You were in and out of my life,
Bringing me to tears,
stab me in the back,
and in the front at my heart
goes out to you as I struggle for pieces of myself
to keep for myself
fighting myself to stop throwing myself at you.
You act like this is a game
to tell me you love me,
and fuck many others
then reem me out when I fuck another
I'm silent as you tell me
who you are and what you believe and my eyes here
the contradictions of your actions to your words.
Just mean what you say and say what you mean and be done with it!
or please take a moment of silence!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My Interveiw for the Philly Fringe Blog about my play "Getting Your Life"
Live Arts & Fringe Festival Blog
Getting Your Life: Shareef Hadid Jenkins Q&A
Posted At : August 11, 2009 3:15 PM | Posted By : Live Arts Festival & Philly Fringe
Related Categories: Theater
Playwright and actor Shareef Hadid Jenkins's struggle with addiction to crystal methamphetamine ultimately cost him his business and his home. A Philadelphia native and a graduate of Temple University, where he studied theater and play writing, he moved to New York City in 2000, although Shareef says, "Philly's a better place to grow what I write, to workshop it, and get enough actors interested in what I write in order to flesh it out."
He started a theater company called Gladys Productions, trying to bridge the gap between New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. by connecting playwrights and actors across the three cities and leveraging their connections into multi-city exposure for new work. Through Gladys Productions, Shareef produced his play The Three Mothers of Zachary at the 2009 Philadephia GLBT Arts Festival, and way back in the 2000 Philly Fringe, his work Fall Into The Trap.
Now clean for nearly seven months, Shareef blogs about his life and work at shareefhadidjenkins.blogspot.com. He says, "I am a black gay writer who is going through addiction recovery. It's my musings, issues of what I deal with in recovery and leading my life so far, because life is work, and it's ongoing."
Shareef's 2009 Fringe play, Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual draws heavily from his experiences growing up as a gay teen in Philadelphia. Tomorrow night at 7:30 pm, at the Laurie Beechman Cabaret at the Arts Bank (601 S. Broad Street, Philadelphia), he'll preview a scene from the show as a part of the ongoing First Person Salons series.
I called him on Friday, and Shareef took a break from rehearsing Getting Your Life to tell me a little more about his show.
Walk me through the title: Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual. Crystal Meth?
It's a character, sort of like this vice, this crutch, this wheelchair people use when they know they can walk but don't feel they can. We can't give ourselves love, so we use this as love—it's our substitute for love. It's just something the people in this play do. Instead of brushing their teeth, they use crystal meth; instead of eating, they use crystal meth.
2 Boys?
John is a dealer. He has something that's happened in his family that he can't face. He's been on the streets for a long time, knows the streets, deals drugs himself. He wants to get high, play, make money, feed his addiction, and that's where he is, and he's content that way. Until he meets Omar.
Omar was raised by this drug dealing transsexual, who kept the drugs away from him growing up. The play starts after he leaves for New York City, finds drugs on his own, and he comes back into this transsexual's life. She thought she could save them.
John meets Omar, and all [John's] beliefs about drugs—that there are no friends, that feelings aren't real—are questioned. In Omar he finds friendship, a companion, and love. And Omar finds life through this drug that makes you so addicted that you forget about love and everything else. He doesn't understand that the drug is taking away his life.
There's a love story between Omar and John, and they sort of figure out, or they attempt to figure out, life in the midst of being addicted and the lies that come with being addicted.
A transsexual?
The transsexual is there to be the mother of it all, but is somebody who's lived a very painful life and has been through it all. People accept her craziness, but she has her own issues with addiction. Most of her craziness comes from drugs, but most people think it comes from the pain of being a male-to-female transsexual.
When I see or meet transsexuals, I think they have so much courage and strength to go through that kind of life. It's hard enough being gay, but to go out into the world every day and have people stare at you, and the insecurity of always asking, "Are people staring at me?" To have that kind of mother figure, gave me the strength and belief that I can do anything. But I also had to realize that this person that I thought was so strong also has weaknesses that she can't deal with.
How closely is the play aligned with your own experiences?
That's a very hard question. I lived with a transsexual who sold drugs. The one thing that she tried to instill is that you need to live your life regardless of drugs. If you can't live with the drugs, you'll have to live without them. Some things aren't real with drugs; the only thing that's real is how you feel about yourself. I tried to put that in the play.
I belong to this group of writers in New York. Every other week we put on 10-minute pieces; stories, monologues, et cetera. It's called "meditation of theme." I had a theme to put on and I wrote the part of the transsexual. That's the part I'll be doing on Wednesday at First Person Arts. I thought about this woman who was a part of my life and taught me a lot about life.
