck but you can't seem to do either so you start beating yourself up and become evil towards anyone in a ten mile radius.

My issue is being human, and feelings of loneliness, and temptations of drugs when confronted with hot boys. My fear of going home with a guy I meet that I'm attracted to having drugs has kept me from having sex, and from having enjoyable sex the few times I let myself. I'm finding that in my 8 months of sober sex, my body is going biserk not knowing what to do when in a sexual situation. It's the first time sex has become a trigger since the first three months (I'm also cautious about sex becoming an escape). So a take my shaking body to a meeting. My sponsor told me that the 9th month is a hard one. It's even harder when it falls on the holidays that's another blog entry entirely...