Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!

Daniel Juva, Jeremy Wynn, Scott Rowan, Tyler Clemente!

Dedicated to all the gay teens who committed Suicide when the Rainbow wasn't enough!


My first breath of the day was light and the air flowing through my lungs had smooth travel and I felt happy to be alive.

My second breath of the day after opening my eyes from a nights sleep I felt my heart sink and my lungs contract as memory of the life I've chosen to live came flooding back like a tsunami surging through my mind and flooding my heart with sadness.

Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be alive but as in every natural disaster there are those of us who don't make it.

Their are those of us who look next to ourselves and the people that were beside us before the storm have vanished with out warning or so we tell ourselves.

You called me from 34th St Penn Station to ask me if it was ok to come to my house

to love me and show me how you loved me.
And it was that love that you turned for that your life churned for.

It was this love that was void from your life left solid ice hearted wholes while whole hearted you said to me I want a boy

Friend is what I needed especially when confronted by the youth and brains the beauty only God could bestow and gift me with the presence

Brought you from your mothers whom to me through New Brunswick New Jersey

through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station.

Not only on the phone did you beg and plead that I be there be the one you need

To hold you console you, to help take the pain of life away if only for those ten minutes

instigated by naked thrust and fearful pounding hate with the hammer between my legs

nailing the pain of self hate and the ounce of love we had from our worlds deeper and deeper inside you as if love feeling love could only happen when we reach the bottom of our pit in life.

Our pit in life is bottomless!
Bottomless pit

Yet still we throw ourselves at each other at any brother willing to fill that void that the trillions before never seemed to

though not for lack of trying life denying that we were worth trying to figure out for ourselves our personal wealth that till your dying breath seemed non existent.

"Shareef I hope you don't think I'm stalking you I just really had a great time with you

and I don't want to be Alone and I don't want to keep

shoot fuck stabbing numbing smoking chucking Toilet life worthless living in the gutter that I was bullied thrust ed disgusted with self leads me to use and abuse and never learned self love just to shove it inside in every home hole and creves to be born yet never live I need you or the thought of the you to save me from myself please Shareef take the subway to Penn Station meet me at the train cause if I try to cone to you I may not make it, for I was born with an empty tank no love felt filled

No love felt
filled

But I'll take what I can get what I can disguise as love masqueraded as self worth paraded as pride what I only know

will hide me from the natural disaster that has brought me from my mothers whom to you through New Brunswick New Jersey through the tunnels, trials and tribulations of life all the way to 34th St. Penn Station
Taken me through the tunnels of
My mind to the rats who's life was never enough for themselves yet I throw myself freely at every rat that comes along for that one second that I feel.

"he loves me, I'm worth it"

For just one second that rat who defiled me treats me like a broken Rolex tossed in the gutter abandoned by it's owner who once thought it to be the most precious thing to poses.

Brought me to you and Shareef you are not here though to me it was never clear that you to were drowning in life in search of the love at the bottom of your pit Bottomless

You to would love yourself with any rat in the sewer that would feed on you and they would feed on you until you were unrecognizable skinny un-pretty cracked chained and broken unable to give me or them the love you gave up on giving yourself

Shareef you gave up.

Gave up!

So I sit here now with the love In a syringe and a bottle of morphine taking a clue from you but mostly from myself that if I want to get to the bottom there's only one way to get there

My second to last breath of the day I felt pain I felt worthless I felt insane I felt love. Love you all those I leave behind who will forever keep trying to let me know that I had the love I could never feel myself

My last breath I feel calm at peace as I for the first time know that the love In the syringe could never be enough and I swallow myself into the pit to be with love forever and ever