She told me things that were true, and did things that weren't nice that showed me the ways of the world. She was evil. She would tell me things, and if I didn't get it, she'd show me: if I had a boy over, she'd offer him drugs to show me he's more interested in drugs than me. It was her way of showing me that this is the reality of the situation.
Tell me about your experience with crystal meth.
It's all in the play, actually. In Philadelphia I lived for a period of time with a transsexual who was a crystal meth dealer. I met her through a boy I was seeing, who I'd do anything for. He used crystal meth, and introduced me to it, and I paid for his habit, his habit became my habit.
I had a modeling agency in New York, and I used all the time, people were concerned. One day I found myself in the bathtub pouring bleach on myself trying to get the bugs away. I left my condo, left my business, and lost everything because of my drug use. I went back to Philly to clean up.
I've been working on this script for the past six years. Every time I've gotten clean I've written about it, but by September I'd be using again. But this year I got clean for myself, and now I can put it on.
What was it that pushed you to stay clean?
The last two years of my addiction I didn't use that much. I isolated myself from people I used with. I only used when my body was craving so bad I couldn't stand it. I used when I wanted to die if I didn't.
My father called and told me that my brother had a baby—but it turned out that [the baby was born] three months before. I didn't know my brother was going to be a father, I didn't hear about the baby's birth, I had no idea. I was blaming everybody else because I wasn't a part of their lives, but at that moment I realized that I was the reason I wasn't part of their lives.
I think the baby sort of woke me up. I want to be a part of this newborn's life. When I talk to my brother, he talks about his daughter. It means a lot to me, being a gay man that wants to have children some day.
I want to have joy in my own life. Whatever pain and fears I have I have to face them and do the work that's necessary to survive. In the past I've stopped using because I had a boyfriend who didn't use and wanted me to stop. This time around I gave up my drug. I realize that I have no power over it, and I put my life in the hands of the universe.
Why are you taking on the issue of crystal meth use and abuse in the gay community? Right now, it's the number one drug in America. It's the one that we're fighting the most, it's the one that's paid for the most, it's the one that's used the most. It's been part of the gay community for a long time.
When I was 13 years old, I was kicked out of the house, living on South Street. I had friends who were using crystal meth who were 15, 18, 20, but I had no idea. When I lived with the transsexual, she had been selling crystal meth since the late 80s.
I don't know why it's as big as it is now, other than the drug is so addictive. It's so hard to get off of it. Scientifically coke and meth ignite that part of your brain that makes you feel love.
In the gay community, there's a group of people who are abandoned and rejected, and it's hard to learn how to love yourself when nobody else does. It is talked about so much now because so many people are affected by it. Not only are they affected by it, it leads people to have unsafe sex over a long period of time which has spiked the HIV numbers in our community. I worked as a counselor at the Mazzoni Center, and the number of kids who would be HIV positive was staggering; I guess now, the majority are crystal meth users.
What do you hope to accomplish with the play? For people who aren't in the gay community or people who are and don't understand the effects of meth, I want them to see that there's hope. That the people they love who are lost in it do still feel, and do still think about them.
It's part of life that people don't know exists: a world they don't know exists, a language that goes on that people haven't heard. [The play] opens your eyes to what's going on right beside you or underneath you, that is unhealthy, that we ignore, or turn a blind eye to, or just don't know.
Shareef's play Getting Your Life is up September 11 through September 13 at the William Way Center as part of the 2009 Philly Fringe. For more information on Shareef's work with Gladys Productions, visit their website.
--Nicholas Gilewicz
Getting Your Life: Shareef Hadid Jenkins Q&A
Posted At : August 11, 2009 3:15 PM | Posted By : Live Arts Festival & Philly Fringe
Related Categories: Theater
Playwright and actor Shareef Hadid Jenkins's struggle with addiction to crystal methamphetamine ultimately cost him his business and his home. A Philadelphia native and a graduate of Temple University, where he studied theater and play writing, he moved to New York City in 2000, although Shareef says, "Philly's a better place to grow what I write, to workshop it, and get enough actors interested in what I write in order to flesh it out."
He started a theater company called Gladys Productions, trying to bridge the gap between New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. by connecting playwrights and actors across the three cities and leveraging their connections into multi-city exposure for new work. Through Gladys Productions, Shareef produced his play The Three Mothers of Zachary at the 2009 Philadephia GLBT Arts Festival, and way back in the 2000 Philly Fringe, his work Fall Into The Trap.
Now clean for nearly seven months, Shareef blogs about his life and work at shareefhadidjenkins.blogspot.com. He says, "I am a black gay writer who is going through addiction recovery. It's my musings, issues of what I deal with in recovery and leading my life so far, because life is work, and it's ongoing."
