Ever since the time I went from a drug experimenter, to a drug addict, the only thing I could trust myself to do was anything that would bring me more drugs.
I purposely cut off every one who I loved and cared for me for fear my addiction would break our relationship. I have put a strain on, been cut off from, and banished even from friends who have never experienced my addiction side effects.
My last stint off the wagon was was pretty hardcore. I probably only used less than ten times (crystal- meth) since last October but the amount was way way over board. And I would wish I was sober ten minutes after each "flight" and leAve and or kick hook ups out no more than twenty minutes after they had arrived. I would then get In Bed for two Weeks or more only leaving to go to the bathroom and then when I slept.
I'd have nightmares and flashbacks of childhood trauma. My bed was the only place I could trust myself not to have addict behavior. But the come down dreams brought up in vivid detail every thing I was running away from.
As I lay there for weeks on end I wouldn't have to block out my inner voice telling me the right next thing to do. I knew and have lived in this moment many times before and it wasn't time for listening to lectures from myself to myself it was time to plan and take action. The only thing my inner voice would say is
"Your still wallowing In self pity while there are people dying everyday who don't have right now to do the next right thing."
They lost their battle against addiction and never got the chance to learn how to live in recovery and deal with the crazy sober people who might have helped drive them to use In The first place ( I.E. Un-accepting parents, family secrets, ect. Ect.) I ask my self,
"is it the disease of addiction that's untrustworthy or is it me? And are my relapses helped by my lack of trust in myself?"
Not trusting myself is another way of expecting myself to fail.
And failing is not an option!
This morning I found out that a young gay man that I mentored for over two years killed himself. The last time I spoke to him he was crying on the phone and he believed that there was no other option than to die or use , and he knew that they both were the same thing.
I live today,
sober
as much for him as I do for myself! I've been where he was a couple of times in my life. And only by the grace of that multiple named high power that some call GOD others Allah ect
. I am here today and I know who am and the direction I must take to do the next right thing just for today!
I trust me to work it cause it only works when I do!
I purposely cut off every one who I loved and cared for me for fear my addiction would break our relationship. I have put a strain on, been cut off from, and banished even from friends who have never experienced my addiction side effects.
My last stint off the wagon was was pretty hardcore. I probably only used less than ten times (crystal- meth) since last October but the amount was way way over board. And I would wish I was sober ten minutes after each "flight" and leAve and or kick hook ups out no more than twenty minutes after they had arrived. I would then get In Bed for two Weeks or more only leaving to go to the bathroom and then when I slept.
I'd have nightmares and flashbacks of childhood trauma. My bed was the only place I could trust myself not to have addict behavior. But the come down dreams brought up in vivid detail every thing I was running away from.
As I lay there for weeks on end I wouldn't have to block out my inner voice telling me the right next thing to do. I knew and have lived in this moment many times before and it wasn't time for listening to lectures from myself to myself it was time to plan and take action. The only thing my inner voice would say is
"Your still wallowing In self pity while there are people dying everyday who don't have right now to do the next right thing."
They lost their battle against addiction and never got the chance to learn how to live in recovery and deal with the crazy sober people who might have helped drive them to use In The first place ( I.E. Un-accepting parents, family secrets, ect. Ect.) I ask my self,
"is it the disease of addiction that's untrustworthy or is it me? And are my relapses helped by my lack of trust in myself?"
Not trusting myself is another way of expecting myself to fail.
And failing is not an option!
This morning I found out that a young gay man that I mentored for over two years killed himself. The last time I spoke to him he was crying on the phone and he believed that there was no other option than to die or use , and he knew that they both were the same thing.
I live today,
sober
as much for him as I do for myself! I've been where he was a couple of times in my life. And only by the grace of that multiple named high power that some call GOD others Allah ect
. I am here today and I know who am and the direction I must take to do the next right thing just for today!
I trust me to work it cause it only works when I do!
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