I had a boyfriend once

I had a boyfriend once! he was 24 and I 29. This meant nothing to me untill I started noticing common threads between him and the 24/25 year olds I dated in the past. I was attracted to his ability to talk about how he felt and though it seemed this came with ease and that it was honesty at it's best, I soon came to realize it was just talk.

If anything I've learned in life it is that the way one describes them selves to you is the very opposite of the experience you will have with them. The sentences that start out with:

" I live like this...." or "I dont do this..."

these are just examples of the person they wish to be, the person they see themselves as, and in some cases the person they want to run too when living in denial of who they really are.

I have a curse! The curse of making anyone I'm with feel like they are the only one! This can make one feel special in the beginning of a relationship with me, but have the Glenn Close (clingy and obsessive) affect when the reality sets in that you still don't know me and you wonder if your all I think about. This is where the destruction begins.

On the one hand I think to myself; what an ego to think that everything I do is about you. Or any communication that we have means that i can't breath with out you.

On the other I realize this can make one feel caged even when I say words like:

"Do what ever makes you happy" or "You are free to fuck who ever you want you are your own person" and "When your with me your with me, and if you want to be elsewhere than be elsewhere" (Its really a waist of time to just be with a person cause your afraid to hurt their feelings)

But the reality of the situation is, no matter what contract I set with a 24/25 year old in my 100 experiences they always agreed to live free and take it slow but their actions were panic, and scared and they couldn't handle having feelings for me and being ok with sleeping with other people without thinking about how it would affect me.

Maybe I was giving them a relationship and calling it a friendship. Honestly I do want to be the only guy. I mean who doesn't but i dont expect that right off the back. I'm willing to work for it, to court it, to show you why I am the best choice in a lover, to give you the freedom to test everyone else in the world (respectfully, safely and there is a limit they can always show me that i'm worth more than their companionship) and one day the conversation about "us" and our contract(or lack there of) will organically be revealed.

This is not a complaint or a judgment but rather an observation based on over 100 case studies (relationships)

One thing that I would always forget when in the middle of a new "thang" with a guy this age is. The life experience of having been that age and the knowledge of the thought process they go through and knowing when they feel uncomfortable, or when they do what they don't want to do to not hurt my feelings (they say, yet it seems to by more guilt and less about me).

I just want to tell them it's ok to be yourself and respect me but dont think your protecting me by lieing.

I know today that weather your 25, 15, or 35, we all have our on process to live, our own paths to work through. And it's about that personal journey and making decisions to the best of your ablility with the life experience that you have. My past relationships and how I perceive them or deny them is not really important. What is important is that I know

"Its not about me."

So, I must let it go!

So I do

Love Peace and Blessings!