Shareef's 2009 Fringe play, Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual draws heavily from his experiences growing up as a gay teen in Philadelphia. Tomorrow night at 7:30 pm, at the Laurie Beechman Cabaret at the Arts Bank (601 S. Broad Street, Philadelphia), he'll preview a scene from the show as a part of the ongoing First Person Salons series.
I called him on Friday, and Shareef took a break from rehearsing Getting Your Life to tell me a little more about his show.
Walk me through the title: Getting Your Life: Crystal Meth, 2 Boys, 1 Transsexual. Crystal Meth?
It's a character, sort of like this vice, this crutch, this wheelchair people use when they know they can walk but don't feel they can. We can't give ourselves love, so we use this as love—it's our substitute for love. It's just something the people in this play do. Instead of brushing their teeth, they use crystal meth; instead of eating, they use crystal meth.
2 Boys?
John is a dealer. He has something that's happened in his family that he can't face. He's been on the streets for a long time, knows the streets, deals drugs himself. He wants to get high, play, make money, feed his addiction, and that's where he is, and he's content that way. Until he meets Omar.
Omar was raised by this drug dealing transsexual, who kept the drugs away from him growing up. The play starts after he leaves for New York City, finds drugs on his own, and he comes back into this transsexual's life. She thought she could save them.
John meets Omar, and all [John's] beliefs about drugs—that there are no friends, that feelings aren't real—are questioned. In Omar he finds friendship, a companion, and love. And Omar finds life through this drug that makes you so addicted that you forget about love and everything else. He doesn't understand that the drug is taking away his life.
There's a love story between Omar and John, and they sort of figure out, or they attempt to figure out, life in the midst of being addicted and the lies that come with being addicted.
A transsexual?
The transsexual is there to be the mother of it all, but is somebody who's lived a very painful life and has been through it all. People accept her craziness, but she has her own issues with addiction. Most of her craziness comes from drugs, but most people think it comes from the pain of being a male-to-female transsexual.
When I see or meet transsexuals, I think they have so much courage and strength to go through that kind of life. It's hard enough being gay, but to go out into the world every day and have people stare at you, and the insecurity of always asking, "Are people staring at me?" To have that kind of mother figure, gave me the strength and belief that I can do anything. But I also had to realize that this person that I thought was so strong also has weaknesses that she can't deal with.
How closely is the play aligned with your own experiences?
That's a very hard question. I lived with a transsexual who sold drugs. The one thing that she tried to instill is that you need to live your life regardless of drugs. If you can't live with the drugs, you'll have to live without them. Some things aren't real with drugs; the only thing that's real is how you feel about yourself. I tried to put that in the play.
I belong to this group of writers in New York. Every other week we put on 10-minute pieces; stories, monologues, et cetera. It's called "meditation of theme." I had a theme to put on and I wrote the part of the transsexual. That's the part I'll be doing on Wednesday at First Person Arts. I thought about this woman who was a part of my life and taught me a lot about life.
She told me things that were true, and did things that weren't nice that showed me the ways of the world. She was evil. She would tell me things, and if I didn't get it, she'd show me: if I had a boy over, she'd offer him drugs to show me he's more interested in drugs than me. It was her way of showing me that this is the reality of the situation.
Tell me about your experience with crystal meth.
It's all in the play, actually. In Philadelphia I lived for a period of time with a transsexual who was a crystal meth dealer. I met her through a boy I was seeing, who I'd do anything for. He used crystal meth, and introduced me to it, and I paid for his habit, his habit became my habit.
I had a modeling agency in New York, and I used all the time, people were concerned. One day I found myself in the bathtub pouring bleach on myself trying to get the bugs away. I left my condo, left my business, and lost everything because of my drug use. I went back to Philly to clean up.
I've been working on this script for the past six years. Every time I've gotten clean I've written about it, but by September I'd be using again. But this year I got clean for myself, and now I can put it on.
What was it that pushed you to stay clean?
The last two years of my addiction I didn't use that much. I isolated myself from people I used with. I only used when my body was craving so bad I couldn't stand it. I used when I wanted to die if I didn't.
My father called and told me that my brother had a baby—but it turned out that [the baby was born] three months before. I didn't know my brother was going to be a father, I didn't hear about the baby's birth, I had no idea. I was blaming everybody else because I wasn't a part of their lives, but at that moment I realized that I was the reason I wasn't part of their lives.
I think the baby sort of woke me up. I want to be a part of this newborn's life. When I talk to my brother, he talks about his daughter. It means a lot to me, being a gay man that wants to have children some day.
I want to have joy in my own life. Whatever pain and fears I have I have to face them and do the work that's necessary to survive. In the past I've stopped using because I had a boyfriend who didn't use and wanted me to stop. This time around I gave up my drug. I realize that I have no power over it, and I put my life in the hands of the universe.
