Today I woke up and the world inside me was spinning. I found myself running and running. I was running so fast in my dream that i ran out of it and when my eyes opened to the morning sun my thoughts were at warp speed. This week I've been drug-free for 115 days. I've been attempting new friendships that remind me of what life was like before bit the forbidden fruit. I'm getting more than just a reminder. I'm feeling the good the bad and the ugly residue of the life I let before 115 days ago.
I started the week with my father's birthday. Now this was very important to me because for the pas two years My family wasn't the slightest bit on my radar and hardly before that. I was living on my own by the age of 15. But this year I didn't want a week to go by without saying hello. In my thirty two years I've never seen my Dad on his birthday. So I got up at 6am and traveled three states to say Happy Birthday. I just wanted to be active about my love. with in the same amount of time a hospital in the same town was closing the eyelids forever of my Gay uncle who like me shut out his family. Who like me had a vice that leads to death. Who like me knew that it could kill him and couldn't get past the pain, couldn't get to the other side of survival. Though I like to say he survived the best way he knew how.
I didn't realize how much this effected me. These parallels in our lives my Uncle and I. I've only talk to him Three times in my life once for every decade I've been alive. I had a million questions. Like what happen then for him to choose the life he led. I knew this question would never be answered verbally, and that I could answer it myself with my life experiences. But he came before the gay brother to my grandmother. The only example of myself that I knew about in my family. The one to be proud of for taking all the hits of discrimination in our on family to better prepare them to love me. And now he's gone. And I'm not ok. That was just Sunday. The first day of the week.
Tuesday I'm freaking out and I don't know why. My thoughts run and hide in a new friendship that has come to mean a lot to me. Tuesday night I think, say, feel a thousand negative thoughts that I attributedto things mostly not based in reality. And have less to do with my friend than the morning and fear growing inside me. My friend and I attempt to have a discussion and I have no words I understood nothing out of his mouth and then I respond in freak-out speak.
And now at this moment as I am typing I realize that This is about Loss. The Loss of life, the loss of hope. I lost my childhood I lost my family I lost myself and I am afraid of loosing friends, family, and myself again so much that this week its freaking me out. And I help. I've set up a support system very strong. But they can't stop the pain.
Wednesday, I get the news that a friend who I was very close to died of pneumonia. He to left his family and was an addict and this helped with the quickness of his death.
This morning I felt the death of my uncle, I felt the death of my friend. I feel the fear of loosing myself and It Hurts. And I choose to not let them die in vein in my life. I will remind myself of their life lessons and I will not repeat their mistakes to the best of my ability with the help of Almighty God. And I will get through, work through and breath through the grief. I choose to live today, with the pain in my heart that time will ease, with the tears running down my face. With the loss of friends past and future I will survive today!
Love, Peace and Blessings! (Live long and prosper)
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