First thing I did when I opened my eyes at 8:30 am this morning is tell myself that I have to move on regardless of what this flu is making me feel like. I can't live like a heterosexual young bachelor who puts dirty dishes in the refrigerator instead of washing them and to keep away the roaches, who takes a pile of clothes to be washed and brings home ten pillow cases no underwear three t-shirts and lots of no matching socks, who sees a mess on the floor and treats it like furniture that was strategically placed on the day he moved in and must not be moved. No, I had to wake up ignore the fever ignore the nausea I had to take care of what needed to be done!
Laundry it's been three weeks, and my current sick-bed sheets were so sweaty that they refused to get dry. My prescription was three blocks away and the laundry-mat in between here and there. And yet here I was in bed, fever down to 100, staring at a pile of clothes and a piece of paper that might make this flu die quicker and bring me back to my life of choosing to make myself sick on purpose or not, not this getting sick on a whim just because nature is taking it's course.
I open my eyes and i said, "Self don't disappoint me today, before you eat drink or piss, get dressed put the clothes at the door, get that Rx and grab your quarters. You may feel like shit but spending the rest of your flu recovery in clean sheets and knowing that you have clean clothes to put on when this is all over will make up for the pain I'm about to make you go through!"
And out the door I was drowsy, dizzy, and I did it, I did it. and crashed as soon as I got the clothes upstairs popped my Tamiflu and put on new sheets.
The mind used the strength of my body that was always there. In Bikram Yoga some instructors talk about how we tell ourselves what we can't do more than letting ourselves do what we have yet to discover we can. I know I can do anything I put my mind to and so much more that I have yet to discover if I am willing. Today I was willing to go through what ever discomfort lay ahead of me.
Today is how I must live the next chapter of my life. Get up and do what needs to be done. Every time I use to come home from a binge when I was using a year ago, I would come home to the radio on and the same song would be playing each time I'd walk through the door, it was this Gospel tune on a Dance radio channel and It would say it's not to late, it's never to late, you are more than you allow yourself to be, better it's never to late to come home. And each time I would here this song it would scare the living daylights out of me but I knew it was a sign telling me it was time to break free to open my eyes and tell myself we're going to do what needs to be done. Today when i turn on the radio I'm haunted by this song that I first heard during my first year of my addiction, a song mixed by Danny Tenaglia called "Do it Now!"
Can't be more direct than that.
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