Why are you taking on the issue of crystal meth use and abuse in the gay community? Right now, it's the number one drug in America. It's the one that we're fighting the most, it's the one that's paid for the most, it's the one that's used the most. It's been part of the gay community for a long time.
When I was 13 years old, I was kicked out of the house, living on South Street. I had friends who were using crystal meth who were 15, 18, 20, but I had no idea. When I lived with the transsexual, she had been selling crystal meth since the late 80s.
I don't know why it's as big as it is now, other than the drug is so addictive. It's so hard to get off of it. Scientifically coke and meth ignite that part of your brain that makes you feel love.
In the gay community, there's a group of people who are abandoned and rejected, and it's hard to learn how to love yourself when nobody else does. It is talked about so much now because so many people are affected by it. Not only are they affected by it, it leads people to have unsafe sex over a long period of time which has spiked the HIV numbers in our community. I worked as a counselor at the Mazzoni Center, and the number of kids who would be HIV positive was staggering; I guess now, the majority are crystal meth users.
What do you hope to accomplish with the play? For people who aren't in the gay community or people who are and don't understand the effects of meth, I want them to see that there's hope. That the people they love who are lost in it do still feel, and do still think about them.
It's part of life that people don't know exists: a world they don't know exists, a language that goes on that people haven't heard. [The play] opens your eyes to what's going on right beside you or underneath you, that is unhealthy, that we ignore, or turn a blind eye to, or just don't know.
Shareef's play Getting Your Life is up September 11 through September 13 at the William Way Center as part of the 2009 Philly Fringe. For more information on Shareef's work with Gladys Productions, visit their website.
--Nicholas Gilewicz
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Life in Recovery 6 month aniversary
Growing up as a "Gay Black Man in America" means that my adult hood has become my recovery. From my first memory I've had to deprogram myself from the thinking taught or absorbed from the people around me. It felt rebellious but I was compelled to rage against
the notion that "God hates Fags" (God=hate?)
that All children were molested and that's the way it will always be, (watch Oprah)(Things must change)
that families should keep secrets, (Secrets are lies that lead to death of ones soul)
that college is a necessity, (Library is free)
that Love is all you need, (and some Sense)
that parents should be listened to always (They rarely know what their doing)
In my journey I remember being in horrible situations or witnessing people including myself hurt others in the most devious ways and I would look up to the sky and around at mother nature and ask "Is this what life is about? Pain?"
The next step for me was to numb that pain with drugs. From ecstasy to cocaine, to crystal-meth.
And so I live my life in Recovery. Today it's been 6 months of sobriety. As I attempt to celebrate I feel the pain of my brothers and sisters in this human race who are suffering. I understand that the best thing I can do for them is to take care of myself. To actively show myself that I love myself.
It's funny that after reminding myself that I must be active about my love, a weight just lifted from my heart.
I am on a journey in this life of Recovery to be better, to live better, and to do better. And so I begin my day on this my 6th month mark living my life to the fullest. Being completely open to the universe and all that it has allowed me to be.
Love & Peace
To
the notion that "God hates Fags" (God=hate?)
that All children were molested and that's the way it will always be, (watch Oprah)(Things must change)
that families should keep secrets, (Secrets are lies that lead to death of ones soul)
that college is a necessity, (Library is free)
that Love is all you need, (and some Sense)
that parents should be listened to always (They rarely know what their doing)
In my journey I remember being in horrible situations or witnessing people including myself hurt others in the most devious ways and I would look up to the sky and around at mother nature and ask "Is this what life is about? Pain?"
The next step for me was to numb that pain with drugs. From ecstasy to cocaine, to crystal-meth.
And so I live my life in Recovery. Today it's been 6 months of sobriety. As I attempt to celebrate I feel the pain of my brothers and sisters in this human race who are suffering. I understand that the best thing I can do for them is to take care of myself. To actively show myself that I love myself.
It's funny that after reminding myself that I must be active about my love, a weight just lifted from my heart.
I am on a journey in this life of Recovery to be better, to live better, and to do better. And so I begin my day on this my 6th month mark living my life to the fullest. Being completely open to the universe and all that it has allowed me to be.
Love & Peace
To
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Getting it Done
Today July 8th 2009. I began the day with a home made smoothie, went to the gym and realized I had a couple hours left to write a play. I'm proud to say with one hour and fifteen minutes to spare I "Got it Done". But I still wonder with only eight pages to write how it could have taken all day.
Any other day I would wake up starring at the clock thinking of reasons I can't work out. I.e., my back hurts, I have to raise money for my play or I should write something new for my blog, but today those things I try not to put off were easy to accomplish because I had to write a play today. The fact that I was facing this deadline made it harder for me to sit and complete. And eight pages of dialogue isn't asking for much.
Knowing from past experience how daunting the pressure of deadlines are I canceled everything else I had scheduled and anything else that had stress and incorporated stress relievers like the gym and smoothies. These things helped me let some of that stress go. I felt little pressure taking one hour to write each page.
My goal was to make myself open to inspiration with minimal distraction while at the same time allowing myslelf time to answer text and emails. to take a two mile jog and get fresh air. focusing my quality time when I sat down on that one page with out my mind exploding with thoughts of my other undone task which I remember right now. So I'm going to pick one and do my best to
"Get It Done"
Peace & Love!
Shareef
Any other day I would wake up starring at the clock thinking of reasons I can't work out. I.e., my back hurts, I have to raise money for my play or I should write something new for my blog, but today those things I try not to put off were easy to accomplish because I had to write a play today. The fact that I was facing this deadline made it harder for me to sit and complete. And eight pages of dialogue isn't asking for much.
Knowing from past experience how daunting the pressure of deadlines are I canceled everything else I had scheduled and anything else that had stress and incorporated stress relievers like the gym and smoothies. These things helped me let some of that stress go. I felt little pressure taking one hour to write each page.
My goal was to make myself open to inspiration with minimal distraction while at the same time allowing myslelf time to answer text and emails. to take a two mile jog and get fresh air. focusing my quality time when I sat down on that one page with out my mind exploding with thoughts of my other undone task which I remember right now. So I'm going to pick one and do my best to
"Get It Done"
Peace & Love!
Shareef
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Truth will set you free!
Is withholding information that is not known about or ever asked for Lying? Even if you feel ashamed about what your keeping from the other person?
I was discussing with a friend of mine this question as it applies to "More than Friends" relationships. My friend believes that with holding information is not lying and I use to agree until I read the book, The Vevet Rage by Alan Downs PhD.
Information withheld is a lie, a secret is a lie. Actively taking time to not give information is working towards negativity. And this negativity will fester and grow and poison your relationship.
I have many secrets, things I have not told my partner. I think about them everyday. Some things we have discussed are ok not to talk about, like the sex we have with other people. But if he' asks I have always told the truth.
The subject of "Truth" is a big one for me. When thinking about starting a blog I thought most about my immediate friends and family and if my writing about my feelings that may have been set off from my relationships will upset them or harm them in anyway. My therapist says if it's helping me that's what I should consider first.
And I believe if it helps me than I should continue to blog with the honesty of the moment I'm typing. Letting you know that tomorrow after much thought and after getting it out to you. I may change my mind about things. I may have a revelation that makes me see my errors in judgment or my simple truths. I may be having a shared experience with some one else in the world who am letting know, you are not the only one. I may have just discovered my goal in that last sentence, my truth.
And yes I do feel a little bit freer
Peace & Love
I was discussing with a friend of mine this question as it applies to "More than Friends" relationships. My friend believes that with holding information is not lying and I use to agree until I read the book, The Vevet Rage by Alan Downs PhD.
Information withheld is a lie, a secret is a lie. Actively taking time to not give information is working towards negativity. And this negativity will fester and grow and poison your relationship.
I have many secrets, things I have not told my partner. I think about them everyday. Some things we have discussed are ok not to talk about, like the sex we have with other people. But if he' asks I have always told the truth.
The subject of "Truth" is a big one for me. When thinking about starting a blog I thought most about my immediate friends and family and if my writing about my feelings that may have been set off from my relationships will upset them or harm them in anyway. My therapist says if it's helping me that's what I should consider first.
And I believe if it helps me than I should continue to blog with the honesty of the moment I'm typing. Letting you know that tomorrow after much thought and after getting it out to you. I may change my mind about things. I may have a revelation that makes me see my errors in judgment or my simple truths. I may be having a shared experience with some one else in the world who am letting know, you are not the only one. I may have just discovered my goal in that last sentence, my truth.
And yes I do feel a little bit freer
Peace & Love
Thursday, June 25, 2009
What's Going On
As a writer my thought process for writing is mostly stimulated by what catches my eyes and ears and holds my attention for long enough to develop into strong feelings. Love seems to be the dominating theme in my life this year. The love for my family,I've spent every weekend in the past two months at with my father, the love for my friends, I'm hosting a dinner party where every one from Australia to Boston comes to my place for a bi-anual dinner party, and love for self, I'm drug free and committed to doing what I was born to do write.
We live in a world where I've found in my thirty-two years that love does conquer all. But this is only true when we love ourselves. I've spent years trying to love myself when for most of my life I was told I was not good enough by my parents who used God as their excuse to not give me the love I was worth. I searched for this love through sex, through work, and through very unhealthy behaviors like drugs. Today I am grateful that the God of my understanding has given me the sight to see my worth and the courage to actively show it. Not everyone is this lucky.
With the death of Michael Jackson I ask myself why is it to this day that the black community is so un-excepting of homosexuals to the point of death to the point of after death. Growing up gay in the time that Michael did with a father who beats all of those feminine qualities out of you, I can understand how you could loose your sexual identity in the harsh realities of the world you were brought up in. But when is enough enough?
We live in a world where I've found in my thirty-two years that love does conquer all. But this is only true when we love ourselves. I've spent years trying to love myself when for most of my life I was told I was not good enough by my parents who used God as their excuse to not give me the love I was worth. I searched for this love through sex, through work, and through very unhealthy behaviors like drugs. Today I am grateful that the God of my understanding has given me the sight to see my worth and the courage to actively show it. Not everyone is this lucky.
With the death of Michael Jackson I ask myself why is it to this day that the black community is so un-excepting of homosexuals to the point of death to the point of after death. Growing up gay in the time that Michael did with a father who beats all of those feminine qualities out of you, I can understand how you could loose your sexual identity in the harsh realities of the world you were brought up in. But when is enough enough?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Disclosure
Disclosure has become a big word in my life. As a Gay young child how could it not. At a very young age I was considered a sissy, a male with too many feminine attributes. I quickly learned how to hide my natural feminine instinctive personality traits. Some things you could just know about me by watching me for ten minutes. Not that I condone making assumptions but some times if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, girls even if he sticks it in hard he just might be a duck!
Now in my adult life this word "Disclosure" has taken on a whole new meaning. in college I worked in sex education going around to college campuses and clubs, and even bath houses spreading the word of how to use a condom and it's pros and cons. Provoking discussions about how to talk to your sex partner about Std's and HIV. I was regurgitating information that I still believe to be good information today but I was not speaking from experience. I was 20,21 years of age. I never asked a trick if he was positive before shoving my cock down his throat. I never went with a boyfriend to get tested before having a three to twenty four hour sex session. I did however use condoms never realizing that it was possible not to, until I didn't have one that is. I have only used condoms a handful of times after that.
I am confident that every sex partner that I have had sex with who is/was HIV positive let it be known most times in the first five seconds of an encounter. My job as a sex educator gave me a cloak of denial, and I'm still figuring out what that means to me so bear with me. I was an information giver, you know, these are the facts that we know help you contract the Virus like High Risk Activity!
Not using condoms and having intercourse, Having multiple sex partners, Those sex partners having HIV and not using condoms. Having seamon or bloood or Breast milk of some one else enter your body (And this is where my denial started)
" Shareef, I'm Positive!" They would say, and I'd respond,
"Well, since I'm the top, there's nothing to worry about. there's no seamon or blood or breast milk in your ass right!"
This type of dangerouse rationalization to give my self permission to recieve validation through sex (I know that's a big sentence but never the less true), led me through ten years and way over thousands of partners from Denver to New York, to London and beyond. For Ten years and multiple HIV negative test results I was free. I was able to have unprotected sex with who ever I wanted even HIV positive men and not get infected. This was great news to me.
On a trip back to the place I spent my teen years when I was in my mid twenties, I started hooking up with old friends. We'd meet for coffee or for dinner, or I'd just stop by to see how they'd grown up from teens to adults. One by one every single gay male friend that I talk to would disclose to me that they were HIV positive. They would tell me a story of drug use, (crystal -methanphetimine mostly) and unprotected sex with just about every guy that picked them up or that was in the building be it clubs, sex clubs or who ever was on the street and willing. I never put it together the drugs and the sex. I was passing the crystal meth pipe during the whole time they were telling me their stories. Some of them new that I wasn't experinced with the drug and would tell me to run as fast as I can, saying that this life of sex to drugs to HIV is not something I want or should have to deal with. This never registared to me. I didn't have to deal with what they had to deal with I was a top. I've been negative fro over 20 years after over a thousand partners there was no way I could be them.
Of course I thought about these friends constantly. It could happen to me I would think and I'm in to much pain to deal with it. So I did more drugs and i refused to get an HIV test for about two years after hearing the warnings from friends who have lived the life and were now dealing with the consequences. I the sex educater couldn't deal with the reality of sex. I was ashamed of being gay because I didn't have the acceptance of my family. I directed my anger through activism and volunteerism wanting so bad and trying so hard to give my self the love that I didn't get from my Parents. But the void was huge and Sex and drugs was what I used to fill it. HIV I decided I believed it was inevitable for me to get someday and that was that. I did however stop using drugs and having sex for two years after the tenth friends HIV disclosing story.
It would be five years, multiple negative HIV test results and two relationships before i went back to the sex and drugs void filling way of life though I did only have three regular sex partners instead of a didferent ass every three hours. One moring i recieved a call from one of these partners saying that He tested positive for syphlis and that I should be treated. So I went in and had blood drawn and was asked if I wanted to get an HIV test.
I couldn't imagine why I would need to. I mean I've fucked by now hundreds of thousands of guys since the age of 15 to my 30th year and I was done with validation through sex with multiple partners by this time. I realized that untill I actively show myelf that I love myself by ending my drug use and facing my pain, untill I am albe to give myself the authentic validation that I craved no one else could make me feel anything. Yet, i still told myself that if I wasn't positive by now there was no way I could be. I was informed that Syphilis was in blood and seamon and just like HIV is passed from person to peron this way.
"But I'm a top", I'm thinking but I let him swipe my mouth. and thirteen minutes later I was givien my positive results.
My "Denial Reflex Mode" went to high gear. It was like I didn't hear him. This wasn't happening I'm going to go to work and everything will be normal. I left the clinic and walked twenty New York blocks to work, and kept walking ten more blocks to the closest drug dealer and took a needle of crystal meth for the first time to my arm in an attempt to kill myself. Instead i was High as Fuck and the pain hell I was gone. For about six months I was part of the walking dead only coming out at night and focused on not feeling any pain and if we did we'd fuck and shoot the pain away.
Today. I am HIV positive Drug free and have only been in two sexual situations, and in both I've disclosed my status holding back tears. its been over two years since the day of my diagnosis, and very scary I might add. Scary because I was ignorant to what kind of life I had to live. My only experience with HIV was having a cousin who died with in a year of his diagnosis.
I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't talk to them with out crying. After 30 years they were talking to me again telling me the love me no matter what and I was no longer angry at them for my life. I had failed. I had flashbacks of my Mom and Dad screaming at me when I was thirteen,
"Your going to get AIDS if your gay, is that the life you want?"
No it isn't, it never was, but what does a 13 year old do with that. i didn't even know what AIDS was exept one of those words that went with sissy and gay during playground and step father teasing sessions.
But I had HIV and I was afraid of loosing their love again.
Disclosure.
To whom is it important to me to tell that I am HIV positive?
It feels like carring not just the world but the universe on my sholders. Will anyone love me again? Should I ever have sex again? What if I get sick? What if I die?
I told my mom and she displayed even more love. I haven't told my dad yet, hoping that he'd hear it from my mom even though they haven't been married to each other since I was three. I live with the pain of his Muslim heart being torn in two. And me being cut off from his love again. I think about my distant family not letting me hold their babies or not hugging me to say hello.
Sex was off limits for months. I get horny often times jerking off ten times in one session, then not for weeks. I don't think this is healthy but this is what I've been doing when "I get that feeling" untill I learn how to say before it goes any further "I'm HIV positive" Unill I get used to it, i may never get use to it. And so I publish my soul, not knowing if it's the right thing to do or not, but knowing it's how I feel it's where I am as I type with tears flowing. And I will survive!
Peace&Love
Now in my adult life this word "Disclosure" has taken on a whole new meaning. in college I worked in sex education going around to college campuses and clubs, and even bath houses spreading the word of how to use a condom and it's pros and cons. Provoking discussions about how to talk to your sex partner about Std's and HIV. I was regurgitating information that I still believe to be good information today but I was not speaking from experience. I was 20,21 years of age. I never asked a trick if he was positive before shoving my cock down his throat. I never went with a boyfriend to get tested before having a three to twenty four hour sex session. I did however use condoms never realizing that it was possible not to, until I didn't have one that is. I have only used condoms a handful of times after that.
I am confident that every sex partner that I have had sex with who is/was HIV positive let it be known most times in the first five seconds of an encounter. My job as a sex educator gave me a cloak of denial, and I'm still figuring out what that means to me so bear with me. I was an information giver, you know, these are the facts that we know help you contract the Virus like High Risk Activity!
Not using condoms and having intercourse, Having multiple sex partners, Those sex partners having HIV and not using condoms. Having seamon or bloood or Breast milk of some one else enter your body (And this is where my denial started)
" Shareef, I'm Positive!" They would say, and I'd respond,
"Well, since I'm the top, there's nothing to worry about. there's no seamon or blood or breast milk in your ass right!"
This type of dangerouse rationalization to give my self permission to recieve validation through sex (I know that's a big sentence but never the less true), led me through ten years and way over thousands of partners from Denver to New York, to London and beyond. For Ten years and multiple HIV negative test results I was free. I was able to have unprotected sex with who ever I wanted even HIV positive men and not get infected. This was great news to me.
On a trip back to the place I spent my teen years when I was in my mid twenties, I started hooking up with old friends. We'd meet for coffee or for dinner, or I'd just stop by to see how they'd grown up from teens to adults. One by one every single gay male friend that I talk to would disclose to me that they were HIV positive. They would tell me a story of drug use, (crystal -methanphetimine mostly) and unprotected sex with just about every guy that picked them up or that was in the building be it clubs, sex clubs or who ever was on the street and willing. I never put it together the drugs and the sex. I was passing the crystal meth pipe during the whole time they were telling me their stories. Some of them new that I wasn't experinced with the drug and would tell me to run as fast as I can, saying that this life of sex to drugs to HIV is not something I want or should have to deal with. This never registared to me. I didn't have to deal with what they had to deal with I was a top. I've been negative fro over 20 years after over a thousand partners there was no way I could be them.
Of course I thought about these friends constantly. It could happen to me I would think and I'm in to much pain to deal with it. So I did more drugs and i refused to get an HIV test for about two years after hearing the warnings from friends who have lived the life and were now dealing with the consequences. I the sex educater couldn't deal with the reality of sex. I was ashamed of being gay because I didn't have the acceptance of my family. I directed my anger through activism and volunteerism wanting so bad and trying so hard to give my self the love that I didn't get from my Parents. But the void was huge and Sex and drugs was what I used to fill it. HIV I decided I believed it was inevitable for me to get someday and that was that. I did however stop using drugs and having sex for two years after the tenth friends HIV disclosing story.
It would be five years, multiple negative HIV test results and two relationships before i went back to the sex and drugs void filling way of life though I did only have three regular sex partners instead of a didferent ass every three hours. One moring i recieved a call from one of these partners saying that He tested positive for syphlis and that I should be treated. So I went in and had blood drawn and was asked if I wanted to get an HIV test.
I couldn't imagine why I would need to. I mean I've fucked by now hundreds of thousands of guys since the age of 15 to my 30th year and I was done with validation through sex with multiple partners by this time. I realized that untill I actively show myelf that I love myself by ending my drug use and facing my pain, untill I am albe to give myself the authentic validation that I craved no one else could make me feel anything. Yet, i still told myself that if I wasn't positive by now there was no way I could be. I was informed that Syphilis was in blood and seamon and just like HIV is passed from person to peron this way.
"But I'm a top", I'm thinking but I let him swipe my mouth. and thirteen minutes later I was givien my positive results.
My "Denial Reflex Mode" went to high gear. It was like I didn't hear him. This wasn't happening I'm going to go to work and everything will be normal. I left the clinic and walked twenty New York blocks to work, and kept walking ten more blocks to the closest drug dealer and took a needle of crystal meth for the first time to my arm in an attempt to kill myself. Instead i was High as Fuck and the pain hell I was gone. For about six months I was part of the walking dead only coming out at night and focused on not feeling any pain and if we did we'd fuck and shoot the pain away.
Today. I am HIV positive Drug free and have only been in two sexual situations, and in both I've disclosed my status holding back tears. its been over two years since the day of my diagnosis, and very scary I might add. Scary because I was ignorant to what kind of life I had to live. My only experience with HIV was having a cousin who died with in a year of his diagnosis.
I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't talk to them with out crying. After 30 years they were talking to me again telling me the love me no matter what and I was no longer angry at them for my life. I had failed. I had flashbacks of my Mom and Dad screaming at me when I was thirteen,
"Your going to get AIDS if your gay, is that the life you want?"
No it isn't, it never was, but what does a 13 year old do with that. i didn't even know what AIDS was exept one of those words that went with sissy and gay during playground and step father teasing sessions.
But I had HIV and I was afraid of loosing their love again.
Disclosure.
To whom is it important to me to tell that I am HIV positive?
It feels like carring not just the world but the universe on my sholders. Will anyone love me again? Should I ever have sex again? What if I get sick? What if I die?
I told my mom and she displayed even more love. I haven't told my dad yet, hoping that he'd hear it from my mom even though they haven't been married to each other since I was three. I live with the pain of his Muslim heart being torn in two. And me being cut off from his love again. I think about my distant family not letting me hold their babies or not hugging me to say hello.
Sex was off limits for months. I get horny often times jerking off ten times in one session, then not for weeks. I don't think this is healthy but this is what I've been doing when "I get that feeling" untill I learn how to say before it goes any further "I'm HIV positive" Unill I get used to it, i may never get use to it. And so I publish my soul, not knowing if it's the right thing to do or not, but knowing it's how I feel it's where I am as I type with tears flowing. And I will survive!
Peace&Love
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